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just been told told to leave for a few days

  • madge24
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29 Mar 12 #320750 by madge24
Topic started by madge24
Hi,I''ve been married for 12 years, 2 kids, 5 and 2. My husband thinks i have been having an affair but i havent.

He has asked me to stay at my mums for a few days as he cannot stand to look at my face... i have agreed to stay tonight to let things cool off but planning to go back tomorrow.

I don''t see why i should leave the family home and my kids when i have done nothing wrong. If we do seperate do i have sell the house to give him half or can i stay in there until the youngest is 16?

I''ve been told not to leave the family home as this would be classed as ''deserting'' and he can say i left them, change the locks etc.

Also someone said he would need to contribute 70% ? of what i don''t know.

please help...

  • sexysadie
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30 Mar 12 #320779 by sexysadie
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Are you the main carer for the children? If so, what will happen to them if you go?

If you stay, will you be safe? Unfounded accusations of having an affair are common in abusive relationships.

If you can, you should stay. If you leave it may be very hard for your to return. If you are the main carer for the children, you should take them with you.

If he is not abusive, then you should try and get him to go to Relate with you to sort out what is going on.

If he is abusive (including controlling) in other ways, leave with the children. It will be inconvenient being at your mother''s, but at least you will be safe.

Best wishes,
Sadie

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30 Mar 12 #320789 by madge24
Reply from madge24
Thank you for your reply.

If you say main carer, we both work full time. One is at school and the other is at nursery so I''m not sure where that leaves me.

He''s not physically abusive, possibly mental abuse, but mainly he does snap at me from time to time. The kids naturally lean towards me.

I am planning on going back tonight. I don''t see why I should leave when i have done nothing wrong.

This morning he has said we can get back together but i have to get rid of my mobile phone! I Don''t exactly know how this will help if he doesn''t trust me because there''s computers, laptops etc and i wouldn''t be comfortable without a phone for personal security reasons.

He is getting an estate agent out to value the home to see where he stands.

  • Fiona
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30 Mar 12 #320793 by Fiona
Reply from Fiona
This all very new and knee jerk reactions are best avoided.

Insisting you get rid of the mobile is controlling behaviour. Because you are married you both have the same rights to occupy the matrimonial home. If only your husband''s name is on the property deeds you will need to register your home rights so the property can''t be sold without your agreement.

The usual legal advice is not to move out of the family home unless it is unsafe until arrangements for children and finances are settled. Settling arrangements can take months or even years.

If you divorce the value of any assets held in sole or joint names forms the matrimonial pot which is shared according to a checklist of factors in s25 Matrimonial Causes Act 1973. Often the needs of both parties comes at the top or near the top of the list. If you both work and share child care 50:50 and earn about the same you will both need somewhere where the children can live with you.

A family solicitor is in the best position to advise where you stand and what options there are in your particular circumstances and I would suggest making an appointment sooner rather than later. If you then decide to negotiate between yourselves or with the help of a mediator you will be doing so from an informed position.

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30 Mar 12 #320798 by jonathancj
Reply from jonathancj
Solid advice from Fiona, but being a family law solicitor, I would say that, wouldn''t I? ;)
Just bear in mind that if the two of you separate, it may be that bit more difficult for you to organise child care where you both work full time. You will need to give careful thought to just how the pick and drop off for school will work, along with school holidays and any illnesses.

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30 Mar 12 #320807 by sexysadie
Reply from sexysadie
If you both work full time then the person who does most of the hands-on caring, takes to GP and dentist, takes time off work when the children are sick is the main carer. If you share this equally then care is shared.

As Fiona says, insisting you get rid of your mobile is controlling. In any case with young children you need to have a mobile for emergencies.

He does seem to be forcing the pace somewhat, though maybe it is a form of blackmail. You do need to move back in if you can do so safely.

What has he (and you) told the children about your absence? You need to be careful about what he is saying to them about why you are not there.

Best wishes,
Sadie

  • mumtoboys
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30 Mar 12 #320815 by mumtoboys
Reply from mumtoboys
Please take great care of yourself now - your husband sounds like mine was at the point of separation. He wasn''t physically abusive in our marriage and at the point of separation, I''d have told you we had a good relationship (a bit of time, space and distance has helped put it in perspective somewhat but we still didn''t have a ''bad'' relationship). He had been having an affair for sometime - denied it and denied it and denied it. Why I''m responding is because one of his reasons for leaving was that he was insistent I had been having an affair for 7 years (probably how long he''d been at it with hindsight!) and as I was pregnant at that point, he was insisting that the baby wasn''t his.

He changed overnight into someone I couldn''t recognise, made huge efforts to control my every move for the next 18 months or so, played dreadful games, was very emotionally and mentally abusive and on more than one occasion, became physically abusive.

Keep your eyes open, don''t assume anything (least of all that you can handle him) and get the support of outside agencies if necessary - a solicitor, the Police, Women''s Aid all good places as a starting point. And keep posting - lots of advice and support here.

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