First day as a member and looking for help

After 24 years of marriage and knowing her for 6 years before that it is now over. we had a seperation 2 years ago and i foolishly went back believing it would get better. it is now worse and we are starting to hate each other.Our two daughters are split down the middle, so the house is a terrible place to be.I have to get out but she will not accept that fact and refuses to talk about it even though it has to be the right thing for everyone.

He Fenman and welcome to Wiki - you have come to the right place

I was also in your position, my stbx and myself first split up in 2004 and sold the family home, but then reconciled three times over the following eight years - reconciliation didn''t work and here I am all these years later finally divorcing him. Eight wasted years? maybe, but at least I know the marriage has well and truely ended. However we are not on speaking terms (his choice) and probably won''t ever be.

My children also were split up in the whole process, stbx took our daughter out and had the conversation as to would she live with him - he didn''t ask our son. I absolutely believed that both of my children would come with me, I never considered any different but did think we would have the conversation as a family, not the way he organised it. stbx then took the most obvious delight in delivering the biggest kick in the teeth he could ever administer, telling me that my daughter was going to live with him. It made me question everything - the only advice I can give you there is some advice a dear friend gave me at that time - he said, you will always be her mum, you just have to do all the work to keep the relationship going, always be at the end of a phone and be behind the wheel of your car the moment she calls and says she needs to see you, never let her down and you will never lose her. My daughter and I have lived in seperate houses since she was 15, she is now 23 and we have a fabulous relationship. Stbx never kept contact with our son and that is absolutely his loss, it messed with my son''s head for a long time and he felt rejected, he is now 19 and has changed his surname and says he doesn''t have a father - sad, heartbreaking, all of the above, but is how he has dealt with it. stbx split our children out of malice, because I was leaving him, god only knows why we got back together, probably because he was full of empty promises, he would change etc etc. I was a fool and believed him, of course he never did, leopard and spots is a perfect description.

If you really feel this is the end, go and get legal advice, see what grounds you can proceed with - sorry my post was a bit of a ramble but I just wanted to say that although your children seem to be taking sides it is possible, with a lot of hard work, to keep your relationship with them.

Wishing you the very best of luck

I''ve heard it said that hate is not the opposite of love. Ambivalence is.

No real words of wisdom for you as it seems that you''re further down the path than I. Give it your best, which it sounds like you have. Make sure your actions are congruent with who you are. Be sure you can hold your head high when thinking about your behaviour.

Take care.

Canuck, you comment about ambivilance struck a chord with me. That''s what I found the hardest thing - I was of so little significance to him after 27 years and 2 children that he was and is completly ambivilant.. it;s a killer.

Fenman I am so sorry you find yourself in this position.

Have you tried counselling (and for that matter what are the success rates of marriage counselling either to fix marriages long term or end them with the least damage. Does anybody know?)

Canuck''s words triggered something my dad once said - "there is a very fine line between love and hate" and I believe that to be true. To hate someone you have to care enough, so if you are starting to feel hate, the chances are there is still love.

Having said that, you have split up and reconciled and are facing splitting up again, maybe what you are feeling is more of a realisation that it just isn''t going to work.

I can certainly speak from the standpoint that in my marriage, we split up and reconciled a total of three times - first split in 2004 and final split in 2011, total length of marriage 25 years and a co habit of two years before that and I went back partly due to empty promises from stbx but also because I did love him and actually wanted it to work. I am over that now but it has taken a long time and I have definitely gone through a phase of "hate".

I have come a long way but I do not believe I am in the ambivalence phase yet, as it still hurts like hell but I was the one who left each time and I am the applicant in the divorce so I do wonder if I have the right to hurt, although I know I gave it a really good shot but it didn''t work.

In every marriage there has been love and for whatever reason that marriage has ended, that love has to turn into something else, be it ambivalence or a tentative friendship (some say that is possible, not sure if I believe that though).

If you have loved it is likely a hate phase will have to be be endured. It won''t last forever but it will last as long as it needs to until you are able to move on a bit. Maybe it is a defence mechanism of some sort.

Listen to your gut feeling but as Canuck said, try to conduct yourself so that you can hold your head high, your children will be influenced towards you or against you as to how you deal with this very difficult stage.

Kind regards

Hi
Welcome to wiki but sorry you find yourself here.
You say that you seperated in the past but ''foolishly'' went back. May I ask what you did to improve the situation, and what you wife did too. If you carried on in the same way then the end result was inevitably going to be the same.
Is it too late for councilling with Relate, not neccessarily with a view to reparing things but to giving you wife the benefit of some help in understading / accepting the situation.

Try to understand you wife''s view point empathy will help you to work towards a resolution regardless of what that may be.

LB

LB

Hi Fenman. You say its over and that you hate each other. Well at least you say you hate her.

But. You came back. Why did you come back? This is the key for you. If you came back because you had feelings for her, those feelings are probably still there. I am sure you didnt come back because you hated her right?

I can tell you with utmost certainty that the victims of people that have affairs, may hate there partners that have done this awful thing to them but love them at the same time. And often, if the affairs ends, then that victim will take them back. Why? Its realy hard to kill feelings for each other.

Divorce is an awful thing to go thru. There are no winners and you may be back in the same boat as you were before you went back. If you think that divorce will solve all, then I am afraid to say that it may not.

What I suggest you do is try and talk to her. Tell her why you hate her and listen to her. If you can, make an appointment with relate. Just to see if there is anything worth saving. Twenty four years is a hell of an investment in time. And there is a reason why you have 24 years invested. And that does count for something.

No relationship stands the test of time without something going wrong. Its like setting a ship on a course for some far off land and never having to touch the rudder. And people are to quick to bin something that isnt working. You invested 24 years, would you not invest 24 weeks to have a go at saving it? And if you cant save it then at least you had a crack at it and you will be able to leave with yr head heald high. And yr family will thank you for it.

Ok not every relationship that hits the rocks can be saved. Sometimes there is just way to much damage. But a planned exit with everyone on side and pulling together is way better than one party just walking away. Counselling can help you separate as well as help you unite.

I am not selling you counselling. I have no axe to grind in that area. Its just that often when things go to far and people become so entrenched, counselling can help sort it out. One way or the other. Have a think about it. C.