Oh Dear - didn''t think I''d come here

Hi All

Just thought I''d introduce myself.

My wife & I have been married for 13 years.

The wife had an affair some years ago to which she confessed and so I thought I could forgive her and move on.

I''ve just found out (about 2 weeks ago) she''s been having another affair and I have evidence for this.

And I found out yesterday from a close friend that the wife had confided in, that she''d also had an affair with someone where she worked!

I''m now at that stage where I think I do want to divorce but I really don''t know where to start!

I can''t afford the house on my own, I can''t afford to lose my job by taking time off to move my things elsewhere...

I feel in limbo - I really don''t know what to do...

hi,
i felt the same never thought i would end up on a divorce forum but such is life,the only thing i have learned from this nightmare is you cannot hold yourself for other peoples selfish actions and you will have to establish your own future ,like you everything in my life is raw and hurts like mad,but think logically get the help you need and deserve financially only you know your situation but i was advised to split joint account immediatly in case he ran up overdraft which i would have been liable for,she does seem to have done the dirty on you big time same as my husband don''t these prats have any feelings for others or they just live in their own bubble, life can only get better says me who still crys herself to sleep at night but i know it will hugs to you

Hello BB, welcome to wikivorce.

Sorry you have found yourself here, it is not a place many of us would have chosen to come to.

I think that it is all a bit raw at the moment, and no doubt the emotions are reeling, the zillion and one questions are flying around in your head and you really don''t know what to do.

I think the first thing to do it to stop and take stock a little. Is there anyone / anywhere you could just escape to for a night or two? A friend? Family? I think you need to evaluate what you are feeling and get your thoughts into some semblance of order.

Sometimes people have affairs because they are unhappy with some aspect of their life. Sometimes they simply don''t give a hoot about the people they are hurting, some regret it deeply.

Only you know the state of your relationship with your wife. Can you see a possibility of repairing things and putting all this behind you? What do YOU want as an outcome?

You can''t and shouldn''t attempt to answer life changing questions like that on a whim.

Divorce is not always the answer. Did you attend counselling when your wife confessed before? Did you consider divorce then?

I wouldn''t wish where you are right now on anyone. It is very difficult to deal with the deceit and lies.

However, you too have a right to a life and to feel secure and confident in your relationships. Right now that isn''t the case.

I would suggest a night or two away to gather your thoughts and then, if you feel ready, ask her what has been going on.

Its a big step, and there are lots of people here who will help and support you in whatever you decide is right for you.

Best of luck and keep posting.

Mike

Thanks for the welcome & responses... I appreciate it.

I''d worry about spending a night away for 2 reasons:
1. I''ve read that it will hurt my case if I''m seen to leave the home...

2. It gives the wife another opportunity to continue her affair with her lover.

I consider our marriage to be irreparable now and in all honesty, our marriage has been one of more ''companionship'' than anything else for some years now.
I didn''t attend counselling originally as I thought we could work through it.

The other man''s wife knows what''s happening and they have a 10 year old daughter.
She''s far more volatile than I am and so I expect it all to kick off any day now (Happy Easter!!! )

So I think I may lurk here for quite a while and I''m grateful to you for your support...

BB

Hi BB,

Just to put your mind at rest, taking a couple of nights away is not going to ''weaken your case''. If you upsticks and move out, that''s a whole different scenario.

Point taken on the perpetuation of her affair. However if she didn''t know in advance that you were going to be out for the night, she might not have chance to make plans.

Anyway, you might find it helpful to have a look at the Step by Step guide
www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Step-By-Step-G...de/Introduction.html
which outlines the cold, hard practicalities of the legal processes. Forewarned is forearmed

You will find plenty of advice and guidance around the site in the various forums or by using the Google search at the top of the page.

Mike