The saga continues

Last Saturday my wife and I had a short and Frank exchange of views about her affair. I got my anger out in one go and she answered all the questions that had been eating at me. We''ve organised an appointment with relate. Not for reconcilliation my wife is clear she wants a split, but for advice on how to handle the break up. I told her I wasn''t prepared to leave the family home. She said she would move out with our boys but I would have to give her more money as she couldn''t afford it. My questions are do I have to give her more money when I don''t want her and boys to move out? As far as I''m concerned that''s her decision and family life is ok. No threat of violence or abuse or even rowing (last Saturday excepted, boys were asleep). Where do I stand, what are my options? Please help, I want to give it a go. She doesn''t.

Hi Sam,

Good news that the two of you had an exchange of views! The next step is for both of view to actually listen to each other.

Let''s say a divorce is unavoidable, well the court will want to know that. It will be in your wife''s interest to attend mediation to explore the concept of reconcilliation and reject it in order to prove to the court that divorce is unavoidable.

It will be in your interest to attend mediation to explore the concept of reconcilliation just in case it is possible. This suggests to me that although the two of you have different reasons for doing the same thing you ought both to consider doing it.

Your wife may be adamant she wants a split, she may believe that with all her heart and she could be right - as long as she is not doing it because she thinks she has found something better.

There is a massive difference between ENDING a pointless (or painful/despairing) marriage and LEAVING any sort of marriage for something which looks better. The first deals with absolutes and the second with relative values.

You have little chance of giving your marriage a go all by yourself. I commend you with all my heart for trying but it takes two to make/mend a marriage and only one to break it.

Apart from the relationship mediation and ''listening'' the only thing I can suggest is asking your wife what direction she sees her life is going now and perhaps the two of you could see if there is some way you could cooperate. This would be a must for the children at least.

Good luck to you and your wife Sam

YA

Oh Sam,

Big hugs!

Rather than demanding she stays or putting her in a difficult position, the only way she may agree to continue to stay in the house is for you to agree some house rules. This may make her feel a little more comfortable.

Good luck

WR

Hi Sam. What I want to do is fast forwards yr life 3 to 6 months. She will be texting like mad. She will be on FaceBook. MSN maybe. The phone will be ringing all the time. And guess who this will be for? Thats right. Some guy. Now this will drive you bonkers. You will be in bits. And she will totally hate you. The kids will hate you. They will probably see it as you doing this to mummy. And it wont end nice.

This is what I would do. Let her go. Pay her some more money to allow her to live somewhere else. Eventually, she will end up with this bloke or some other pore sap. Its for the best mate. And this reply will save you a lot of money and heartache later on. Try and hang onto her and you will suffer. Its yr choice. Easy or hard. C.

Marshy has given you quality advice, take it.

Thanks Marshy, but why would I pay my wife to leave me and take my boys away. Surely I am not liable to pay anything until she files for divorce. Also why would it save me a lot of money later on?

Whoever has the money will pay the other party (income and/or capital).

You do not want her in the marital home when that conversation starts.