Every person''s circumstances are different. For me, it has been 5 years since the split, but STILL not divorced yet! That is down to the ex who started proceedings but can''t be bothered to see them through.
However, I have seen in 5 years a change from open hostility through uneasy truces to a mutual tolerance of each other, mixed with the odd bit of mistrust and an occasional stitch up. Wouldn''t say we were ''bessy mates'' but we have both moved on with our lives and our 3 children have accepted and adjusted to the new regime remarkably well. Not been without its pitfalls, but I can honestly say that I am much happier now than I have been for a long time.
It probably took a couple of years after the separation to stop feeling anxious, guilty, stressed, irritated and generally downtrodden but it does take time to heal. We were together 23 years, which is a long time.
I would say look back to where you were 12 months ago and compare you then to you now. If you can see improvements, then you''re definitely going in the right direction. If not, then maybe time for a change of direction or strategy.
Keep posting your thoughts and feelings here and others will share their experience and wisdom (in many cases ) that might just inspire you further.
Maybe take the time to write a blog. It is quite interesting to look back some time later and see how your mindset has changed. If you don''t feel like being quite so public, maybe start a diary?
In a word? Yes. But its nearly a year for you. Often we have one or maybe two stoppers that hamper our recovery. If you can, tell us about where you are and what you think is holding you back. But there are no strict timescales. Everyone is different like Mike said. But often, people dont get over what happened to them. They just learn to live with it. Which is what I have done. But after 6 years, its like something that has happened to someone else. I think at the end of the day, thats all you can hope for. But when you are ready, tell us a bit more. C.
Hi, thanks for your relies. I was married to a narcissist, who at first charmed me. Over the years he took away my identity, as friends have only just spoken about.He would not let me have any access to joint family money. He then started to do spreadsheets for me and our 3 sons, stating what time to get up, clean teeth, have a shower, eat breakfast etc..he told me if i did the ironing by weekend he would take us out. my confidence is at rock bottom..He is trying to get me out the family home and is buying my youngest son, with promises of gifts and a better future with him. he is on over £50,000 a year and left us and told me to go on benefits. Sorry for this rant ..
No wonder you are wondering if life will get better and your confidence is shot to bits. Don''t apologise for the rant - perfectly understandable.
Sit tight in the family home. How old are your boys? Do you work at all? Have you checked your benefit entitlement with either citizen''s advice or the governments online tool?
The bribing the children thing - my ex did that when she first moved out, but over time my children saw right through it and made up their own minds to share their time as equally as possible with both mum and dad.
Have you reached a final financial settlement with him? Is he paying his obligations?
Lots of questions, sorry, but trying to help you to spell out what you need help with.
PS - I sincerely hope that you are not rushing to get the ironing finished by the weekend
Hi Mike, we were married for 20yrs, 3 boys 19, 16 and 10. The older boys can see what he has done to me. He left in Jan 2011 and on mothers day turned up with a screwdriver and a drill then tok my personal number off my car and relaced it with the old one. He has not paid anything towards the mortgage and has even had the child benefit cancelled, i was not informed. he is a cruel man who stole my middle sons dissability allowance out of an account. No settlement yet. gail
Ok, so assuming that your eldest is no longer in full time education, he is obliged to provide for his younger 2 and for you. He should be paying 20% of his nett income after tax, NI and pension in maintenance for the boys, plus if your middle boy has special needs, an additional contribution to cover any additional costs of supporting him.
Have you started Ancillary Relief proceedings? If so, what stage are you at?
Have you got the child benefit and disability allowance sorted? Have you got your own bank account to which he has no access sorted?
Have you used a solicitor at all to get to where you are?