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Sad to be here

  • how_did_I_get_here
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09 Apr 12 #322666 by how_did_I_get_here
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Been with hubby 20 years, married for 9 and have 4 gorgeous children. A few years back hubby suffered depression and monumentally shut us all out. Turned to drink and became horrendous to live with. I did my best to halp him but after months of tears and heartache decided I couldn''t help him if he didn''t want to be helped and that I needed to focus on the 4 children caught up in the aftermath of his drinking.

Eventually he came out of it but damage was done. We plodded on and I was honest and told him how unhappy I was. He said he''d make it all right and that the drinking was under control. Of course it wasn''t! Lapsed terribly and only seemed to straighten himself out after getting arrested in front of our 4 children blind drunk.

I know I should have left then but its that age old thing that the children loved him unconditionally. We had a peaceful year or two where things seemed to get better but 6 months ago he started drinking 6 nights a week again. The children know when he''s had too much and everyone gives him a wide berth.

6 months ago my eldest son, now an adult, asked me to leave him. Said that they knew that I stayed for their sakes and that I mustn''t. Things finally came to a head this weekend when some massive lies and deceipt were unveiled. They are things which we will not recover from and seperation is the only answer.

He has been absolutely vile to me, so much so the 4 childrena and I were forced to stay at my sisters. He then text me saying the enormity of what he''d done had sunk in and he was crying and could the kids go and see him (today). It''s been a massively emotive time for us and the children are distruaght. I spoke to them and said they should see their Dad. Came back this morning and had a quiet word and said he mustn''t drink in front of them. By 7pm he''d had near enough 2 pints of wine and has totally ignored the children. They have gone to bed not knowing which way to turn.

I will move out as he flatly refuses. I cannot stay here as he is being torturous. Deep down I know that he hates himself for what he has done but it''s easier to hate me. He''s been vile to me in front of the kids and my 6''2" son has told him in no uncertain words what will happen if it continues!

He is playing a very cruel game with the children. Texting them saying he loves them then sticking 2 fingers up, drinking and ignoring them when he has them back here. They asked him earlier why he was blatantly drinking when he knew it upset them and his answer was sinply "because I can".

The relief of knowing I will be free of this man is immeasurable but the sadness for my children and watching them so hurt by this man may just destroy me. My 2 older children are of an age where if they decide to have no contact it cannot be forced but my 2 younger children are not.

I just cannot get round the fact the children have begged and pleaded with this man they love to kick the booze and he swore, on a bible, in front of them he would. In the childrens mind he loves drink more than them. He kills me to see them hurting so much and tonight we just sat and sobbed together.

Whilst I know I need to move out for mine and the childrens sanity my family are urging me to think twice as this is my home. He categorically will not budge though despite having somewhere he could go. The house is in both names so ultimately it will be sold.

I honestly never thought I''d be in this awful place. He can hurt me all he likes but I cannot bear to watch him hurt the most precious thing in my life - our children. I suspect he is doing it to get at me, knowing they are my achilles heel.

Sorry for the rant! It''s easier to sound off to a bunch of strangers on an anonymous board than it is to tell loved ones. I told my parents yesterday who have loved this man like a son for 20 years and it killed me to see the sadness in them.

I know I will have to tell friends and the remainder of my family but I''m not strong enough yet and it is still sinking in.

Thankyou for listening. Any advice will be gratefully received.

  • Canuck425
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10 Apr 12 #322685 by Canuck425
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It seems to me that you have it pretty much figured out. I know that doesn''t mean it''s going to be easy. In fact, I am sure it wont be.

We''ve all been through some pretty bad stuff on here so it''s a good place to get support. For me, I learned early on to talk and find support. I would encourage you to find out who can support you and talk with them. Talk and talk and talk. Find lots of different people and get lots of support. It really was the smartest thing I did in my journey.

It was amazing to me, really amazing, how putting myself out there paid back in a huge way. People, generally, are pretty awesome.

My wife has alcoholic tendencies so I am aware of just how bad it can be. You''re smart to get out and support your kids in their pain. We had to watch my mother-in-law die of alcoholism and it''s awful. It''s hard not to think "if he/she really cared he/she would just stop drinking". For some reason it doesn''t work like that. I agree that there is likely some deep self loathing. It''s like a long, slow suicide.

See if you can get all of your kids into counselling. They''re going to need it. They must feel abandoned by their father and that is truly awful. I know you can show them how much you love them and that helps I am sure.

So hang in there and take care of yourself. Really. Focus on you first. Do things just for you. Even if they''re little. Take a second and think about that. Think about what little things you could do just for you every day. Maybe a walk in the sun. Or a small chocolate. Or listen to a favorite song. Just something. I think it''s part of taking care of you and changing the focus to you.

Good luck!

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10 Apr 12 #322690 by soulruler
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I think you need to take advice about getting him removed from the house especially where he is being emotionally abusive to you and the children and where there is a threat of violence - him being agressive to you and your son potentially getting into a violent situation with him.

I think I would go and speak to a good family lawyer for the possibility of getting him excluded from the house (get them to properly explain the proceedure to you).

You need security for you and your 4 children and it sounds like you need it now.

There are 4 children and one woman against the needs of one man - I totally agree with your family not to move out but at the same time you need proper intervention.

Also maybe speak to organisations such as Womans Aid about the best way to go about documenting your problems - I do not know but it might be worth phoning the Police when things do get very agressive if nothing else to get an incident number recorded against your house (keep that) and then you have a record of the incidents to produce to a civil court which may help to get him out rather than you and the children.

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10 Apr 12 #322705 by how_did_I_get_here
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Thankyou for taking the time to respond and give me advice. Woken up this morning and although I feel sick with dread and sadness I know beyond any doubt what I have to do. The sadness that somewhere along the line myself and the children just weren''t enough for this man is absolutely heartbreaking, especially as deep down he is a good man.

I also realise that even if by some Absolute miracle he did give up the drink he would resent the children and I for it forever.

My anger at him is subsiding as I appreciate being angry does no one any good but also the hurt is really setting in. Not for me - it''s been a long time coming and I resolved myself to it some while ago. But for 4 innocent children

I don''t feel ready to go public with friends just yet as I''m not emotionally stable enough. But it''s good to write my feelings down here. This week will be unproductive as I have the 4 children on holiday from schools/college. Next week I shall tackle this with avengance!

I take on board your points about getting him removed from the home but this will just antagonise him more and make him worse and we, in turn, will suffer. It''s just easier all round if we find somewhere to go.

Thankyou for listening

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10 Apr 12 #322708 by freefalling
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I send you big virtual hugs. You are in an awful situation and I agree with you and the other comments, you cannot subject yourself or your children to any more abuse. Your children and you deserve a better life. I don''t live in the UK so I can''t comment on legalities but you have been soooo supportive of him but enough is enough. It''s time to think about you, your needs and happiness. It is an awful road to travel - separation and divorce, but what''s the alternative? He is has become a slave to his addiction and you or the children, unfortunately, hardly factor into the equation. You can''t fix this for him. Take care and look after yourself and your precious onesxxx

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10 Apr 12 #322713 by Crumpled
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Hi I am so sorry you have found yourself here but you will find lots of friends to support you.I have been to hell and back with my stbx affairs/drinking etc and i tried to make myself believe it could be ok for the sake of our 3 children because he used to be a fantastic husband and father how things change .My children have now begged me to end it with him and they despise him so much now (the same as your stbx by his own behaviour)
stay strong and am sending youn big hugs

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10 Apr 12 #322721 by how_did_I_get_here
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The sad thing is we have 4 children because he was such a wonderful father. Always was hands on and spent masses of time with them. Most of their life he has worked from home so they have seen a disproportionate amount of him.

Since getting himself in a rut with the depression (work and money related) that''s all changed. At the time of the depression I asked him to consider moving. It would have been the answer to all our problems and left us very solvent! He flatly refused. I''m convinced if we had moved back then we''d be ok today.

Now, as it is, we will have to sell anyway.

Can I ask - if I file for divorce on grounds of irreconcilable differences (of which there are many!) will these be public? I would be devastated if my children found out the whole truth and would do everything to keep it from them. The thought of having to discuss some of the stuff that has initiated these proceedings makes me feel physically ill. I''m not one for airing dirty laundry and am quite private.

Could I apply on the grounds of 2 years seperation, stating that we''d lived in the matrimonial home but not had a marriage as such?

Just before my husbands depression he was behaving inappropriately with a lady that worked for us. She''d been through a messy divorce and leaned on my husband emotionally. He''d take her home from work as she was too distressed to drive, turn his phone off and then return home gone midnight.

The night before my 40th birthday (of which we were having a party to celebrate) he''d fallen asleep in bed clutching his phone. When I took it from him there was a picture of a candlelit table and the words "please come to the party I really want and need you to be there". They had both been flirting but seemingly were on the verge of starting something more. I text her to kindly leave my husband alone and to this day have never seen her since. At the time I told him if he wanted or needed to be with her then he must. I know when I''m beat! This is just one of the many contributary factors to the demise of our wedding but I don''t know whether to account for it. WHilst I have no evidence a fully fledged affair took place and I cannot comment on whether any physical act occured I have to go with my gut instinct and all the circumstances and hazzard a guess it did. So I''m guessing its my word against his but at least I know about the lies and deceipt surrounding this woman.

I''m just waffling now but it helps to talk

Thankyou and sorry

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