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Don''t know what to do...

  • Dancingsar
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10 Apr 12 #322828 by Dancingsar
Topic started by Dancingsar
Hi all,

After being suspicious of a developing friendship my husband (of 13 years) has had with a friend, I have now found out that they are having an affair and have read messages declaring their love and feelings for each other.
I have been in touch with her husband, who was as suspicious as me, and we have discussed our feelings of angry and hurt together.

They have two shared hobbies together and I have found out that they also meet several times a week for coffee and drinks after work, and are regularly texting, calling and messaging each other.
I haven''t confronted my husband about this yet, though things have been strained between us for some time.
The problem is me and my husband see this other couple quite a bit and we are all suppose to be going away this weekend together, to support my husband and her in an event.

This weekend has been booked for ages, part of me wants to go, simply because i need a break and also because I know if I don''t go they will still go and probably spend the 2 nights in the same bedroom. But another part of me doesn''t want to go and feel as if I''ll be putting on a show and also knowing what I do about them both, may be hard to holdback!!! And why should they receive my support.
I''m also worried about what other people think, how I''m going to cope financially ..... Just feels such a mess at the moment.
So any advice about what I should do about the weekend would be appreciated.
Thanks

  • pixy
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10 Apr 12 #322831 by pixy
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Don''t put yourself through this unless there is some overwhelming reason why you should. An overwhelming reason would be something like putting on a united front for the sake of children. Protecting your stbx and his ow is not an overwhelming reason.

And in the meantime, welcome - you will find this site offers you a lifeline during what will prove to be one of the most awful periods of your life. You will get lots of advice and support here.

  • somuch2know2
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10 Apr 12 #322838 by somuch2know2
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Your anxieties are all warrented. I am almost a year into this and I am still wondering what people are saying, what my STBX is telling them, and how I will cope financially- as she is going for everything.

From a person who had an affair- I will say that my marriage was broken for a while and I had tried to get out several times before. No excuse to do what I did, but I was hoping she would have used it as reason to divorce me- she didnt. She used it as an excuse to make my life a living hell for the following 7 months. My point is that from the sounds of it, your marriage is over. You have 2 choices. You can discuss things as adults (put emotion aside) and try and come out with the best possible outcome for you both and your kids, or you can do as my STBX has done and make this as difficult as possible, directly affecting the little financial assets available, and harming your children;s relationship with him.

I know this all sounds very "matter of fact" but if you can put yourself in auto-pilot and function as best as possible things will move. No one wants to be in limbo hell.

As for your emotions- not suggesting you bottle them up. This is a great place to rant. Its a great place to get advice, but like most people- you will need closure. So go on the weekend and when in private with your husband just look at him and say "we need to talk". Funny how those 4 words instill a deep anxiety. Cry, yell, scream.. do what you need to- but then go back to auto-pilot.

Easier said than done but a good friend just went about her divorce with that tactic and is in a better place than anyone I know or have read about that went another route.

BTW- it does get better

  • Crumpled
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10 Apr 12 #322858 by Crumpled
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hi i am so sorry that you have had to join this forum but you have found the right place.
I imagine at the moment even though you suspected the affair you are currently in a state of shock .
Uset his forum for support because you will definitely be given it and also by people who have been in exactly the same situation so they understand what you are feeling and going through

  • sillywoman
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10 Apr 12 #322861 by sillywoman
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No excuse for an affair. If not happy,GET OUT.

Are you sure your husband is having an affair? If so, confront him, divorce and get rid of him asap. A Leopard doesn''t change his spots.

As for the weekend giving you a break - no it wont, itwill cause you unnecessary stress.

Regarding the financials, post all your details on here and you will get excellent advice!

  • Dancingsar
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10 Apr 12 #322868 by Dancingsar
Reply from Dancingsar
Thanks for the replies....

I know there will never be a right time to split...we have lots of family events coming up in the next few months, on my side of the family.
And I know I can''t carry on living as I am, not only for my sake but also for my daughter.
At the moment, it feels like he can''t bear bearing in the same room as me, has no patience, and no affection towards me... Like leaving in an igloo!!!!

Just think I need to bite the bullet and got it!!!
As I feel so taken for granted and treated like a mug!! :dry:

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10 Apr 12 #322872 by sillywoman
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If you husband is having an affair he will be distancing himself from you and highly excited and full of adrenaline because of his new lady.

Don''t let him treat you like this - you are worth so much more.

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