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Distraught to think I''m here

  • kingpleb
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12 Apr 12 #323198 by kingpleb
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Well what can I say other than I am extremely distraught that I''m here.

Its only been 10 days since things started to fall to pieces but outside interference has thrown C4 on the tiny fire and its just got worse.

I haven''t seen my kids for 10days and spoke to them once quickly and that was that. I''ve been refused contact of any kind and can''t speak to my wife as the police have asked me to stop texting her so I have complied as best i can. Her parents won''t even talk amicably with mine and as she has taken the last of my money and I''ve got huge debts in my name that really should have been joint i have no spare cash for a few weeks until i get paid.

She asked me to leave so she could have a break from me for a for days and I complied as I thought i''d be able to stay in the family caravan that resides on her parents land. Phoned up that night to double check it was still ok and they just said no they didn''t want me there as it didn''t feel right for them.
I left as my wife requested and as I had very little money i spent the next few nights sleeping in the car and getting takeaway type food when i felt hungry which wasn''t often.

I then went home on the agreed night and was extremely distraught and upset and i think leading up to that we both said things in texts that we would later regret. Anyway i turned up and didn''t say much but wasn''t rude or aggressive, just calm and self contained. She felt upset by this so phoned her parents. They then called 999 and logged it as a domestic dispute where i was being aggressive..

A few minutes later her dad tares up the driveway and blocks my car in and the police are only seconds behind him.
I''m in the garage at this point and one of the officers knocks on the garage door so i open it and let him in and he asks whats gone on so i tell the story and that as part of it i''d not wanted to give the keys back as i had a right to this family home as well as her and the kids and that i still hadn''t seen my children properly since arriving. he goes inside and speaks to them and advises me its maybe best to hand over the keys to him and leave without taking anything further. So i comply as I''m not unreasonable and didn''t want to wake or upset the youngest as the oldest was already awake and to him seeing the police turn up and then escorting daddy to his car and away from the house must have been worrying at the least.

So i know spend another night in the car as the officer asked me to leave and stay in a hotel, but i said i didn''t have the money and with the things in the car i couldn''t leave it parked anywhere unattended.

I then drove slowly over to my parents the next day and have spent a few days there but then been sleeping in the car after i finish work as i have no-where to go :(

I have spoken to a solicitor that my Employee Assistance Program has provided and have now sent a letter off to the land registry to register my interest in the property and as i can''t qualify for legal aid as i have no proof yet of rent being paid(as i cant pay any until I''m paid) I''m starting out defending myself as I want to contest the divorce as i know if we work as hard at that as we have done at our jobs we could make it.

The mediators i tried have called to say she has refused mediation and that a solicitor has sent a letter to my brothers house so he is waiting in for it to arrive so he can read it out to me over the phone and email me a copy and then I can go from there.

I''m thinking that when I inform her solicitor it will be a contested divorce and that it would be advisable if we sat down in a neutral environment with a 3rd party there to make sure things stayed calm that it may show her how much i want to go back and work on it as from what I''ve seen uncontested divorces are still not cheap but with contested ones the prices just go sky high (I''ve seen some on here saying their final bill was between £30-40k!) that''s 2 years of salary for me before tax and just something i could ill afford to be honest so I''m new here and will likely be asking lots of stupid questions as i muddle through this and try to piece a resemblance of life back together for myself :(

  • Fiona
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13 Apr 12 #323412 by Fiona
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What a sad state of affairs. It''s important to try and separate practicalities from the emotions otherwise it''s very easy to inflame matters and make them worse than they already are. There is no point in wasting energy, time and money contesting a divorce when they can be better spent on sorting out arrangements for children and finances.

Usually a spouse who leaves the marriage has spent months or even years deliberating and sadly once they have announced their departure there is no going back. Contesting the divorce just causes resentment and resistance compounding the problem. It is better to divorce with dignity and try to avoid unnecessary further long term damage to family relationships.

Your first priority should be to find somewhere to stay and have your wages paid into a separate bank account. Then you need to try and sort some form of contact so you can see your children and child maintenance.

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13 Apr 12 #323416 by Canuck425
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This situation sounds awful. Make sure you do see a lawyer and watch out for your interests. I would recommend doing everything you can to stay in constant contact with your kids. They need to know that you haven''t left them or given up on them. With so many fathers bailing on their kids you need to show them that you''re not going to let that happen.

Hopefully, sanity prevails and you and your wife can work together to figure out what is best for everyone.

Take care of yourself and good luck!

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13 Apr 12 #323423 by happyagain
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Hello kp,
As you are finding, bad things can happen to good people. I''m very sorry to hear of all the things that have happened to you. I echo what Fiona said, try as hard as you can to keep emotions out of this. You are no doubt angry, confused and asking why this has happened but it is clear that your wife is going to play hardball on this. She has already complained about you texting - the next thing she can do is get a harassment order against you, and the police now have a record of a domestic incident. These are common tactics used in unpleasant divorces and are often used as grounds to deny contact with children. I know it seems grossly unfair, and it is, but you need to be very, very careful what you do from this point forward. I am also surprised, and a bit annoyed, that the police asked for your keys, however at least you complied with this.
A bit of advice. As said, get your wage paid into a separate account. Let your wife know, in writing, how much you will be contributing to the house and kids per month. Once you leave you are only legally obliged to pay maintenance at csa rates but equally there may be other things you wish to contribute towards. Get your parents to contact your wife on your behalf about seeing the kids. If she refuses, get a court application in ASAP. At the moment you both have equal contact rights so there is no reason for her to refuse, unless she pulls the ''intimidation'' card out. Let your kids school know what''s going on and make sure they know to copy you in on anything concerning the children. You have a legal right to this. And finally (for now!) do not contact your wife for anything, unless this can be done through a third party. The same for going to the house, never go alone.
Take care.

  • kingpleb
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15 Apr 12 #323948 by kingpleb
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Thanks H.A.

I''ve started a blog on this and am even worse today than i was a few days ago and its just going downhill as each day pass''s with the longer its been since I''ve seen the kids.

I''ll contact their schools tomorrow morning and let them know about the current standing of affairs.

My dad has tried ringing her and the phone just isn''t answered so there isn''t going to be any contact soon as i also recieved a letter stating that due to my aggressive(!) behavior of not saying much to my wife one night they are requesting supervised contact which im refusing point blank to do.

I''ve donw volunteer work with kids for nearly 10 years and don''t have an aggressive bone in body so im not sure where thats come from. Yes i get cross sometimes but we all do and i''ve never lashed out.

I also think she may be trying to go down the legal aid route as well so she can just run her solicitors as much as she wants despite really having a very good income(£29K+) and her parents will no doubt be giving her plenty of cash in hand to get her through.

Why does it hurt so much and only seem to be getting worse?

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15 Apr 12 #323989 by happyagain
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Sadly I am not surprised that your ex has sent this letter, she''s almost following the route of ex-spouse manipulating the system to the letter. As soon as you said the police had been called, I knew this was coming. It makes me angry when this happens as there are people who really do need police intervention, not angry exes trying to get their own way.
It''s clear your wife is not going to play fair and, in the nicest possible way, you need to grit your teeth and flex some muscle. Reply immediately to the sol saying that a.) You have never been deemed to be an unfit parent or a threat to their well being before your separation and do not agree with your wife''s concerns b.) you have an unblemished track record of working with young people and can provide character references to the courts if needs be c.) You do not believe your actions to have been intimidating, simply an argument between you both that got heated, but are happy to provide an undertaking that you will have no direct contact with your wife if this makes her more comfortable. On these grounds you refuse the request for supervised contact and instead suggest that contact begins ASAP on a regular basis in order for your children to continue to enjoy the important relationship with their dad that is their right. If your wife refuses, and will not attend mediation, then you will progress matters to court.
This might sound dramatic but if your wife is already suggesting supervised contact then I''m afraid that this is not going to be nice.

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16 Apr 12 #324109 by Marshy_
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Hi King.

kingpleb wrote:

Why does it hurt so much and only seem to be getting worse?


This happens a lot more than you think. Lots of ex husbands end up living rough because of various reasons and somehow, you have gotten excluded from your own home. I think the way back to your home is blocked now. I wouldn''t try that one.

It doesnt take a lot to be excluded from your home as a man. One cross word, the old bill is called and the next thing you know you are excluded. And this is what I suspect has happened. But this doesnt mean that you have no rights in respect of yr home. Its just that you cant go back there for now. What ever you do, dont contact her. She will just use this against you. Same with the kids.

What I think you should do is stop yrself sliding further down the slippery slope. You need a roof over your head and without that, you cant do anything. You will end up a right mess if you try and live in a car. So I would forget everything and establish somewhere to live.

There are various charities that operate in all areas that operate some shared living accommodation. I would suggest that this is yr 1st port of call. Unfortunately, most crises centers are for women. But get a roof over your head and go from there. You cant do anything living on the streets. And I am sorry this has happened to you. C.

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