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Relate Appointment Booked - Any advice please

  • Shoegirl
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13 Apr 12 #323515 by Shoegirl
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I went to relate and was told my stbx "issues" were not something they dealt with. I wish I were joking! Nothing like being told they could not help with the issues causing our marital problems. I felt totally desperate after that I can tell you! Anyway I''m sorted now but I don''t have fond memories of relate.

Anyway I digress. This is about you. Seems to me that you are entering counselling with different perspectives. One wants to save the marriage the other wants to leave. As pixy said as long as both of you are honest then it may help. Have you considered seeing therapists separately? They might suggest this.

Despie my earlier comments on relate, I ended up finding a counsellor outside of relate who was excellent. Would not have got to where I have today without it. I''m sure you will fan relate helpful, my situation was a bit unusual.

  • maisymoos
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14 Apr 12 #323661 by maisymoos
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Relate can help if both people want it to, but yes honesty has to be from both sides to. I attended relate for 3 months. My ex lied all the way through, he was continuing his affair. Relate councillors aren''t stupid either. The whole experience was confusing and compounded the hurt I was already feeling, why would someone pretend to a 3rd party that they were trying to rebuild a marriage but make no effort in reality. However in hindsight I am glad I went it taught me a lot about myself and more importantly about my stbx. Infact I realised the person who I had married was not who I thought he was at all. In a way it is a relief I found out and certainly made getting over him much much easier.

  • fairylandtime
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14 Apr 12 #323678 by fairylandtime
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Hi Sam72

I really think Relate are very good, had several experiances myself, from a set of sessions that brought us back together early on & a set on my own (X refused) which helped me come to terms with issues & finally stand up for myself & treat myself as an equal human being (to X - was quite a shock for X but has helped me).

They are also very good for after / during divorce matters & needed this for then also (know I sound a right mess!! LOL)

The Young person councelling they provide is very very good & has been invaluble for one of my kids when he needed it most (both pre & post Dv).

Tips:
Go in without an agenda - either you (appears reconciliation) or X (appears an exit strategy given your post)
You need an open mind
Its a here we are / how did we get here / where are we going strategy really.
No point in lying on either side as that would be a waste of time & money & who are you lying to yourself really?

Well done for going as I know its hard taking that first step, & Good luck with it, at the end of the day all you can do is your best given the circumstances that you are delt.

Stay Strong JJx

  • FizzyFish
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16 Apr 12 #324342 by FizzyFish
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I had a poor experience with Relate too - despite the fact first words out of stbx''s mouth were "I don''t know why I''m here, I just want to be single". (A lie - he said the other woman wasn''t the reason - of course, she was - and then I found on his browsing history he''d been looking at two internet dating sites) ...

I went in hoping for advice and counselling - he went in wanting to end the marriage. The counsellor laughed at one of his lame jokes while I sat in tears.

Not wanting to colour your judgement, but if you don''t get on with Relate there are numerous counsellors out there that charge about the same as Relate quoted me (£57 for an hour session).

  • Marshy_
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17 Apr 12 #324406 by Marshy_
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Hi FF.

FizzyFish wrote:

Not wanting to colour your judgement, but if you don''t get on with Relate there are numerous counsellors out there that charge about the same as Relate quoted me (£57 for an hour session).


I think you pay what you can afford with Relate. But its gone up a lot then? Last time I was at relate was 2006. I went (on my own) for about 10 or 12 weeks. My sister had to pay for me to go as I couldn''t let my ex know I was going at lunchtimes. She reckoned that I needed signed permission to talk about her. And her not knowing, saved me a lot of interrogations. Allegedly, it was my problem. She was perfect so why did she have to go? I ask ya? I laugh about it now.

During 2008, I went back to counselling and that was for 10 months. But it wasnt at relate. I had this big blocker and I couldn''t get past it. I am glad I went to relate and the second set of counselling. It solved a lot of issues for me. C.

  • Brensham
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17 Apr 12 #324428 by Brensham
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My experience with Relate wasn''t great. The woman blamed it all on my fathers death she didn''t actually listen to what was said and actually made the situation a thousand times worse.

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