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Very mixed view of this website

  • john1960
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14 Apr 12 #323603 by john1960
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Hi all,
New to this site and initial thoughts are very mixed.
Firstly, some amazing posts on here by some very thoughtful, in some instances with what appears to be with hurting hearts and aching souls but still intellectually aware people. Quite amazing how insightful some people are whilst in the depths of pain.
Plenty of advice, fantastic.

Then some posts, by people who appear to want to use this site to accuse in both the most vicious and underhand manner their ex or new partners ex for what would appear to be for no reason other than self-acclaim and justification of their own actions.

I understand the need for this, i am guilty of it in part and whilst i can reason with my motives, the primary reason was to vent my feelings of injustice and hurt.

When does that stop? For me it stopped a long time ago and whilst i do not wish to judge those for whom such actions must continue, for whatever reason, i cannot understand the need to use what is such a great website to promote and express what are little more than vicious opinions and views.

There is a great post on here about love and sex which then includes a post from someone who feels the need to talk about their ex''s ''stunted'' sex life and a further review of posts detail what the new partners ex wouldn’t do in the bedroom. The comment doesn’t appear to be appropriate in the context of the entire post thread so I then read the posts of this person to find little more than self-gratification and the abuse of the new partners ex. Worse than that is that i then see responses to the persons posts which are supportive of what i find is at best a very one sided element of a story without any consideration of the whole story. Posts that are so concluding as to the facts of the matter which make no sense whatsoever, especially when questions are asked about the situation but are ignored or met with dismissal.
I feel really sorry for this person, i really do. It would appear that all is not well in their relationship despite what is being posted. However, what i am more concerned with is that such people have an outlet on this site. OK, someone will say that’s a good thing, freedom of speech, expression of feelings etc, i get all that. But is this site better for such posts? Are they helpful to the wider site community even if deemed helpful for the sole person making the post.
If ever one thing is true it''s that there are always two sides albeit both sides are rarely heard or more importantly want to be heard.
If feels to me that the forum element of this site should be called ''just one side of the story''. I am not saying one side isn''t important; i am merely expressing a concern that the one side is deafening and could cause damage to those on here who need to see and hear both sides to help their own situation.
Very sad indeed but the good on this site outweighs the bad and long may that continue.
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  • mez
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14 Apr 12 #323618 by mez
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Hi. You sound like you are making a personal point about your situation. Don''t be defensive. Contributions on these forums are, by their very nature, the feelings, opinions & experiences of the person at the time. Practical advice, soul searching, legalities, Hopefully we can all offer support & help to point in the right direction. We all can empathise or learn from each other, No judging, blame, or shame. Just a desire to get through & understand how we got here & how to lessen the impact. That is why this site is so unique.
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14 Apr 12 #323630 by john1960
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I am not making a personal point, no where near in fact although there are many i could make but i dont see or feel the need to do so. Nor do i feel that i am being defensive and having read my post again i dont see where i am being unless someone chooses to ignore the majority of the post and pick up on one comment at the end about good outweighing the bad. I started my post with a very positive comment about the site and ended it with a comment that the good on here outwieghs the bad. On refection i should not have referred to bad, i should have referred to potentially dangerous actions and for this i apologise.
I definately wasn''t telling people what to do although i note thats exactly what you have done to me based on your personal interpretation of my post "Don''t be defensive".
I understand why contributions on this site may be feelings, opinions & experiences of the person at that time. My observation, and thats all it is based on my interpreation of what i have read, is that some of thoses feelings and opinions would not be pointing people in the right direction. Most of the posts do not fall into this category, alot of them are excellent and i wish i had joined this site a long time ago and had access to such good advice. I also stand by my observation and opinion that it would appear that some people use this site to do little more than use it as a forum to attack their ex and/or their new partners ex and/or familiy and that i dont think those posts are helpful when they are mixed in posts where people are seeking support and advice.
You have referred to ''no judging, blame or shame'' but that is exactly what i have seen in a lot of posts which, if the site is a place to let of steam, is great but i am raising the matter as to whether such comments are great in the context of the wider post.

This site is unique in many many positive ways. Many of it''s contributors appear to be here to really help others in a genuine and helpful manner based on their own experiences and in particular what they have learnt through the journey of divorce.
My opinion is that it is also an unfortunately unique site in that people can make unmoderated comments which some people may find unhelpful because the person replying to a post appears to want to inject a trace of bitterness or dig at an ex and somehow turn the post into a justification of previous actions and current thoughts rather than offering sound and helpful advice. There are blogs for such comments and views and feelings but my observation is that advice forum posts are being used as the platform for attacks on an ex. I think offering advice in terms of an option is fantastic. ''have you considered this option for the following reasons'', ''in my experience i would do this although i actually did that because of whatever reason''.
I am not commenting negatively on any person who has posted on this site, if i appear to be doign so then i apologise for this. I dont know anyone personally and i dont know their circumstances. Even if i did know them i wouldnt comment on them in terms of telling them they are right or wrong because i would only be hearing their side of a story and not the whole story which is very often very enlightening. Nor is it any of my business what they do or say. I am merely, like many others, giving my opinion on an observation. I have said what i consider is good about this site and what i think is bad albeit, as statred above i think on reflection that i should have referred to what i think are potentially dangerous actions, comments and posts rather than bad.

We are all guilty or assuming even when we say we never assume and the opening paragraph of your reply to my post what very much that. I will make a mental note to check what i post on this site in terms of assuming, i hope others will do the same.

Always two side to a story even if we dont want to think it, for whatever reason or motives.
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  • Gloriasurvive
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14 Apr 12 #323631 by Gloriasurvive
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Personally have been helped tremendously by this site. Do not read every post, as yet never come across one that has made me feel uncomfortable. If a thread''s content is inappropriate I believe the moderators would intervene.
It is very therapeutic and recommended to write about or express your anger during the grieving process, as long as you are not harming anyone. Better out than in.
I cannot comment on what you read but I would like to add a little thought upon the point about two sides to a story. Yes you are right but often the reason people find themselves on Wiki is the injustice is very one sided. Many of us have had awful things happen to us and Wiki unites us as a means by which we can unpick and hopefully process the grievance and grief. Many have come from an emotionally and in some cases a physically abusive relationship. In that case the victim should be encouraged to dispel blame.
I''m not sure what I am trying to say but perhaps until we walk in that persons shoes we should not judge how they are choosing to deal with their pain. Unless, as said harmful to others. Venting anger or frustration as long as no names are mentioned is fine with me if it helps one get to the other side of this hideous roller coaster of emotions.
I do hope John you are able to stay and find support from Wiki and not mind these posts that caused you discomfort reading. It is after all just someone else''s way of dealing with their anger. Who are any of us to judge?
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14 Apr 12 #323637 by john1960
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I totally agree that we should not judge, we must have all been guilty of that at some stage, definately me. I do not mean to judge people on this site and if it appears that way i will remove my post.
I can understand the injustice and why people find this site such an outlet. If i am honest that is what has brought me to this site.
However i do worry that the venting of injustice can be harmfull and not helpful to others when a personal and what i consider is a bitter and very one sided view of someone is expressed in response to someone seeking advice, that someone maybe being emotionally drained, hurt, upset etc.
I cannot begin to understand the hurt of others but i do think that others should be careful of the advice they offer and the reason for it. I am not judging them, im really not, i just worry about the implications of such advice.
I want to include in this message some of the posts i have read which i find not just bitter and twisted but totally terrible advice when they are telling someone what to do and then justify it because what an ex has done to them. I then read the beginning of the thread of the post to find that the advice is totally out of context of the advice being sought. However me copying such posts would be unfair on the person who made it because, as you have said in your reply, people feel injustice and will post according to their feelings.
I wont continue this post because based on the replys i have not explained myself well. I was just trying to make a point that there is a danger of people offering strong and oh so certain but what i consider is unbalanced advice, albeit they consider it genuine despite it being laced with bitterness. I am not judging, its merely an observation.
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  • MrsMathsisfun
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14 Apr 12 #323638 by MrsMathsisfun
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Thank you John for saying what I have felt about some of the post on this site recently.

I understand the need to vent and accept that there is a lot of hurt and angry people who use the site, but to continually condemn someone just because they are perceived as the ''''villain'''' isn''t helpful.
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  • Forseti
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14 Apr 12 #323649 by Forseti
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I think John makes some very important points.

If we respond to someone''s request for help or advice we take on a huge responsibility. Wrong advice in matters relating to children could be devastating and cause life-long consequences. We owe it to the person to give the best advice we can, and only when we have something helpful to say and we are sure of our ground.

Sometimes the best advice will be not to do what the person is planning to do, and the advice will not always be welcome. But it is better to change one''s strategy here than in court.

I''m a moderator on a couple of other forums, on one of which every post has to be moderated. Recently I allowed through a post which, though well-intentioned, gave erroneous legal advice. It caused some confusion and necessitated further posts to correct the advice given. I should probably not have allowed the post, but one tries not to be too draconian and in family law there is rarely only one possible answer to a question.

As you become familiar with a forum - this or any other - you learn to pay attention to some posters and ignore others; there will always be some who take every thread as an opportunity to vent about their own case, but sometimes even that can be instructive. When I''m moderating there are some contributors I allow through automatically and others I scrutinise very carefully.

Perhaps as you are new here, John, there are things you need to ask about and which the Wikivorce community could help you with. Usually there will be a variety of answers which reflect the variety of experiences here - just occasionally all responses will say the same thing, which is a pretty good indication they are correct! It is certainly worth testing the water and seeing what people come up with.
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