A woman''s perspective please.

After Relate, my wife basically said she no longer loves me, no longer finds me sexually attractive. Has stated we are best friends. So you ladies out there, how does this work? I still fancy my wife , it would be so much easier if I didnt, even though she had an affair for Christ sake! So do men always find fit women fit? And women change their view dependent on how they feel they''re treated/respected/loved? I hope this post doesn''t offend I just find it hard to get that a wife who used to rip my clothes off is now saying there is nothing there. I''m dead confused/ stupid?

I can''t answer for all women but for me how I''m treated plays a huge part in a relationship.I need to feel respected,cared for and loved in normal everyday life before I can feel affection ,attraction and love in return.If these are missing from the relationship I would just feel used and also abused.Not sure if this answers your question?

Hi Sam72,

I am a great believer in men/women suddenly thinking that the grass is greener to eventually be proven that it is just a muddy shade of brown!

As hard as this may be, she may still having her head turned by someone else!

The reasons she states are only part of a marriage, but her head may be being inflated by someone else, therefore she is looking for an excuse. Her reasoning falls short of the fact that there is so much more to a marriage, including feeling loved, secure, part of a team, trust, dignity, respect and the list goes on.

Do not let someone be a priority in your life, if you are only an option in theirs. You deserve so much more and let me tell you when the trust is gone, it is so hard to re-build!

Let her go off and find her Nirvana....

Take care for now FoS x

I got that same "we''re great friends" line at the beginning of my journey. My therapist had a GREAT line. He said "friend don''t treat each other like that". So true.

Really, I think the leaver is just trying to make things as easy and nice as they can. They seem to have moved on years ago and the other side just has to catch up.

Of course you cannot turn your feelings off so quickly. However, the best thing you can do is to focus on you. make your life as good as possible. Get healthier emotionally and physically. Take care of yourself first!

I don''t think this kind of claptrap is gender specific. I got much the same. The reality is that one spouse has for whatever reason decided to seek emotional solace elsewhere; sex is a factor but it is not the only one; I suspect it is not even the overwhelming one.

I think you''ll find the response you''re getting from your wife is a ''stock'' response that we''ve all had one way or another. I need to feel cared about and loved and respected and I felt none of this in the last few years of our marriage. My ex will tell you that he also didn''t feel cared about loved and respected which is why he had an affair. It''s a bit chicken and egg in that respect.

You can''t force her to feel differently about you or your marriage. She has to work it out for herself but whilst she''s doing that, what you need to do is take care of you, get on with life, work out where you''re going next and work out how you''re getting there. You have to assume it''s over because the chances are that it is. Don''t hang about hoping - it will set back your own recovery for months, possibly years. Do what you can to accept and then move yourself forwards. Should you wife realise that the grass indeed wasn''t greener, you can deal with that then - but don''t hold your breath waiting for it to happen.

Some good replies here - particularly liked yours, FoS.

Having had no contact with my wife since she left, and having no idea what she''s doing, where she is or who she''s with, I can only assume that the "greener field" scenario has worked its magic, but on the other hand...

Maybe if their heads are so easily turned, we weren''t their right choice all along, and the marriages were doomed from the start.

Who knows?

(Sorry, this has been another man''s perspective!)

Chris