I have just joined today so thought I''d say hello.
I am recently divorced - was made final in the middle of January. Was all very quick - my ex husband left me in June last year with pretty much no warning.
I have found out that this guy whom I loved very much, was really not the person I thought he was. He has lied and deceived me and now I am left trying to figure out what the hell happened and where do I go from here!
A very warm welcome to Wiki Land. I am so sorry that you find yourself here in the first place, but you have come to the right place for support and guidance.
Although you are now divorced, that is just the formality. It may take you a very long time to adjust to your new found situation. I would imagine that since June last year to January it has been a whirlwind of emotions for you, but at the same time you will not have really had much time to digest what has happened?
Firstly, there are so many of us here who thought we knew our X''s inside out...as the saying goes Jekyl and Hyde may have been more appropriate. So many of us who spent lifetimes believing that we knew these people inside out, only to be proven so wrong. So BrokenPromises, you are not alone and the kind souls of Wiki will understand your hurt and confusion.
Secondly, as hard as it may be, you have to stop looking for answers as you most probably will never get them. This is very hard to come to terms with, I myself am 21 months down the line and am still aggrieved that I still do not totally understand the "Why" question.
Spend time focusing on yourself and read the blogs and the forums to help you digest things in a different way. Try not investing any time in a dead relationship. Look under the Book Thread for any literature that may help you make sense of it all. There are some good recommendations there.
Thanks for your reply FoS. It''s comforting to know that other people have all these feelings and emotions that they don''t know what to do with.
You''re right I do need to stop looking for the answers - I will never ever get them. My husband left me saying that his health issues were not fair to me and he needed time to sort his mood swings out so that he could stop takings things out on me. He is diabetic and his mood patterns are something to behold! A tough way of life for me - but I appreciate much harder for him. However, I loved him and it was part and parcel of him.
Anyway the long and the short of the story is - after many talks about how he was depressed (he came back and fore to our house every day after he moved out in June), many evenings of him crying to me and then finally telling me that he didn''t want to be alive anymore - I was worried sick about him and was waiting everyday for someone to knock my door to tell me something awful had happened to him - I finally found out that he had been seeing someone else - and for a long time. He denied and denied this but he is now living with her etc etc. She too was married and has left her husband who has been very ill with lukemia.
He has never once to this day told me the truth about this situation. Never once said he had someone else.
So no - I will never get any answers as he is the only one who can give them to me and obviously he feels I do not need to know the truth! I feel like I have been living in the ''Twilight Zone'' for a very long time where nothing is real and is totally bizarre. Some of the things that have happened - well you couldn''t make them up!
The thing about the lying is that it does leave you in a state of numb confusion as you are left feeling you have been well and truly deceived and if it happened in that context - the nearest and dearest - where else has it gone on?
I am always reminded of the poetry - what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive - and it is a web. Goodness knows what he was thinking of when he was running between you and someone else but you can be pretty sure it wasnt you ! Glad yr legals are done, if you read others awful situation you will know that is infact a blessing. However I agree with FoS time wise you are in early days so be prepared for some emotional wash days. Its the life laundry but its OK to leave it until you need to do it - be kind to self is best way forward.
Such a familiar story. I agree that looking for answers is somewhat useless. Unless you''re looking for answers about your own behaviour and reactions to various situations over the years. This, I think, is very useful indeed.
Take care of yourself first for now. Really focus on you. Do little things just for you that you wouldn''t normally do. Commit to having more fun in your life. It will happen.