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Never thought i would be on here..

  • inaspin
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21 Apr 12 #325555 by inaspin
Topic started by inaspin
So just though i would say hello...
I split with my wife of 10 years just over 2 months ago and we have 2 chidren...I decide to move out of the house the next day as i still love her and it hurt like hell no know she did not..i moved into my caravan until i could sort out a place to live and am still in it now..(costs a damn fortune).. I am still so confused as to what has gone on and what i did wrong but it seems i was not the right person for her after all...
She is hyper organized and smart unlike me who is the opposite.. Prob part of the problem...

We have come to an agreement over finance and the children after a bit of a dodgy start..(me still in shellshock)and we have decided she can apply for divorce under unreasonable behavior (though i am still unsure as to what that is) so it can be done quicker and we can get on with our lives...
We seem to be getting on ok but like i said its all still a bit raw for me.

Well thats the first post on here for me and can i say in advance thanks for any support/advice..

  • hadenoughnow
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21 Apr 12 #325588 by hadenoughnow
Reply from hadenoughnow

Welcome to wiki but sorry you find yourself here.

If I may say so, it does seem that everything is being done in a bit of a rush here. As you say, you are still in shock and there is a danger that you are agreeing to things that could disadvantage you majorly in the future.

Is there really no chance of salvaging the marriage? Have you suggested Relate?

Have you had legal advice about the finances?


  • sun flower
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21 Apr 12 #325594 by sun flower
Reply from sun flower
Welcome inaspin.
I am sorry you have to be here but glad you found us.
I think I started off like you, trying to be logical, and clinical about the ''inevitable''...and boy has that back fired on me.
You may manage, but I think many of us are shocked by the strength or our emotions as we watch our families fall apart in front of our eyes.
I think you may still be in shock. Don''t rush - this is your life and family that someone is playing fast and loose with. Unless you are very lucky and manage to avoid it (and I wish I knew how) you will have a period of bereavement to go through. It sometimes feels worse than a death.
You are among friends here if you need us - most of us have been through something similar.
Don''t be rushed - take your time - be kind and true to yourself.
Don''t be side lined out of your children''s lives for anyone''s convenience - even the woman you love who may appear to behave like a stranger now.
Very often the leaver is ahead of the game emotionally - they have worked out what they want and how they are going to get it - and who they hurt seems to be irrelevant now.
I''m not sure how helpful this is. It seems a bit negative. Hope the others offer more positive views.

  • samchik1
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22 Apr 12 #325704 by samchik1
Reply from samchik1
Sorry to hear this inaspin. I''m about a month ahead of you I guess and your situation sounds similar to mine - wife''s decision, she no longer loves you, you were always very different, kids involved. You are undoubtedly in the initial shock phase. In such an early phase I remember being so shocked that the true emotional weight of this did not really hit me properly. Then it began...and I''m still caught up in that. I don''t know what to tell you...I guess for me it was important to ensure that I didn''t forget to make sure my needs regarding our son and other factors were protected. I''m glad I did that now. It was worth it. Emotionally though...you can''t avoid it...have to pass through it. I wish you the best.

  • julesgy
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22 Apr 12 #325779 by julesgy
Reply from julesgy
hi inaspin
well all i can say is that youve come to the right place , i joined a few weeks ago and have posted when i felt needed but also i have spent time reading other peoples blogs and posts and to me has been a massive help in moving along i have been with my stbx for 36 years when he decided he no longer wanted to be with me and have been through lots of emotions (and still do weve been separated for 2yrs and i still love him and try to find a real reason for the marriage break up) do not rush anything just take one day at a time
take care

  • inaspin
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22 Apr 12 #325793 by inaspin
Reply from inaspin
Thanks julesgy,

I too still love my stbx and i am finding it very hard to come to terms with the fact she no longer loves me... I am trying to stay strong but i am embaressed to say it''s all a front.... I am not sure if i am comming or going...i am getting little sleep(if any)and I am ashamed of the fact i cry for no reason???????.. I am a 39 year old man who is stuggling to even look after himself..
My stbx is very clever and well organised and seems to have very little emotion when dealing with this.. It''s pretty hard to even think when you have had your heart cut out.... sorry i''m rambling but this seems to be the only time i can pour out what i''m thinking without the shame of being seen in the mess i am.. I would just like to say a big thanks to all for the support so far.. it does help if only a little at the moment...

  • yellowrose
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22 Apr 12 #325797 by yellowrose
Reply from yellowrose
Dear inaspin
Please go and see your G.P to get something to help you sleep at least. I waited 9 months before I finally accepted I couldn''t deal with this on my own. The sleep doesn''t take the pain away but you do feel an awful lot better in yourself.
I don''t love my ex, I hate him. When my adult male children were reduce3d to tears by his confessions of adultery all love for him evaporated. The hate became all consuming but I realise that for me to move on I have to let go of that.
I still struggle with what he has done and like you put on a facebut I''m determined he won''t win in the end.
Stay strong and look after yourself

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