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How to initiate a discussion to a non talker

  • runriarun
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23 Apr 12 #325945 by runriarun
Topic started by runriarun
To stay or go ...... how do you initiate a discussion with a man who just doesnt do the talk emotions, feelings.

I have on many occasion tried to bring up the subject of "im not happy in this marriage" to be told, "well just #### off then. Your problem YOU deal with it."

How do you tell your husband of 25 years that you want to leave?

I am scared. Lonely. Stressed. Living in Limbo. Do I try to bring up the subject, generate discussion (i must owe him that) but in fear that he will explode and I will be not be "in" control, with little money, potentially out on my ear.

Or do I quietly plan, work out a strategy to escape before generating the discussion.

I need to work out all the pros cons, finances, plans .... the danger is once I open my mouth a giant snowball of emotion, anger, resentment will engulf me. I am scared of the consequences.

My preference is to walk out the door with a flat already waiting, my finances stablish and my dignigy in tact. My fear is aggression, humiliation.

My husband''s behaviour has erode my feelings toward him. There is nothing left. I have covered up, carried on for the sake of the children. I have seen through their schooling, university and now the moment I have fantasised about draws near. Time for me. Is it right to be selfish? Why do I feel guilty about everything? Should I stay to keep everyone else happy. I have played my part too, as the saying goes it takes two to tango and its been a very unhappy dance. Im tired.

Ria

  • livinginhope
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23 Apr 12 #325971 by livinginhope
Reply from livinginhope
Welcome to Wiki.
Obviously the ideal thing is for you both to discuss how things are between you but if he refuses that isn''t going to work.
You can go to Relate by yourself and see if they can help at all.They also have published a few books which may help.Just look up their publications.
I would suggest that you make appointments to see a couple of solicitors to see how you stand financially if you do decide to Divorce.You will then have an idea of what sort of lifestyle you will have as a single person.
If nothing can be done to make your relationship happier for you you need to do the best you can for your future happiness.Divorce is never easy but sometimes it can be the only solution.

  • Canuck425
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23 Apr 12 #325974 by Canuck425
Reply from Canuck425
Maybe he just doesn''t get it? Can you look him in the eye and tell him that you are so concerned about the state of your marriage that you are about to leave? Do you think that would wake him up? Can you be direct, succinct and kind? Can you do it with an open heart? Without any preconceived notion of what will happen? Can you have this conversation without already having mentally or emotionally left the marriage?

Maybe it''s too late but maybe it''s not. Maybe he''s in pain too and you need to figure that out together? It''s really hard to say.

But it sounds like, from your perspective, you need to give this your best shot. So do it. Then, if you leave, you''ll know you tried.

  • Lostboy67
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23 Apr 12 #325986 by Lostboy67
Reply from Lostboy67
Hi Ria,
Welcome to Wiki, but sorry you find yourself here....

subject of "im not happy in this marriage" to be told, "well just #### off then. Your problem YOU deal with it."


But you are still there, so he is going to take it as a hollow threat again.

Have you descided that the marriage is already over or would something like councilling help? If you think it would tell him straight that you are not happy and you are going to book an appointment at relate and you''d like him to come along. BUT go ahead and book it and tell him when the appointment is. He needs to know you are serious.

Take care
LB

  • runriarun
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23 Apr 12 #325992 by runriarun
Reply from runriarun
Thank you for your response, for all the replies. I dont know what I expected when I posted something but it is very comforting to know people are out there, listening and talking.

In my heart I left a long time ago, he has destroyed whatever feeling was there, but some how I still feel guilty like I should try. However I think deep down, ultimately whatever he says does I dont think he can do anything to undo what has gone on before. He is trying now, I think he realises how unhappy I am.

I am not sure how counselling will help. The behaviour that caused this problem is relatively uncommon now, but the humiliation and stress caused over a 20 year period has left a huge mark on my character, confidence, self esteem and I dont think it matters "how nice" he is now. Damage is done. And I sense we are drifting.

Just talking, mulling things over is helping. thank you.

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23 Apr 12 #325993 by runriarun
Reply from runriarun
I will do that, assess my legal rights and financial arrangements.

I just dont want to live a life full of regrets. If I stay there will be, if I go there is a "may" in there somewhere.

thank you for your response, really appreciated. Ria.

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23 Apr 12 #325995 by runriarun
Reply from runriarun
A conversation. To know I have tried. Yes.
I feel guilty about most things, if I walk away not having given him the opportunity to talk, yes I will feel guilty.

The conversation may cost me but there are no winners here.

Thank you for taking the time to respond, it is really appreciated. Ria.

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