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How to initiate a discussion to a non talker

  • Lostboy67
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23 Apr 12 #325999 by Lostboy67
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Going to Relate may help you both to allow things to come to a less traumatic end.

LB

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23 Apr 12 #326002 by Patrick1968
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There''s a couple of things here. One is not being able to talk which can be the result of trauma - percieved or real the other is not wanting to talk and that can be about not accepting whats going on. If he''s aggressively telling you to walk there must be some frustration on his part unless he''s just stupid. Sounds like you done your best no point in flogging a dead horse.

  • runriarun
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23 Apr 12 #326008 by runriarun
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Maybe if I look at it from the outside they are just threats real or not. Maybe he is calling my bluff, he says go and I dont.

Maybe his response if I actually say right I am unhappy and then he delivers his line and I carry through with the conversation the outcome will be different.

I will attempt to have this discussion but I wont do it unless I have organised my life, money, somewhere to live (even as a temporary precaution) because I can only go on previous behaviours and they arent good.

Thank you for taking the time to respond.
Ria.

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23 Apr 12 #326010 by livinginhope
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Just to let you know Ria I went to Relate alone to explore whether they thought joint Counselling would help.I was surprised to be told that the best thing they could do for me would be to help me be strong enough to get through the Divorce and face my life ahead.
After that,plus other things happening,I made the decision to divorce.So far I have managed without going back to Relate.I think that session made me realise that I needed to take the steps to end my marriage.It helped me see things from an outsider''s viewpoint.You might find it useful too.

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23 Apr 12 #326016 by runriarun
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Sounds like it was a positive thing for you. Can I ask how much it cost, was it expensive? Money could be an issue.

I seem to go round and round in circles in my head. I think I am looking for solutions that arent there. Only I can decide what is the right thing. Talking on here has been an eye opener. Didnt realise it was here until I heard someone talking about it. It does help to let off steam a little,shed thoughts.

Ria.

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23 Apr 12 #326017 by livinginhope
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I think I paid £50 for the session but I was asked if I could afford it.I think they take financial circumstances into consideration and can offer reduced fee.It might be worth ringing them and asking about it.

  • Canuck425
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23 Apr 12 #326031 by Canuck425
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A few things strike me about your posts.

In my heart I left a long time ago, he has destroyed whatever feeling was there, but some how I still feel guilty like I should try


This is so common with the people leaving. They seem to have made up their mind years ago and it takes that long to make it happen. If you really think you''re done then you need to be honest with him and yourself and leave. Not have a discussion about trying to make it work. But just tell him it''s over and there is no point in discussing why.

If you really want to explore the possibility of making things better then ask yourself are you tied to one particular outcome? Are you so convinced of what will happen that you''ll make sure it will happen. You do not know what is going to happen. No one does. Can you live in the present in the moment. Forget the past and not worry about the future?

I am not sure how counselling will help.


Ahhh, now that is an interesting statement! Of course you''re not sure. How could you be? Have you done any individual counseling? Have you examined your role in getting your marriage to this point? Do you have accountability of your actions? Do you know who you are and what you want? Typically, there is so much individual work to be done even before couple work can be done.

You say you''re unhappy. I get that. Are you sure your marriage is the source of that unhappiness? Can you look within yourself and find happiness? You talk about self esteem and confidence. What are you doing to build that up. To ensure that your life is awesome with or without your husband?

I have talked to so many men that have been left by their spouses and they really had no clue what was going on. After such a long relationship, can you grab him, look him in the eye and tell him what you''re feeling? What you want to build for yourself? And start to figure out if you can do it together?

It sounds to me like your marriage is over. Now you both need to decide if you want to start building a new one.

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