This is my first post here so please be gentle with me.
I have been separated from my husband, not through choice, for nearly 2 years. He was unfaithful. Late last year I felt ready to move on having decided that I''m not cut out to be single.
I have met a lovely man through an internet dating site and when we met he had only just left the FMH although his moving out had been on the cards for a long time. He has 3 children and they are his priority. I accept this and never want to do anything that will spoil his relationship with them.
I feel sympathy for his wife as I have been in her position, ie. single parent and realising that your marriage has failed whatever the reasons for it. I know how you feel a failure and humiliated.
I don''t want to humiliate her. I don''t want to make her life more difficult than it is but on the other hand I feel I have found the man for me.
We have had discussions about him going back and I believe him when he tells me that his not going back is not dependent on our relationship. He wouldn''t go back under any circumstances.
We are trying to take things carefully and try very hard to minimise the distress for everyone. My children are comfortable with his presence. His children don''t know about me yet. They are a lot younger than mine and we wanted to give them time to adapt to the idea that Mum and Dad don''t live together anymore. His STBX does know about our relationship and I feel that was the trigger for her starting divorce proceedings. When she found out about us I knew she would be upset. I''m sure the fact that they were already separated didn''t make any difference to the way she felt about it.
I believe we''ve behaved well under the circumstances. I wouldn''t have chosen this path but I can''t go back to how things were two years ago even if I wanted to. I feel we are both entitled to be happy but that we can''t have happiness together at the expense of everyone else''s feelings. We''re on a tricky path but I hope that in the long run everyone will have a happy future.
My partner had only been separated from his ex for 3 months when we meet.
My partner ex was the one who finally put an end to the marriage by having an affair, but my partner openly admits that the marriage was over for a long time before that.
The ex was pleased that my partner had found someone (think it stopped her feeling guilty).
Up to the point I arrived on the scene the divorce had been quite amicable, the house sold and shared etc, it was just a case of dotting the i''s and crossing the t''s with the divorce and getting the Consent Order signed and sealed.
Then out of the blue, the ex demanded more of the assets and has dragged the process out for 2 years. She started to make comments about how she is ''''entitled'''' to this that and other. Making threats of court and linking contact with the children with finances.
The only thing that had changed was the fact that I have a well paid job, my own house and it appears that she thinks she should be entitled to a share of my assets.
Throughout my partner has stood by their initial agreement which was definitely in her favour. I have never been involved with the divorce except seeking support and advise on here.
Finally after several thousand pounds of solicitors fees she has agreed to stand by the original agreement.
The last two years have been really stressful and truthfully if I had realised how hard it was going to be I would have walked away and said see you when its all over!!
All you can do is stand back and support your new partner without becoming involved.
There is a lot in that phrase. Of course you are entitled to be happy but that must come from within and not from someone else.
Be very careful here. You know where he is emotionally and it sounds like there will be some very stressful times coming up.
You know he will choose his kids first if he has to. Every time. If he folds and walks on his kids then he is not worth having. My counsel here would be to go very slowly. Let him get divorced. Let his kids get used to the new normal. Be very casual in your relationship. Wait. If this relationship is really that great then it is worth waiting for.
It does not sound like he is truly available yet. It''s too early for him and perhaps he does not realise this. So be the smart one, the wise one. Support him in getting divorced and getting his affairs settled. Be ready for the whipsaw of crazy emotions.
I was just out for a run and was thinking about your post and my reply.
Your post really touched me because I am that man. Three kids and separated but not yet divorced. Also, I briefly dated a woman who wanted me badly. She was lovely.
Ultimately, she wanted way more than I could give and we had to stop. What would have worked, for me, was if she had said "take your time. I''ll take whatever you have for me. Take care of yourself and your children first. There will be time for us later." This would have been great. Then I could have sorted out myself emotionally and proceeded when ready.
Anyway, my situation is not yours. But it sounds kind of similar. Just know that you two are coming from a different place right now. Also know that there are literally millions of men out there. If this one isn''t ready or really available to you then go get a different one!