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  • Camelia
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29 Apr 12 #327309 by Camelia
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If the children were interviewed and said they had been subject to abuse, verbal or physical, I would have expected those children to be involved with Children''s Services to some degree. I find this highly unusual.

If you were aware the children were being subject to such abuse, you should have taken them to a place of safety and taken the appropriate legal steps to ensure you obtained residence.

All this im afraid is with the benefit of hindsight and I am quite astonished you were not more pro-active in protecting your children. There were/are steps you could take, there is absolutely no excuse for not doing so.

I expect to be reprimanded by the Mods but if what Palermo is saying is true, then there are serious safeguarding issues for this family.
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29 Apr 12 #327313 by Palermo
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I said the kids were interviewed, I did not say they admitted to being abused. They wouldn''t do anything that could get their mother into trouble. They won''t even tell on each other.
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29 Apr 12 #327317 by Camelia
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However you knew they were and as I said, there is no excuse for not removing them to a place of safety and taking affirmative action to prevent further abuse. You are the adult here and you have a duty to protect your children using whatever recourse is/was available.

Children''s services do get things wrong, I am fully aware of that, however you could have provided them a safe haven. From you own admission, you didn''t do that.

It appears to me that if you aren''t going to take appropriate action in such a serious situation as child abuse, its unlikely you are going to apply for residence for your children. However you are keen to explore the options for getting the equity from your house to move on and re-marry.

I would question your priorities here.

Fait accompli it seems.
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29 Apr 12 #327322 by Palermo
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I moved them to a place of safety as you call it once several years ago. I even called the police, the kids told them nothing so what else was I going to do, kidnap them?

My priorities are my kids. 80% of my life insurance goes to them. I can give them a better life in another country. I''m not on suicide watch but I know my limitations. I''m no use to them if I have breakdown and/or remain deeply unhappy.
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  • u6c00
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29 Apr 12 #327327 by u6c00
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Palermo, my situation is different of course, but I can relate to it in many ways.

I understand why you might have stayed with someone you didn''t really like. I myself did it, because I wasn''t ready to give up the children. I didn''t want to be someone who had brought a child into the world and made it so that they would grow up in a ''broken home''. That said, it obviously ended badly, but you won''t get judgement from me.

My ex made some extremely worrying comments to me, about not loving our children. I was so worried that walking away and accepting alternate weekends is just simply impossible. I immediately began looking into routes for shared residence after she made clear that she intended to keep the children with her.

I went to court in pursuit of a shared residence order, and I made clear that I wanted to see my son every week. This was agreed, with some limitations, but I knew that I had to accept whatever indignity was thrown at me, because making sure my son was loved was the most important thing. In order to make the weekly contact viable I had to give up my job. My boss was very supportive, but at the end of the day I simply couldn''t continue to work in the capacity that the job required with the contact arrangements as they were.

If I jump to your descriptions, you are in a similar position to me 3 months ago. You are irreconcilably separated. This sounds like it is for the best for the children and long-term for yourself. However keep in mind 2 things: your children''s needs come first, and your feelings towards your ex don''t matter any more. Hate her all you want, write letters, a diary, anything that lets you keep your feelings out of your children''s lives.

You don''t need to convince any of us what kind of person she is, we''ll never know. Try not to argue with the people here, it won''t get you anywhere, just make you more angry. It might help if you understood why some of your comments confuse other posters.

Your comments on wanting to remarry are impossible for us to empathise with. It seems your view on marriage is vastly different to mine, and it seems most other posters. To most, marriage is a means to an end: happiness or contentment with our lives. Marriage is neither necessary nor sufficient for enjoyment of one''s life. To view it otherwise risks treating your future partner as little other than a way of making you happy.

I can understand your frustrations with the court system, and the inherent bias that there appears to be in favour of women as primary carers of children. I also believed this was the case myself until I went through it. Whilst it is true that the system appears to favour mothers, my experience is that fathers who realistically ask for more contact tend to get it.

Your comments appear to be rather selfish. Perhaps this is simply our misreading them, but you have stated your life plans and dreams but not described how you believe the children will be affected. In my life I have met people from all sorts of families. I have met abuse victims, children of so-called ''nuclear'' families, children of amicably divorced parents and children of acrimoniously separated parents. I have found that many of their thought patterns relate to their upbringing. Every action of a parent has some nurture effect (positive or negative) on their child.

We often cannot predict the consequences our actions will have on our children. If you read my other posts you might see that I am struggling with trying to work that out myself. However, severe actions undoubtedly have severe effects on children. Leaving the country and not having any quality contact with your children for a matter of years will undoubtedly leave a lasting impression with your children.

Similarly, being looked after by a barely competent parent will leave lasting damage on a child''s psyche. It is for you to examine the situation and decide how you can best protect, support and nurture your children.

Your posts don''t convey that you have realistically thought about these issues, or really put yourself in the shoes of your children. For that reason it is difficult to empathise with your point of view.
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29 Apr 12 #327337 by Palermo
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I don''t need empathy. No one here knows my children or the sacrifices I have made. To some talk of leaving the country is abandoning your children. I didn''t walk out on them when they were two years old. I''m still here. Millions of parents have left their children in search of a better life all across the World. What of those in the military, they abandoned their children as well did they? What sort of life is abject poverty? What sort of future is that? It''s no future at all. And no you wouldn''t understand my view on marriage because you don''t follow the God that I follow. I''m not going to go from one bad situation to another. I''m not simple, I''m not naïve, I''m not 25 anymore. My brother has worked aboard for other a decade, his job is relocating people so finding work is an Absolute formality, leaving for work aboard isn’t some pipe dream it''s a reality. I am no good to my children if I''m bitter and unhappy and I will continue to be bitter and unhappy until I can start over. For the 3 years I am not here I can provide a platform to give them a better life for the rest of their days. I have not taken this decision lightly. They already know of my plans, they knew when I started University to that end 3 years ago.
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  • sexysadie
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30 Apr 12 #327367 by sexysadie
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u6c00''s post it spot on - I think he has explained very clearly why people are finding it so hard to understand your thinking.

I don''t think your analogy of people in the military holds water at all. Military staff aren''t permanently abroad; they do tours of duty and come back to base regularly. They also don''t knowingly leave their children with someone whom they believe is doing their children harm.

However good a financial platform you can provide for your children by working abroad, this cannot possibly compensate for the lack of your support in the meantime. Poverty isn''t fun, of course, but love is more important than money.

You want to go abroad to avoid what you describe as ''abject poverty''. However, in your thinking about the children''s housing needs long-term you are also don''t seem to take into account that if you force them to leave the house they may themselves spend the next few years in poverty - I don''t think you can rely on your ex just being put into a nice council house immediately as they are in pretty short supply.

What we find difficult is that you claim to be putting your children first but nothing you say you are doing reads that way to us. It feels as though you are finding ways to justify doing what you want independently of your family commitments by describing them to yourself and everyone else as being in the interests of the children.

It''s true that if you are bitter and unhappy you will not be of much use to the children, but can you only avoid this fate by leaving the country for several years? Wouldn''t it be fulfilling to you to be the primary carer of your children, while also working in a satisfying job here?

There was also something at the end of your last post that alarmed me. Three years ago you seem to have told your whole family, including your wife and your then young children, that you were about to embark on a long university course, after which you would leave them all, divorce your wife and live abroad. Since then you have continued to stay in the family home while you bring your plans to fruition. It''s not surprising your wife finds it hard to live with you and behave in a civil manner in these circumstances. It''s also not surprising that the children feel unable to speak against her to social services or the police - they know that in the long term they will be left with her whatever happens, because you have already told them that.

If you really want to do the best for your children, I urge you to change your plans and take them with you when you leave.

Best wishes,
Sadie
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