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  • u6c00
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30 Apr 12 #327370 by u6c00
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Thanks Sadie, your comments are also right on the nose.

Palermo, as I cannot empathise with your position, it means there is no possibility of me agreeing with your point of view, however valid. Additionally it seems that there is no likelihood of you agreeing with anyone else who has posted on this topic.

We have also deviated from the initial question of financial implications.

For these reasons I don''t think there is any value to my continuing to read or post to this thread.

Good luck with your situation. I hope it all gets resolved to your satisfaction, and I wish all the best to your children.
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30 Apr 12 #327389 by Palermo
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sexysadie wrote:
I don''t think your analogy of people in the military holds water at all. Military staff aren''t permanently abroad; they do tours of duty and come back to base regularly. They also don''t knowingly leave their children with someone whom they believe is doing their children harm.[/quote]

I''m not going to get custody.

You want to go abroad to avoid what you describe as ''abject poverty''. However, in your thinking about the children''s housing needs long-term you are also don''t seem to take into account that if you force them to leave the house they may themselves spend the next few years in poverty - I don''t think you can rely on your ex just being put into a nice council house immediately as they are in pretty short supply.

What we find difficult is that you claim to be putting your children first but nothing you say you are doing reads that way to us. It feels as though you are finding ways to justify doing what you want independently of your family commitments by describing them to yourself and everyone else as being in the interests of the children.

It''s true that if you are bitter and unhappy you will not be of much use to the children, but can you only avoid this fate by leaving the country for several years? Wouldn''t it be fulfilling to you to be the primary carer of your children, while also working in a satisfying job here?


Work is in short supply in this country and how am I going to get custody?

There was also something at the end of your last post that alarmed me. Three years ago you seem to have told your whole family, including your wife and your then young children, that you were about to embark on a long university course, after which you would leave them all, divorce your wife and live abroad.


I said I told of my plans to leave for work abroad. At the time she was happy to join me and you seem to be forgetting who the respondent is here.

Since then you have continued to stay in the family home while you bring your plans to fruition. It''s not surprising your wife finds it hard to live with you and behave in a civil manner in these circumstances. It''s also not surprising that the children feel unable to speak against her to social services or the police - they know that in the long term they will be left with her whatever happens, because you have already told them that.

If you really want to do the best for your children, I urge you to change your plans and take them with you when you leave.

Best wishes,
Sadie


Any incidents with social services were years before I went to University. Children don''t tell on their friends or each other and mine won''t tell on their mother.

I am not going to get custody. There are no grounds for getting custody, none. Shouting and swearing at the kids isn''t enough to take them off her. When they were physically abused they wouldn''t admit to it in front of the police.
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30 Apr 12 #327407 by sexysadie
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You say that both children have stated that they would prefer to live with you. At thirteen, your elder one''s views would certainly be taken into account, and courts don''t really like splitting children up.

There are quite a few fathers on this site who have ended up being parents with care of their children, and not all of them were main carers beforehand. Why have you given up before you even start?

Best wishes,
Sadie
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30 Apr 12 #327412 by Palermo
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I have been made aware of this and have spoken to my eldest about it. He can decide who he wants to live with me but I would only pursue custody if I could get custody of both children. Unless my solicitor is mistaken, I have very little chance of getting custody of both. As I said earlier I don''t want to split them up. While my eldest son is around he can protect his young brother, he will be his brother''s shield. I don''t trust her, I will never trust her. I don''t want my youngest to lose his brother and his father. If I take custody of my eldest son who do you think bears the brunt of her hair-trigger temper? Of course if my motives were financial as some of you suggest, I''d take custody of my eldest son. They have to remain together, it''s the only way they can get through this.
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  • Marshy_
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30 Apr 12 #327452 by Marshy_
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Blimey what a thread?

Hi palermo.

I think reading thru all this I dont think they would award custody to you. As: The kids wont dob there mother in and there are no physical signs of abuse. Of course there are plenty of cases where the man has custody of the kids. But usually only in cases where there is proof that the mother cannot (or wont) care for them because, a) is in prison, b) is a confirmed drug addict or alcoholic, c) has absconded and cannot be contacted for a very long time. A friend of mine, his son has custody of his kids. And he had to go thru hoops to get them. They were in fostering for a while. And he had a bad year where the courts kept trying to send the kids back to the mother everytime she came out of rehab. He won in the end. But it took a hell of a lot to persuade the judge to let him have his own kids full time. Of course the kids still see their mother. Contact centre. I am sure you will understand that this causes mayhem.

Courts always try and place the kids with Mum if they can. Even if say the mother gets released or goes to AA and or gets off the drugs she is using. Mum is always 1st port of call. Fathers are secondary. I think the best chance you have of getting your kids to live with you is the best option. And like others have said, if you move away, this chance reduces to almost zero.

Why cant you stay at home, bide your time and then branch out on your own once you have a decent job? Then you could just wait her out until the house gets repossed and you could then offer to look after the kids. That way you get the kids. You wont have custody. But its the next best thing.

The one problem with being a man is that we have the potential to earn money. And being that we can earn money means that when it comes to divying up the assets, we get less. As in like zero by the time that the costs for lawyers come out of it.

So you have some choices. C.
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  • greebobeebo
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30 Apr 12 #327456 by greebobeebo
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Having read this thread,my response is as follows:

How could you leave your kids in a situation like that?

How could you use your oldest son as a buffer for his brother?

As a father it''s your responsibility to do all that you can to make sure that your kids lives are as carefree as possible.

You are willing to ABANDON them for a job, you are willing to LEAVE them in a bad situation.

Your oldest son will grow to hate you no matter how much you sugar coat it. Your youngest son won''t know you in 5 years.

If I met a man with that attitude, ain''t no way I''d want him in my life!
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30 Apr 12 #327463 by Palermo
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Finally a man''s perspective! Thanks for reply. I don''t need or want a women''s perspective. I''m on the other side of the fence. It''s all well and good passing judgement when you know the courts will give you the kids even if you''re a junky or alcoholic and the house you didn''t pay for.

Job prospects are slim even for those with qualifications. My choices are I stay here 3 years after I graduate, until my youngest son will be 13 and thus old enough to decide who he wants to live with or I get settled in the country in which we''re going to spend the rest of their lives in. Are you saying if I leave even when he''s 13 because I live in another country I won''t get custody?
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