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New Here

  • Skizzy
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29 Apr 12 #327045 by Skizzy
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Hi, I''m new here. I don''t usually do forums & I have a hard time airing my problems in public (so to speak) but I know I need some kind of support from somewhere & this seems like a good place to start?

Just over a month ago, on my birthday, my husband of 10 years told me he''d found someone else & wanted a divorce. Our situation has been complicated for 4 years, but right up until a week before he dropped his bomb we had been talking about our future & looking at properties. His decision came completely out the blue & I don''t seem to be coping very well with it. I''m very isolated where I live & can go days/weeks without talking to anyone. I''m facing eviction as well & I don''t know where to turn or how to deal with the emotional side of things.

  • Canuck425
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29 Apr 12 #327048 by Canuck425
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On your birthday. Nice.

Of course you''re not coping well. But you need to know that he is months if not years ahead of you as far as thinking about the marriage ending. The person leaving has agonized over this for so long that they have typically planned it all out. To them, it is over. You, unfortunately, have to play catch up.

So, take care of your self first. This is new for most people. Think of yourself and make sure that everything you do is in your interests. If you have children, still take care of yourself first. It''s like on the airplane where you are told to put the oxygen mask on yourself and then the child. You need to be functioning and whole to proceed well.

In the short term you need to be eating well, sleeping well, exercising and staying hydrated. You''re in survival mode but it won''t be this way forever. Stay away from alcohol or drugs if you think those might be a problem. Now is not the time for that.

Get support. You need real people for support. Internet forums are useful, I think, but people crave connection and real people on the phone or in person are so important. If there is truly no one local then get a therapist. Quickly. But take the time to question the assumption that you are isolated and there is no one locally. When I needed support I would have sworn I had no friends. I was wrong. Very wrong. People stepped up in amazing ways. I had to be very specific though and ask repeatedly for support. It was worth it though.

Good luck. It''s early days for you. So many people have come before you in this journey. Use their experience too.

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29 Apr 12 #327095 by Skizzy
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Thanks for the reply Canuck

He says a switch went off in his brain, literally overnight, just happens that she agreed to go out with him at the same time, although he denies that has anything to do with us. I didn''t eat at all for the first 8 days, but I''ve got some food in now so I''m working on that. The isolation is partly due to location (I''m in the middle of nowhere), partly because he wrote my car off just before the split & partly because of my health. I have CFS (similar to ME) which worsens with stress. It''s a bit of a screwy situation.

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29 Apr 12 #327152 by Canuck425
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Don''t believe him. I''ve seen too many similar stories on this site. There is a pattern or script. Right now he''s in the selfish phase. He''s telling you what he thinks you want to hear "to be nice".

Take care of yourself first. Get support. Start reading the many books noted throughout this site. You''re going to need help to crawl out of this but you can do it.

Ultimately it doesn''t matter if the affair has been going on for months or if the switch just went off. Your marriage is over. Maybe you two can build a new one over time if you both want to and care enough. Maybe not. But there is no going back to the way it was.

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29 Apr 12 #327158 by Skizzy
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I appreciate that you''re just being straight with me but that last paragraph was kinda harsh. Maybe I''ve just had a rough day & feel a bit battered anyway. I overcame a fear & came here looking for a bit of support & to read that on a second post is making me wonder if I did the right thing?

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29 Apr 12 #327163 by Canuck425
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Well, remember that I don''t know you or your circumstances really. I just see such an overwhelming pattern that it is impossible to deny.

I do believe that the marriage you had is over. That doesn''t mean that you cannot take this tremendous opportunity to build something awesome. That is certainly what I am trying to do.

You''re just too soon into all of this though. It takes time to sort out and to do the work you need to move forward. It would be great if you can do that work with your husband. If you can look into each other''s eyes and pledge to build a new life together. It can be done. But my point was that it would be a brand new marriage. The one you had is over.

In my journey it feels like I had been asleep the last ten years and now I am awake. Now I am ready to live life with joy, passion and fun.

If I was harsh, I apologize. Not my intention. People here are pretty caring and ready to give support. There are some that are more harsh than me though ;).

Hang in there. You can do it.

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29 Apr 12 #327164 by Shezi
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Hi skizzy

Welcome to Wikivorce.

I can appreciate that forums are a new outlet for you - that''s how I felt when I first came here. It can be difficult when putting a post ''out there'' and not getting back what we wanted to hear - but that''s how forums work, I''m afraid. Canuck is being very supportive (as an example)... read your post, taken the time to reply to you (twice).

However, the replies may or may not be to your taste - but in deciding to share our situations, we have to take what comes back.

As a moderator, I will say to you that we don''t accept posts that break our terms and conditions or are generally unsupportive. A good tip in posting (especially responses to other posts) is to think twice about sending it if it''s a challenging one. Different people will view your situation differently and most of us write according to our own experience.

There is a lot of support here for you, should you want it. I think canuck was really just saying that it would be good for you to accept the fact of what your ex wants so that you can deal with it. It may be, though, that you''re not ready to accept it or that there is a chance of reconciliation?

Shezi

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