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  • mingmong
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04 May 12 #328296 by mingmong
Topic started by mingmong
Hello

Im 2 months into a separation, my wife has petitioned for divorce.

We have 2 great kids 6 and 11.
I moved out of the marital home and live a few streets away.

My wife of 8 yrs (this yr)told me she no longer loves me.
she has been feeling this way for 18 months or so and stayed with me for the kids sake.

We have existed as "house mates" durring this time but everything was ok ie in the bedroom dept etc.

However I failed to notice her pleas for attention to her, as im quite a heavy pc/ internet user (online video games)

i would prefer to be sat on this thing than take part in family activities.

Im a very selfish person, and I have taken my wife for granted.

I put a lot of personel debt onto the mortgage which she agreed, but then just before Christmas I was back to square one.

more debt, albeit manageable, I still found money for me and my thing and put our family last.

ok I provided an income and a house, but I failed to make it a home.

She says no one else is involved and I tend to believe her.
she has one failed marriage before me, which was violent.

I have lost he most wonderful family any man could have.

she wont have me back can you blame her??

we are talking and communicating great, I have the kids every other weekend.
child maintenence will be sorted out amicably.

Its just a sad situation which I deeply regret.

Im hurting really bad, I know its my fault but I somehow need to make amends for my actions she diddnt deserve this.

sorry for my ramble.

regards.

  • flowerofscotland
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04 May 12 #328307 by flowerofscotland
Reply from flowerofscotland
Hi mingmong,

Hello and welcome to Wiki. A place none of us ever dreamed we would come to, but nevertheless, one of great comfort, support and guidance during our troubled times.

You will find help to many of your questions during a difficult time in your life.

Firstly, you have to stop blaming yourself, none of us are perfect and yes we have all possibly taken our partners for granted at one time and another.

It takes two to work at a marriage, this is early days for you yet. Possibly with a change in attitude you can turn this around. If there is, as you say nobody else involved, get out of your shell and be the man she and the children need you to be.

Separation and divorce is not a place I would advocate, if there is the slightest chance that you can make this bad situation turn good then take it. If you truly love your wife and family, get up and fight for them. Try not to pity yourself and make a change. Change, we all can, put your game console down and go out there and prove to her that you will do it, you will get back on your feet and fight to keep your family together. Do not throw in the towel and give up if there is a chance that this can be resolved.

Take care for now FoS x

  • Canuck425
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04 May 12 #328313 by Canuck425
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I know its my fault but I somehow need to make amends for my actions she diddnt deserve this.


Don''t be so quick to take all the blame here. It is very good and healthy to examine your role in getting your marriage to this point. To learn from your mistakes and to grow. That''s really good stuff that a lot of men don''t dig into. However, she needs to do the same thing. I cannot believe this is all you. Nope.

If you want to make amends and make the marriage work then you both need to. There are lots of sites that you can read about winning her back. Go for it. Stop being so sorry for yourself and start being attractive. How do you do that? Invest in you, focus on you, be the best you can be. That''s the place to start. Once you love you then you can love others and that is a very attractive quality!

Good luck!

  • sillywoman
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04 May 12 #328314 by sillywoman
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Well done for taking responsibility.

Addictions are so so easy to fall into - any kind to be honest. I used to be addicted to the phone, phoning friends, friends phoning me, so when my girls are around now I take the phone out of the socket.

Write your wife a letter, explain you will get help, ask her to get help with you, don''t lose the woman you love!!!!

  • dukey
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04 May 12 #328335 by dukey
Reply from dukey
Accepting you have a problem is actually very positive, and your both talking which is also very good, have you thought of using relate to help, or any marriage guidance counseling, you obviously love your wife and kids and want to keep the family together, your going to need help so find what you can, if the two big problems are gaming and debt, well lets just say in this day and age both are common and help is out there.

Probably what is mots important for now is to keep the lines of communication open, talk write email send a pigeon, but listen to what she has to say, find out how she feels, only then can you start to fix this.

The vast majority of us on Wiki are divorced or divorcing, i can promise none of us would like you to join us, the very best of luck to you and your family.

  • mingmong
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04 May 12 #328359 by mingmong
Reply from mingmong
Hi thanks for the welcome and replys thus far.
she wont go to councelling her mind is made we are to divorce.
she pettitioned last week.

I have moved into her property,(we rented this out as extra income)
this is mortgage free.
we are to port the existing mortgage from the marital home (solely in my name)
to this property which I am in.

this will make the marital home mortgage free.

Her and the kids are settled there.
I have £15,000 extra capital in the house im in.

she doesnt want it.
she wants nothing only to be with the kids.
She wants nothing financial from me apart from weekly payments for the children outside of CSA.

I have hurt her bad.
we have agreed the children sharing and all is good.
She is very strong and I respect her.
I Didnt want to listen when she so desparately tried to save us 18 months ago.

I seemed to have been in my own world not listening to her.

Everytime I hurt her the love faded away she said.

I really want this to work,I have begged her and asked her to try she says she doesnt want to anymore.

I cant force her to love me, im prepared to let her go so she can be happy, if she is happy the kids are happy.

Im desparate.

Deep down I know my flaws I can sort them,
I can make our family strong again, but i know she wont able to trust me with money.

  • sun flower
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04 May 12 #328363 by sun flower
Reply from sun flower
Gosh you are honest.

There are families I know who have separated but have remained friends (as long as there was not a third party in the split up.) Maybe this is the compromise you have to aim for. That your marriage has broken - but if a friendship can be salvaged in the long run that would be better for your children - and you and your wife.

In the meantime I would continue to address you addictive habits - or you may find yourself unable to sustain another relationship and your children may not respect you either (to say nothing of the sort of role model you might be.)

This may mean going to counselling and looking at what in your life you are avoiding when gaming.

You may not be able to save your marriage now (and I wish you could) but you might be able to save yourself, your relationship with your kids, and actually your family if you can maintain a friendship with your wife.

Good luck, it won''t be easy - but I really think perhaps if you want to do this, you can.

Take good care of yourself. Remember your kids need you.

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