Hi. I am hoping to get some perspective on my situation.
My husband and I have been together nine years, married for three and have a son under two. We both have full time jobs.
My husband has a condition that affects him physically and mentally, he’s had it approximately eight years. It is cyclical and when bad can affect him for two years, then he might be relatively well for a year or two.
Five years ago we split up due to the pressure I am under when he is ill. It’s not him being ill but how he copes with it that is the problem. I am his only support, no one helps and I get no respite. Anyway, we split when he was well, he coped, he understood the problems, we worked hard and got back together stronger than ever, he would never let his condition overtake his life again, we married, life was good.
He got ill again. This started whilst I was pregnant and went on for eighteen months. In short, he became very selfish with his time, cared only for his own needs, ignored myself and my son, spent money we didn’t have and did absolutely nothing around the house. This is whilst I am coping with planning a birth, then a new baby, returning to work full time, sole care of our son whilst doing a four hour a day commute, cooking, cleaning, laundry….
Things came to a head when my back went, I was flat on my back for a week. I think he then realised how little he had been doing. He’s been trying since. We’ve spoken about how bad it has been and how badly I feel about our future. He is very sorry.
We’ve been to couples counselling, after two sessions the counsellor told us there was no point returning until we had a set goal to achieve as we are great parents but a crap couple.
He has promised that he will never let his illness get in the way of our relationship or indeed his life again.
As far as I can see my options are: to trust that this will never happen again; to know it will happen again and just live with the consequence associated with that or we split. I am petrified of this whole cycle happening again, I don’t know if I can do it again. I am so sad and lost. I am finding it hard to think straight as no answer seems to be putting my mind at rest.
Any input gratefully received.