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Another Newbie

  • mulberrygirl
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10 May 12 #329720 by mulberrygirl
Topic started by mulberrygirl
Hello, I just wanted to say hello to those who will know what I am feeling at the moment. I found out last Hallowe''en thanks to his mistress that my husband had been cheating on me for just under 3 years, we had been together for 21 and married for 17. He denies he is still with her but he works abroad and its easy for him to fly to LHR and go and see her in Surrey without me knowing. He even ''entertained'' her while we lived abroad, just booking into a hotel at Christmas and telling me he was away with work. He even used his father''s terminal illness as an excuse to come back to the UK and spend time with her, even going to a fancy dress party!

I never saw it coming. Our relationship wasn''t the best and i thought about divorce many times but he would never talk about it, he obviously preferred to run away and set up a new, fantasy life with the older woman - divorced herself & a mother of 3! She is a right mutton dressed as lamb too. He has spent so mucn money on her, more than me, probably just to keep her happy and not suspect. She denied she knew he was married and thought I was his cousin after a little holiday in HK with him.
I feel so let down as I gave up my career for him but things are getting better after an awful Christmas and start of the year, where I had never, ever felt so low that all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and wait for it to all go away. I have got myself a decent job but and I am getting counselling and I have a fantastic brother and best friend who have been so patient. But I miss the contact I had. He wasn''t experienced with women & I had only had a couple of boyfriends before we got together. Now he is a total stranger, a nasty selfish person who I hope one day is on the receiving end of what he has dealt to me. I know that woman will continue to bleed him dry.
I just want this all over with, the Nisi is being pronounced on the 17/5/2012 and I feel so sad. My solicitor is costing me a fortune due to my husband''s glaring gaps on his financial statement.
To be told that your husband no longer fancies you after you have hit the gym and lost lots of weight and would prefer to be with a fake past it blonde that is carrying some extra hurts. Since I found out I have lost a further 3 stone, when will I start to feel better? I am so fearful of the future, everything I hoped for has been shattered due to someone else''s selfishness. Sorry for the ramble. :(

  • DShift
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10 May 12 #329723 by DShift
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Thanks for posting and putting yourself out there. Brave of you to do so. It sounds like you are going through a tough time.Is the counseling not helping?

When I went through my divorce I found that counseling didnt really work for me, but i suppose we are all different.

What are you fearful of?

Why would you want his attention when he did what he did??

All i can say is that things do get better....things that helped me was to read good books, pro-active healing to release the pain that went in 6 weeks...

So many things you can do to feel better and to move on quickly so you dont have to carry the pain around you any more...

Let me know if any of this resonates?

Hugs
D

  • Crumpled
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10 May 12 #329724 by Crumpled
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Hi Mulberry girl first of all i am so sorry you have to be on this site but there are a lot of us and we can all support each other.
You could have almost be writing about my stbx .
You sound like you are doing all of the right things but it is heartbreaking to find the person you relied and trusted so much in the world has treated you in this way and you truly do not deserve it.
Please stay strong and if you want to scream and rant do it here we will all be here to support you.............

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10 May 12 #329726 by pixy
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Mulberry girl, he doesn''t fancy her because she is physically more attractive than you. He is almost certainly desperately unhappy in himself, mid life crisis or whatever you want to call it, and instead of analyzing why this is he thinks that a new relationship will sort things out. It won''t. The grass is never greener.

Stay strong and look after yourself.

  • yellowrose
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10 May 12 #329730 by yellowrose
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I think so many of us can really feel where you are, have been and have yet to go. It really is hard but we will all listen to you rant, or cry,or whatever, whenever the need takes you.

It sounds as if things are happening very quickly for you. Are you sure you are ready to make these huge decisions. My solicitor - who I also paid a fortune to because of his obstructive behaviour (and his slags affronted rantings because I named her!!!)before I called ahalt to proceedings advised me I shouldn''t make any decisions until I felt emotionally able to. He has bullied and intimidated me but I have become stronger (albeit not constantly).

I lost four stone. Have saved thousands by asking my solicitor not to do anything (except Decree Nisi but only so he can''t cross Petition on grounds of unreasonable behaviour).

Don''t be rushed

As hard as it is, accept that this is not the man you thought you knew

NEVER blame yourself despite what he tries to convince you of

And most importantly be kind to yurself - you deserve it.

I''m sorry any of us is here - it''s a harsh world.

xxxxxxx

  • Canuck425
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10 May 12 #329756 by Canuck425
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One thing you wrote I disagreed with.

everything I hoped for has been shattered due to someone else''s selfishness

This likely isn''t true although I guess it depends what you hoped for. Can you try to go a bit higher level in that view? The future is not yet written and you certainly can have a life full of joy, passion and happiness. It''s up to you.

  • flowerofscotland
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10 May 12 #329855 by flowerofscotland
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Hi mulberrygirl,

Hello and a very warm welcome to Wiki. A place that none of us ever imagined existed, let alone would become part of. It is a sanctuary of common sense advice as well as every bit the safe haven of comfort and support during a harrowing time in our lives.

I have to say, and please do not take me the wrong way, but like so many of us did you have a case of burying your head in the sand? You make reference to women bleeding him dry? Did you turn a blind eye, possibly because of your own lifestyle? Correct me if I am wrong, for I do understand this, not because of my own experiences, quite the opposite, but I am surrounded by women who take the "well what I don''t know doesn''t hurt me" approach. I live in a city where it is rife, husbands working away and playing away from home, a place where money is no object. So I see it all the time, until one day, after years of ignoring what has really been going on, the shock and the trauma kick in when the husband (or wife''s) affair become common knowledge.

I think firstly you have to commend yourself for having stayed with him for so long, regardless of why you find yourself where you are, you have to remember that adultery is not acceptable, it is deceit, that is the long and the short of it. Forget the OW, she is and always will be a flash in the pan, a one hit wonder who will certainly be dumped like a hot brick at the first opportunity. She is just a symptom of his own selfish needs. Now that he has been exposed for what he really is, the novelty will wear off and she will not be seen for dust. To her, he is just a meal ticket. How many men might she have had on the go. If she was only seeing your husband now and then, was he one of half a dozen?

Do not focus on him or her. What will be will be. Let them him go and find his green green grass, only to discover that it is a muddy shade of sh!t. What you will hear on Wiki is that you must look after yourself and if you are losing weight like you say, stop right now. Take exercise for the right reasons, eat little and often, soup, yoghurt and smoothies will see you through. But, most of all do not dwell too much on the door that has just closed, look firmly ahead and see the new door that is opening for you now.

What do you really miss? Now that is a question? Is it him, for all his cheating, lies and down right disrespect that you miss or is it that you just miss the thought of being with A N Other?

It takes time and a lot of TLC to come to terms with the ending of a relationship, regardless of it being brilliant or indifferent. Do not be hard on yourself, take the time to grieve and then focus on healing and in time the rest will fall into place.

Take care for now FoS x

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