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Hi everyone

  • ConfusedDad
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10 May 12 #329851 by ConfusedDad
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Hi everyone, I only came across the site the other day and have been reading some of the posts and blogs...It''s very reassuring to know that there are others, many others, who have been through or are going through similar things to me.

My wife (married 3 years, together 9) left me in Jan 2012. She cheated on me with a work colleague and although she told that things weren''t right before Christmas left it to me to uncover her affair from text messages in Jan. She then lied (i think that is a theme here) and said it was just sex and that she wanted to be on her own.... She went to stay at a friends and then got a flat... It wasn''t until March that I got out of her that she was still seeing the guy she cheated on me with. To be honest it made everything feel better, better to feel you''ve been left for someone else than no one.

There are many things I can''t get my head round although I''m already finding things slightly easier (some days)... We have a little girl who''s nearly 3 and my wife had always been so maternal but in Sept I gave up work to be a full time dad (we weren''t happy with her being in nursery so much, I hated my job and my wife felt she needed to go back full time). Ever since then I''d felt a change, I can''t put my finger on it but it felt like she was less involved with the family and cared more about work. However we talked about having another child, even moving away and this was in Nov, so when she dropped the bomb in Dec I was totally shocked... to be honest still am.

We had been together when we were 17/18 for about 10 months and I went to Uni and dumped her but she kept those feelings and a chance meeting in 2003 brought us back together. Thing is I was getting over someone else and wasn''t really that interested but we got together anyway and she became my best friend/girlfriend. We moved in together almost straight away but I always felt that spark for me was missing, I really did wish that I could get it back but realised I loved her regardless and it was just something that I would never have. This was the reason she left, because I wasn''t affectionate enough with her, and I wasn''t, I know that, although everything was great (and even she says it was) but now that she''s gone I have the feelings I could only wish for before. The thing is I can''t find anything I didn''t like about our relationship, we were so close and now I feel we could be completely happy except for the fact that she is now not in love with me...oh the irony! We are getting on ok but that''s because I''m not getting angry, because I can empathise with her in some ways... I wish she''s talked to me but I think it probably came out of the blue for her but once it happened she couldn''t close off the feeling and the relaisation that this was what she had been missing....

The weird thing is as I write this I''m feeling ok, but the lows have been staggering, also the emotional changes from low to high to low I find just so strange... I now live in our house, we are sharing our daughter 50/50 and I have a job and I feel from where were in Jan this is a massive positive but I just can''t let go and can''t believe it''s really over. Knowing that this isn''t what I wanted from my daughter brings me to tears and to be honest just thinking about out past does to... I know it gets better but it feels so wrong and I just want her to realise that the grass isn’t greener and now I''ve realised how much I am in love with her it would be worth a shot. I know this will never happen while she''s with him but I don''t want to give up....

Sorry about the long post but felt it was needed to set the scene...

  • Sunshine10
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10 May 12 #329854 by Sunshine10
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Hi, welcome to this site, you will find lots of support and encouragement here.
I read your post and I felt truly sad. Are you sure there is no retrieving the situation? Have you told her how you feel?

I''m guessing that you are both still relatively young and obviously your child would not remember any of this. So if you feel there is a chance, perhaps you should tell her how you feel.

The way you write, perhaps there is the chance you could both wipe the slate clean and start again. Sorry if I am being a hopeless romantic...

I would say though that you absolutely cannot make her think or feel or see things differently. She has to do that herself.

Whatever else happens with both of you, keep thinking about your daughter, she is the most important in all of this.

  • ConfusedDad
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10 May 12 #329874 by ConfusedDad
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Thanks, she does know how I feel, I''ve written letters, told her in person, on the phone etc... I would do anything but she is infactuated with this guy and nothing I can say or do will change that. As you rightly point out she has to get there on her own...

I guess I feel it''s so sad that I now feel the way I always should and she''s the one who now doesn''t... The romantic in me tells me that next time we''ll both be in the right place and it will work out...

  • Marshy_
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11 May 12 #329922 by Marshy_
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Hiya CD

ConfusedDad wrote:

but now that she''s gone I have the feelings I could only wish for before. The thing is I can''t find anything I didn''t like about our relationship, we were so close and now I feel we could be completely happy except for the fact that she is now not in love with me...oh the irony!

And here is the rub. And this post of mine kinda relates to your other post about reconciliation.

What tends to happen is that when we get dumped, we as if by magic want that person more and suddenly, all the feelings we thought we had get magnified. You mentioned that you dumped her to goto Uni and she will still pining for you. I suspect that she was due to the same reason.

Far from you not being affectionate enough what may have happened is that her feelings for you that she had when you got together has just run out. This could be why she upped and went so quickly. It could also be that she was having affairs on and off for a while. I am sorry if this upsets you me saying this. But this sort of thing happens a lot.

Say for instance that she came back to you. All would be great for a while. And then the doubts would set in. The affection you feel right now would wane. And I reckon that she would do this to you again. Once we step over a line. Its much easier to do it again.

Lastly. When people have affairs, they cannot be to blame for this. So they blame shift this to someone else. And that someone else is you. You have taken the blame. And I dont think thats fair. Having an affair is not a cry for help. Or something that just happens to yr knicker elastic. People enter it knowing what they are doing and usualy they dont care about the consequences. As long as they dont get caught mind. C.

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11 May 12 #330055 by ConfusedDad
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You coudl be right, perhaps he feelings for me did just run out, but then I didn''t do what was required to keep them alive. Love can''t exist in a vacuum, as not doubt I''ll be finding out!

I think we''re both to blame and neither of us are at the same time. I didn''t feel the right way about her which caused her to fall for someone who does, neither of us wanted these things to be this way and neither of us were able to change them. I know no one forced her to have an affair but I think his interest made her feel that me and her was just too wrong.

I know it sounds like I''m sticking up for her, and I suppose I am in a way, because as hurt as I am I still feel able to empathise with how she was feeling...but paradoxically I also find it very hard to understand how she could leave so quickly and seemingly without much thought and tear our family and life apart.

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