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Anger management

  • Sam72
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16 May 12 #331022 by Sam72
Topic started by Sam72
Any advice on managing my anger and resentment?
During relate counselling today,it became apparent that I am really quite angry with my wife. I am angry she had an affair. I am angry she chose not to talk to me about how unhappy she was.I am angry she wants to end our marriage. I am angry she is going to break up our family and I am angry she wants me to move out of our house.
I understand that I have been a contributory factor in all of this but nonetheless I am peed off.
I thought I was relatively calm about it until I re-read some of my older posts. Friends and family say how calm I am but the counsellor noted that I was displaying a passive anger.
How have you dealt with the anger?, particularly if you were the dumped one who had no clue. How have you successfully turned your unhealthy anger into healthy anger that powers you to make changes for the best? And there I was thinking I was dealing with this so well.
Cheers for listening.

  • Canuck425
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17 May 12 #331045 by Canuck425
Reply from Canuck425
It''s ok to be angry you just need to find an appropriate outlet. Don''t use your stbx to direct your anger at, that''s useless. I would hit a pillow or scream in the car. I hear marathon training works as well.

I have noticed though that often anger is a mask for sadness, especially in men. It''s acceptable for men to be angry but sad is a different story. Think about this. Could you be sad, you certainly have reason to be. Have you recognized that sadness. Taken the time to feel it? See if you can look into yourself.

  • raybird
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17 May 12 #331056 by raybird
Reply from raybird
by keeping myself busy, extremley busy, taking the dog out for long walks, playing music really loud, i did go through a phrase of throwng stuff, which wasnt good, only have to replace it all :ohmy:

  • hawaythelads
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17 May 12 #331074 by hawaythelads
Reply from hawaythelads
I''d think you would need your head testing more if you weren''t angry and resentful.
Oh yeah Dr headshrink my misus is fecking some other geezer I''m gonna lose living with my kids and get shafted out of 75 per cent of all my wordly goods.
My kids will be living with the prix she had an affair with.

How do you feel about that

A that''s absolutely fine.because in pc wiki world the opposite to hate is indifference so I mustn''t been seen to have any emotions.

B fecking extremely angry and resentful and pxssed off that a couple of adulterous feckers get to deconstruct my life.and I have to fecking pay them for the privilege.

This is just like a relationship quiz in Jackie innit?

All the best

  • riseandshine
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17 May 12 #331088 by riseandshine
Reply from riseandshine
The mature answer...
I have found (individual) counselling helpful. It''s possible to work out exactly what is making you angry, get that anger validated (exactly as HRH has done above!), think about whether the anger is helping or harming you and/or any kids and/or the situation, identify triggers, work out ways to express safely, etc. I still feel extremely angry but I''m now directing less of it inwards, and now feel a bit more in control, even when I lose my temper.

The less mature answer...
Play-doh! Made a huge batch for the kids. When they''d done with it and were watching TV, I moulded a rough face of OW (not rough enough to be realistic, obviously), and gave it a good battering. Then reformed and did STBX. Needs to be a big batch to be satisfying though, and so you don''t hurt your fist on the table underneath ;)

  • Fiona
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17 May 12 #331157 by Fiona
Reply from Fiona
There''s nothing wrong with being angry, it''s how people deal with it that can be a problem. The natural way express anger is to respond aggressively to defend ourselves when attacked. However, laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us and we can''t lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us. Expressing angry feelings in an assertive rather than aggressive manner is the healthiest way to express anger - making clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn''t mean being pushy or demanding or disrespectful of others.

Passive aggression is when anger isn''t expressed outwardly and the aggression is directed inwardly. The personality seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments (or getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) are usually unhappy and cannot resolve issues constructively because they alienate others. Unless the vicious cycle can be broken that in turn leads to more anger, passive aggression and unhappiness. :(

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