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divorce after 37 years

  • monmouthshire
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20 May 12 #331797 by monmouthshire
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my husband left me after 37 years together for a woman of 36. I can''t seem to accept its all over -my head says one thing and my heart another. i know time is a big healer but how do I get through this. Do I try to communicate with him even though it hurts or do I press on with the divorce and wash my hands of him. He says he is fond of me-like a maiden aunt.

  • sun flower
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20 May 12 #331800 by sun flower
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What a horrible thing to say!

I would normally write loads but I''m not feeling too well - but can I recommend a book Runnaway Husbands by Vikki Stark. It won''t take away the pain - but it may help you deal with the madness.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is one of the worst things, like a bereavement, but in some cases worse.

I''ll add more soon. Meanwhile, try to eat small things, reach out to friends and family, you will need support - and take care.

Well done for finding us. The people on wiki are a tower of strength in so many ways.

Hang on. SC

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20 May 12 #331804 by Action
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I''d like to reinforce what a brilliant book ''Runaway husbands'' is. Do try to get a copy and I promise that you will think that bits of it have been written especially for you.

I would have been married 33 years this year so I can empathise with the devastation you feel. I too had the ''I''ll always love you'' claim - it''s usually a guilt thing and not uncommon.

First thing is it''s great that you''ve found this site, second is to look after yourself, get as much support from friends and family as you can and don''t be rushed into making decisions that will affect the rest of your life until you feel ready.

Baby steps. It will get easier but, sadly, not overnight.

  • Crumpled
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20 May 12 #331812 by Crumpled
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Hi monmouthshire
first of all let me say how sorry i am that you find yourself on here but also that you have come to the right place as you will get so much help and support from the others on here who truly understand what you are going through
Like you my husband is having an affair after 30 years together so i understand the shock and grief you must be feeling.
What you need to do at the moment is to concentrate on yourself i know that is much easier said than done make sure that you eat and if necessary see your gp i hate pills but was given antidepressants which may sound scary but i stayed on them for about six months and then took myself off them but they did help me through the worst bit...it may also be worthwhile to arrange some counselling i thought counselling was all airy fairy stuff but my counsellor has been worth her weight in gold so would highly recommend it but make sure you get a good one.
i think it is absolutely awful what you OH said to you but that is not uncommon they also like to rewrite the history of your marriage as well so do not be surprised.
the book runaway husbands is very good so would recommend it as well
i am about a year down the line than you so things do get better just slowly
please try and stay strong

  • Canuck425
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20 May 12 #331840 by Canuck425
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I have a few thoughts here. One is to slow down. Take a deep breath. It sounds like this is pretty fresh so you cannot have a full picture of what is going on.

You do need to know that the leaver is months or years ahead of the person being left. They have had loads of time to think this through and to gather the courage to actually leave what they have considered a dead marriage for some time. So you have some catching up to do.

Often, it is the appearance of another woman or man that accelerates the leaving. Then the live in what I call the "affair bubble". This is a place where everything is amazing. Life has never felt so good and they have never been so happy. The bubble will pop, it always does, and you don''t know what will happen when it does.

So here is some advice I recently typed for another post. Sadly, new people come on here so often I have copied it to a document so I can repost.

*****

1. Get support. I talked to a LOT of people but I was very careful who I told what to. Most people were so ready to support me which was awesome but the ones that knew both of us really didn''t want to get into the details. I was very specific with the kind of support I needed from different individuals. From some I needed to have a laugh. From others I needed them to listen. From others still I needed their opinion. Others I needed them to feed me. etc.

2. Get away. As soon as I was healthy enough I went away on a trip to the sun. Soon after that I went away again to visit family and childhood friends. This was very, very good. Just get away for a few days even. Get some space.

3. Don''t beg, it is as pathetic as it sounds. I had a few bad moments when I was begging her to reconsider. It was pathetic. When she was in the "fantasy bubble" as I like to call it there is no reason that will be considered. You have to realise at that moment, in their minds, everything is going to be amazing. They''ve never been this happy. Never. So let it go. The fantasy will wear off eventually and then you can see where you are.

4. Take care of you. This is the biggest one. Be kind and patient with yourself. Put yourself first. Really first. Not your children, but you. It''s like on the airplane when they say put the oxygen mask on you first. You have to take care of you then you will be fit enough to take care of your daughter. This will take time and a lot of hard work. It''s worth it. Why? Because you''re worth it. You. Can you commit to taking care of you?

5. Know that you''ll be more than ok. You''ll be awesome. Honest. The future is not yet written and you have a huge hand in it. The best path forward is making your life great.

You''re in the early days but know that many have come before you. Your story is not unique. In fact, the more I hang out here, the more the stories are all so sickeningly similar.

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20 May 12 #331846 by yellowrose
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Hi there and welcome.

Like many others I am in the same place as you - 33years together, no idea anything wrong, affair with a younger woman etc etc.

Canuck has given you some very good advice but you won''t find it easy to follow.

You will be up and down like a yo-yo. YOu will cry. You will not want to go on. You will have moments when you think I won''t let the b....ard ruin my life. You will collapse with grief. You wil.......

I won''t go on. Everything you feel is absolutely normal and it will take a long time to even begin to want to move on, but slowly things will get better. Be patient. Try and look after yourself - it will be hard. Use friends and family as if your life depended on them and yes counselling and anti-depressants should be considered sooner rather than later.

None of us knows what is around the corner. This is one of the worst things because it is done to you by someone you thought you knew. Putting a pistol to your head wouldn''t be any more alien than this is. But the wonderful people on here wil be with you every step of the way. Please use them.

Lots of love. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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20 May 12 #331852 by Dees
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As another 33 yearer, bolt out of the blue person I was going to post but Canuk and Yellow Rose have said it all.

I send my love to you and only this... don''t underestimate the power of this forum. Even if you don''t post anything just reading helps, it makes you feel normal even when you feel absolutely the opposite, when you feel like you are the only one, when you feel like no-one could possibly know how bad you feel, come here, it helps.

You will get through this, no it won''t be easy but you can do it, use the help available and you can.


Dees ((()))

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