A well respected, award winning social enterprise
Volunteer run - Government and charity funded
We help 50,000 people a year through divorce

01202 805020

Lines open: Monday to Friday 9am-5pm
Call for FREE expert advice & service info

What are we each entitled to in our divorce settlement?

What does the law say about how to split the house, how to share pensions and other assets, and how much maintenance is payable.

What steps can we take to reach a fair agreement?

The four basic steps to reaching an agreement on divorce finances are: disclosure, getting advice, negotiating and implementing a Consent Order.

What is a Consent Order and why do we need one?

A Consent Order is a legally binding document that finalises a divorcing couple's agreement on property, pensions and other assets.

Do you need help sorting out a fair financial settlement?

Our consultant service offers expert advice and support to help you reach agreement on a fair financial settlement quickly, and for less than a quarter of the cost of using a traditional high street solicitor.

I''m screwed

  • Sam72
  • Sam72's Avatar Posted by
  • Premium Member
  • Premium Member
27 May 12 #333349 by Sam72
Topic started by Sam72
Please forget all my previous posts. I''m not doing well, I''m really not doing well.
To fill you in, she announced in 2010, that our marriage should end. It has since come out, jan of this year that she had had a year long affair. This month, we told our boys we were splitting up, she has now put deposit on new house and will be in within a month I reckon.
My stbx is like a young girl, full of the joys of spring excited by her new life. I am petrified by mine.
Texts from her best mate constantly espouse how she''s making the right decision, how much happier she''s going to be and how exciting this new period of her life will be.
Me, I''m definitely stuck in the past, reflecting on all the mistakes I made and wishing all the time things were different and that she still loved me.
But then I think, I can''t love someone who had an affair.
I am so messed up, I think I am suffering depression and it''s only going to get worse as she moves my boys and herself out of our home and out of my life. Well not out of my life but less in my life than they are now.
I really don''t know what to do.
I know she''s going to ask me to help with the move and I just feel like saying f&&k off, I''m not helping you to ruin my life, I''m not going to support you in wrecking our family.
God, I''m screwed.
How am I going to get through this?!?

  • afonleas
  • afonleas's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
27 May 12 #333352 by afonleas
Reply from afonleas
yes you r in a bad place tonite,but u answered your own questions about wanting to be with someone who has had an affair the truth is they don''t deserve to bewith us.
We all have bad times and r frightened about the future but surely us innocents deserve more,you will always be dad to your children and their love is unconditional so try to put all your energies into them,in my case he thought the grass was greener but it was a boggy marsh but his problem not mine.
I like you r unsure of future but surely we can r entitled to live a life without lies and deception and personally i would rather walk this road alone than share it with a lying ***** u r worth more than her so be proud of yourself and love yourself try to get some sleep cos tomorrow another day,always here to help each other chin up

  • Lostboy67
  • Lostboy67's Avatar
  • Moderator
  • Moderator
27 May 12 #333353 by Lostboy67
Reply from Lostboy67
Sam72 wrote:

I am so messed up, I think I am suffering depression

How am I going to get through this?!?

Hi Sam,
OK I''ll offer what advice I can...
If you think you are suffering from depression then there really is a good chance that you are. A lot of us on wiki have been through this....more than you would think.
I''ll hold up my hand on this one and say that I did suffer from depression, I thought I was doing OK, but over a couple of days I pretty much went into complete meltdown (See my old post on that subject).

Depression is a very emotive illness and its not easy to reach out and get help, but you can be sure that help isn''t going to find you, its only you that can seek out that help.
Your friends and family will probably give you the ''pull yourself togehter'' lesson in psycotherapy but every study shows that this approach is cr@p.

I would really advise you to go and see your GP.

Please PM me if you feel the need


  • afonleas
  • afonleas's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
27 May 12 #333354 by afonleas
Reply from afonleas
Sam as Lost boy has said if u really feel that u r suffering from depression u really do need to c your gp,I work within a mental health unit so i know that help is available,when my ex left i went to my gp and was given something to help me even havin a proper sleep helps so maybe just something like that will help.
All of us on here kno the despair and hurt u r suffering like u said she appears very happy but i''m a strong believer in karma so what goes around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes your life is cr p at the minute but everyday we get stronger and wiser there is anew life out there for u when u r ready to find it.All here to help you and if u want to pm please feel free any help and support i can give would be a pleasure cheers

  • Canuck425
  • Canuck425's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
28 May 12 #333361 by Canuck425
Reply from Canuck425
Get Help!!! Go see your GP or whoever you need to and get the help you need to be healthy. It''s part of taking care of yourself and putting yourself first.

Just do that first and then we''ll talk about all the other stuff.

But do it really soon. Like today.

  • raybird
  • raybird's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
28 May 12 #333369 by raybird
Reply from raybird
i echo the others, i had to go on anti depressents when he left, i just could nt cope with anything, there is aslo councilling, go to your dr talk things through xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Marshy_
  • Marshy_'s Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
28 May 12 #333398 by Marshy_
Reply from Marshy_
Hiya Sam. I suspected that an affair was at the root of this. Like many others did.

Its funny. Here am I responding to you when not 10 seconds ago I was talking about affairs on another thread. Talk about seeing both sides....

Let lay some facts on you....

Your life is not over. Yr family is not destroyed. Yr family is still in one piece. That will never change. She will always be the mother of your kids and the kids will always be your kids. Unless you decide otherwise. In time, you will see her as just the mother of yr kids. Thats all.

Yr relationship with yt kids is yours. No one owns this except you. And no matter where your kids are, they will always be yrs. No one can take that away from you.

But you can mess it up with yr kids. I know its tough thing to accept, but dont be the bad guy in there eyes by making it hard for the kids to leave or saying things about mum in front of them. Doing so will just wreck yr relationship with them.

I know you are torn between helping her move (as you are sworn to help her and you cant just switch this off) and not helping her (as you dont want her to go really and why should you help her?) But... You have to consider the future and the right thing todo. So you could do this....

a) Move just the kids stuff with the kids to there own rooms and do this entirely seperate to the ex''s move. This has the effect that you are helping the kids and supporting her and could help yr relationship with them.

b) Go away for the weekend of the move. I know this sounds a bit cowardly but you wont be upset by seeing them go of you are there.

Yr ex wont see what all the fuss is about. She wont understand why you just cant help her move. She wont or cant consider yr feelings in all of this. She is in a different head space to you.

There is a c) and this takes some thinking about. But I dont think in yr present mind you could deal with it and it takes a bit of lateral and out of the box. You could help her move. And the reason I say this is that its getting rid of bad rubbish. Now this as I said, is a bit of a stretch for you.

Lastly, you represnt the victims of affairs. I wish that people that have affairs could walk in yr shoes for a while. See what its like to be dealt with like this. Perhaps, they wouldnt do it. Dunno mate...

Very lastly. I am gona lay some Marshy words on ya. And they aint big words. But when I was going thru what you are going thru I just wanted to hear them...

Dude.. Its going to be allright.

It really is. You will be fine in time. Trust me. I know her going is going to crush you. But its the best possible outcome for the long term. Of course it will hurt and you will be crushed by this but there is a tomorow and there will be a good outcome in the end. Do me a favour mate. Just for me. Survive this and show her what you can do without her. C.

Moderators: wikivorce teamrubytuesdaydukeyhadenoughnowTetsSheziLinda SheridanForsetiMitchumWhiteRoseLostboy67WYSPECIALBubblegum11