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Never Saw This One Coming

  • Down_in_a_hole
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28 May 12 #333592 by Down_in_a_hole
Topic started by Down_in_a_hole
Hi All

New to this so please bear with me, never thought that I would be in this place again !!

To keep this as brief as I can:- Been with partner for over 10 years, lived together for a number of years, keeping this as anonymous as I can, partner has many internet trolls. We have had our ups and downs over the years including one period of a trial separation where we dated others, this was a much my fault as hers as I had unresolved issues. Went to counselling which resolved many of my issues and ultimately got back together. We forgave each other of our transgressions and started over again.

We have had many good times but her friends know which buttons to push to trigger a reaction from me, this has been exploited since we have got back together. They want her friendship exclusively and do not like us being together as they like her as a single person who flirts and drinks to excess. This we have accepted and have often laughed off the insinuations but over the last few months the buttons have been pressed to excess. This has resulted in us having arguments, often silly but never the less an argument is an argument.

Recently she has started going out with these friends and has come home late and very drunk. She is behaving like a single person and often refuses to acknowledge me as her partner publicly. She has taken many holidays and breaks with one particular friend, who is married, despite us saying we cannot afford a holiday together. I have recently learnt from a third party that another holiday is booked soon with the friend which is to the same hotel they always go to. When confronted all hell broke loose and I was told to mind my own business it is her money and her friend needs her help.

I made the mistake of accusing her of having an affair as she has many Face book ''friends'' from the hotel. She said that I was paranoid and should trust her. This is hard when she keeps her phone at her side at all times and never fails to return a text immediately, even if we are having a meal together or a ''shared moment’ she even takes the phone to the toilet with her. She will tell me the friend is lonely, having trouble with her husband, if I dare to even touch the phone it like I am trying to take a block of gold from her.

Our sex life is non existent and the situation has reached crises point. We had a major bust up recently and she said that she thinks she no longer loves me. We are trying to sort things out and are still sharing the same house.

As my name implies I am down in a hole at the moment trying to keep body and mind together but it is difficult. I do not want to give up on us as we have a lot to offer, we know each other’s deepest darkest secrets and I still love her with all my heart. She says she still loves me but is not sure if this is enough.

Has anyone else been in this situation it is driving me mad. We are not silly people we are both highly educated and hold very responsible jobs, although I don’t know how long I will hold mine down given my current state of mind.

Love and Respect to all,

  • julesgy
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28 May 12 #333608 by julesgy
Reply from julesgy
hi down-in-a-hole
just to say welcome there are sure to be people coming along to you to advise you i relatively new to this so i just thought id welcome you.

my stbx used to be like with me, he was very protective of his phone - it suddenly became out of bounds for me and when i did question him about how he was with it hed say that if i needed to look in his phone then i didnt trust him and he may as well leave !! so id always back down for fear of losing him - what he didnt think of though was his phone bill when it came to the house and i opened it and took the numbers that he rang the most and bingo got him - and boy was she shocked when i rang her
take care


  • u6c00
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28 May 12 #333614 by u6c00
Reply from u6c00
Many of these are ''classic signs'' of another relationship although of course sometimes people are just like that with their phones.

If you went online and searched for signs someone''s cheating you would find the overprotective about her phone is way up on every list. More important is whether this is a new behaviour.

What struck me is the not acknowledging your relationship publicly. To me that shows a fundamental lack of respect for your relationship which is unacceptable. My ex did this with me when she started a new job (we had just gone through a rough patch). Lo and behold, the new boyfriend is one she met through work!

Perhaps you''re wrong (I hope you are for the sake of your relationship) but you don''t choose a name like ''down_in_a_hole'' if you''re happy! If there is something in your life that makes you deeply unhappy then you need to change it, be that to end the relationship or to find some way of rebuilding it together.

One thing you didn''t say was whether you were married or if there were children involved (but I infer that the answer is no to both from your post).

  • Down_in_a_hole
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29 May 12 #333681 by Down_in_a_hole
Reply from Down_in_a_hole
Thanks for your replies.

We are not Married or have children but we do have pets, who have been our children since we have been living together. Sad but those are the reason I cannot condider cutting and running I am a commited animal rights activist and could never consider putting them at risk.

We do have joint ownership of a large house together, however I sold my property (sole owner and paid for)some years ago and put all of the proceeds into our house. This means that if run to the hills I may lose everything I have worked for, and at 50 that is not a nice thought. When we bought the new house the solicitor, apointed by my partner, did ask us about how we wanted to allocate ownership. I requested that it should be 50/50 so she could still have charge over my investment. The house has a large mortgage, my partner has expensive tastes, that I can not afford on my own. She earns a considerable ammount more than me, she is a legal advisor for a large organisation, so has me stuck between a rock and a hard place when it comes to money. Also we have joint ownership of the car, I need this for work, but as we work at the same location has been handy. Without the car I cannot do my job, I own a motorcycle but cannot use this for work.

I hope we can work this out and that I am seeing to much into things, she has always been a little secretive with the phone but I guess that is young woman with their phones, she is some 10 years younger than me.

Thanks again just a little more insight into my situation- Please pardon the spelling and grammer entering this on my phone with no checker.

  • Crumpled
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29 May 12 #333886 by Crumpled
Reply from Crumpled
I am so sorry that you have had to join us but you will get lots of help and support which will help you through what sounds to be a nightmarish situation.
I may be completely wrong and i hope that i am but i do agree with the others who have posted who said that a lot of the things that your partners is doing are very similar to the pattern of someone that is in another relationship
please keep posting there are so many wise people on here who have certainly helped me both through support when i have been very low and legal stuff.........
try and stay strong and look after yourself

  • leftwondering
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29 May 12 #333894 by leftwondering
Reply from leftwondering

I''m sorry to hear of your situation.
It really is so distressing and turns your whole world upside down.
My story is not that much different from others here though at the time I thought it was.

I suppose the bottom line I''ve had to face up to out of all this mess is that if someone really loves you, they will move heaven and earth to be with you.
If they are with someone else, then ....


  • afonleas
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29 May 12 #333908 by afonleas
Reply from afonleas
How much alike are all our stories,when its your life you don''t think it''s happening to others but the truth is its happening everywhere all of the time we only see our despair and that''s ok but it happens and people start new lives everyday,and better lives.
My ex also became mechanically connected to his mobile or hid it in the car(ALARM BELLS SHOULD HAVE BEEN RINGING) excuse the pun,and became very secretive about his movements until he was confronted then it was the rabbit in headlights sceneiro and the attempt to bluff his way out of it but he just made a bad situation worse and i have now lost whatever respect i had for him,sorry but reading your post you are still in love with her and maybe you don''t want to hear this but it seems this lady is leading a double life a life with you her stability and her single life her excitement and possibly another man all the signs are there to us who were blind to our situation.
As left wondering already said if someone really loves you they move heaven and earth but she is obviously going in the other direction so truthfully do you want to give your heart and love to someone who is taking the water? out of you only you can decide how long this can carry on for but have some self respect and think you are worth more than this i kno at our time of life it''s very hard but if i have to walk the rest of my life alone it will be hundred times better than walking it with a cheat!!
You are here now and although i don''t post much i''m always around here and the advice is amazing so smiles and welsh cwtchs to you:) you are now in one big family who care take care xx
ng it with a cheat!!

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