This is the post I never thought I would be writting, had a very bad weekend. She said she wanted to spend Satuday night with me so I went and spent a geat deal on ingredients then about 2 hours preparing food. She then phoned me to pick her up from the pub where she had been drinking all day with freind & husband. Of course I went there immediately but the upshot is 2 hours latter she told me her and her freind were going back to friends house to share a bottle of wine. When asked about the food I had prepared I was told what about it, however she would ring me when she wanted picking up. Spent the next half hour or so with the husband. His phone went and he told me sorry mate she is staying at ours tonight.
This was the finnal straw went home and went to bed with a bottle of vodka and some Tramadol tablets. I took about 10 tabs with vodka, luckily or un luckily I was violently sick before the tablets had a major impact. I spent the two hours on the phone to the Samaritans. They wanted me to go to the hospital but I refused, spent the next 24 hours in a daze. She came back yesterday saw the state I was in and said she was going away for a few days with freind and husband as she deserved a little break.
I am disgusted with my self that I have turned from the confident strong person, who could go anywhere in the world at the drop of a hat, to this pathetic shell who is afraid of seeing daylight as it means it is the start of another miserable lonley day. I wish I could change but don''t want a future if it is one without her. I love and miss her so much. I know many of your problems are greater than mine and I am ashamed to admit what I have become.
You sign your posts ''Love and respect'' - this is precisely what your partner is not giving you. Betrayal and contempt by the person you love is worse than bereavement. It''s a hard lesson to learn. Suicide is not the answer. Please get yourself some help - counselling, meds from your GP, another long phone call to the Samaritans - whatever it takes.
You are not alone in this, we''ve all been there and the one thing you can learn from this site is that we all eventually pulled through. At some stage most of us realised that no matter what they do our exes still aren''t happy, but that we have the chance to recover and rebuild and be stronger. That''s the ultimate revenge.
She is playing power games with you. Don''t join in. No contact whatsoever unless you have to because any kind of contact will simply re-open the wounds.
Stepper and everyone else give really good advice. It is really hard at first but you will come to realise that you no longer have respect for this person. How could you have, they lie and cheat and have no common decency, this is how I have come to feel about stbx and to be honest I now would never go out of my way to have anything to do with him which is easy for me really as he and his family have cut me off completely. This is fine as I only want people who I can trust in my life and they are clearly not in that catagory. Concentrate on you, you deserve so much better that this.
It is hard to deal with the betrayal and contempt, and yes I agree it is harder to deal with this than death. I think there is an opinion that it takes 3 years to ''get over'' the death of a spouse but 5 for this sort of betrayal!
I have been in a place where tree''s looked increasingly inviting as a way of ending the pain by driving into one. I am still here though and plan to stay around for a long time yet.
I still feel incredibly sad at times but what I have learnt is that I have some friends who would go to the ends of the earth for me. I only know how good they are because of what has happened and whilst I would not have chosen this I feel blessed to have those people supporting me.
You need to plan a future that includes people who really care about you. Being with someone who treats you with such contempt is beneath you. You deserve better and I admit it''s a struggle sometimes to understand how our lives are going to map out but if we make some positive decisions regarding where we are going and who we are going to be we will have a future that is better than we could ever have imagined.
Don''t please give in to thoughts of harming yourself again. Cry, be angry, be sad, feel bereft and then wipe your tears, get throught the next few hours and start again. In time the space becomes larger and you will recover.
I''ve been where you are too. It''s horrible.
Your thoughts are going 100mph and banging around inside your head like a wild animal trapped in a cage and trying desperately to find a way out.
Suicidal thoughts can seem to make sense as an option, but you won''t feel like that in a month or so.
Also note that suicide attempts can easily result in serious irreversible brain damage and possibly being hospitalised or in an institution for the rest of your life.
The pain and anguish of love lost is as old as the hills. You can read it in Shakespeare etc.
It affects you just as severely as any illness would.
We all experience the same symptoms.
Read through the posts and blogs here.
It is a natural, human thing to feel like you do.
The main things that helped me were not to think too far ahead, but just make the effort to get through the day. Try to eat, even if it''s only grazing...maybe some toast or soup or some salad or fruit.
This may sound unimportant, but it isn''t, because if you get physically run down you will find it much more difficult to cope with the pain.
Go easy on the drink. It may make you feel a little better for an hour or two, but if you drink enough to get a bad hangover, the pain will be much, much worse.
You have got to get yourself into "survival mode" and that means looking after your basic health needs first.
Try to get an appointment with your GP. They have seen this many times before and will treat you seriously as they know that loss of a relationship can have a serious impact on your health.
At the end of the day, it doesn''t matter how intelligent or dumb you are, how educated or uneducated you are, how rich or poor you are, how confident or timid you are, how big or small you are, how strong or weak you are or whether you are male or female...you are human...and this crap will bring you to your knees.
So don''t feel ashamed that this has reduced your once confident and capable self to how you feel just now.
If you had had a heart attack or stroke you wouldn''t be ashamed would you?
DO NOT LOOK TO YOUR PARTNER FOR HELP, UNDERSTANDING OR SYMPATHY.
She is toxic to you at the moment and will only offer you more hurt and pain by her callous words and actions.
Take time to read through the posts and blogs of other members here and you will start to get some kind of a grip on your situation.
Friends can offer sympathy, but cannot really help as no one knows what you are going through unless they have experienced it themselves.
You will have to understand that you are not just going to snap out of it. That it will take a bit for your brain and heart to slowly come to terms with things just as in grieving.
But I can assure you that you are going through the worst stages at the moment and this horrible physical pain and heartache will subside in a week or so.
You are not alone.
This site is available to you 24/7 and feel free to vent away or express your feelings as we all know what you are going through.