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Never Saw This One Coming

  • Down_in_a_hole
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30 May 12 #334015 by Down_in_a_hole
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Everyone

Thanks again for your replies, they have all demonstrated that I am far from unique in my position. I can appreciate that all the indicators of an affair, or the intention to have an affair, are in place. The husband of the friend has raised concerns with me also, in public they give the impression that their marriage is strong and he trusts her, I do detect strong undercurrents that this is not the case. He has stated to me that he will ‘less than happy’ if they go away on holiday again together this year but, much the same as me, his wife can twist him round her little finger so I don’t hold much faith in his comments.

The problem that I have is that when we met I had a very highly paid job that entailed me working throughout the world, often at very short notice. Although I loved the job, lifestyle and opportunities to travel I knew it was not conducive to a long term relationship, it had destroyed my previous marriage as although my ex loved the trappings she did not like the fact that I could often get a phone call and leave immediately.

After my marriage was over I was single for many years but loved my job, I then met my current partner whilst working. When we met she was an administrator, for the organisation we now both work for, and she was rather attracted both to me and my lifestyle. Indecently we met whilst I was in Europe working, we corresponded for a time and then the relationship developed. Fast forward a few years I encouraged her to go to university and get her Ba and Masters Degrees which enabled her to get her current high paid job. Me I gave up my job as I vowed I would never again put a job before a person I cared for and started working a 9 to 5 existence, she was pleased about this as we could plan time, buy a house and build a home together. I now work for the same organisation but in a much lower position than her which she is always like to tell people, I don’t mind I am proud of anyone who has accomplished goals in life. What she does not tell people is that I put almost £200k of my money as a deposit on the house.

I have said about my pervious life as I often used to work in the same part of the world as her and her friend go on holiday, sorry cannot be to specific as I would reveal my identity to any trolls, and I know the attitude of the native males to European females. She is very naive and not very worldly wise and does not realise that in the main they try to form a relationship for either money, free and easy sex (which is a taboo in their culture), a passport out of the country or the novelty value of a European girlfriend. They pretend that their culture is based on honesty and integrity and that the lady ‘of the week’ is the only one they have fallen in love with. I know form Experience that this is far from the truth and they will borrow money to show girls they are financially independent and they never want to leave the country, this of course once a victim has taken the bait. Whilst working in the area I helped one girl get back to Europe as her ‘boyfriend’ had taken her money and more importantly her self respect, he also persuaded her to marry him, which she latter established was not a legal marrage in the particular country. I think my partner may have been taken in by one of these local guys as she won’t hear a bad word said about them. I have visited the hotel with her and they know that she is in a long term relationship but once more this is another attraction, taking a girl from a European male.

Of course I could be wrong, as I have holidays on my own due to having a hobby that she is not interested in and ‘my’ holidays centre around my hobby. She also struggles with a mental health problem, which I accept, and is trying to reduce the medication taken, this may account for her mood swings. I do not know at this stage how long I can keep the mask in place, I am far from a saint, but having one failed marriage and a few failed relationships behind me I feel I want to fight this one to the last. I am believer in the saying ‘If something is not worth fighting for them it is worthless’.

Sorry to ramble but my head is in a dark place at the moment.

Love and respect to all.

  • afonleas
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30 May 12 #334032 by afonleas
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Hi diah,
Why are you wasting so much of your energy worrying what she is doing?if her mind is made up you are not going to change it.
You sound as though you are a victim of your own making,you rightly encouraged her to learn more and possibly supported whilst she done this and also maintained a good lifestyle for you both.
Now she has the confidance to play you and she is bigtime,sorry to sound hard but the facts are there she is also earning excellant wages so what does she need you for?you are only the silly beggar who helped her,i work in a mental health enviroment and that is another issue you have raised,it seemsto meyou are making excuses for her,you have one failed marriage and a few failed relationships SO WHAT it does not mean you have to put up with second best just to be in a relationship.
Please cut yourself some slack you are entitled to have a good life with someone who loves you for who you are not what you can provide and you said it yourself about a relationship not being worth fighting you do not need to keep a mask in place you need to man up.
my luv and cwtches to u please take care xx

  • Marshy_
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30 May 12 #334122 by Marshy_
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She is having an affair. These are all the classic signs. Could be that her friend is also and they goto this hotel so that they can meet them. Taking a phone to the loo is extreme behaviour. If she has told you she does not love you then this is another sign. So is allowing you to take holidays on yr own and getting angry when you pry into what she is doing.

I dont know where you go from here. I dont know what sort of person you are or how you will take it or how you prove it to yrself. This is for you todo. But I think you do need proof. How you do that is upto you. I am sorry that I have said these things to you. I believe though that in the bottom of yr mind that you believe this also that she is seeing someone else. C.

  • Down_in_a_hole
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02 Jun 12 #334660 by Down_in_a_hole
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Hi Everyone

Hope you are as well as can be expected in the circumstances we are experiencing.

Been out with friends for the last couple of nights, including a night out with the ''friends'' husband, which came out of the blue. Not a bad night few beers and a meal, strange he phoned me up to go out and we haven’t really got on that well in the past. My partner has always tried to spark arguments between us, I suppose the divide and rule is the order of the day.

We had a good chat about the upcoming holiday and it transpires that she has confided in her friend, and her husband, that she doesn’t know how she feels about anything at the moment. He is not over the moon about them going away but doesn’t think either of them is having an affair. He cannot keep his mouth shut, especially after a few beers, and if he thought my partner was having an affair he would have told me. As the saying goes ''Alcohol can preserve anything but a secret''.

My partner was aghast that I was seeing the husband and promptly went out with her friend and said she was staying over. He is getting fed up with her constantly being round the house and staying over. It would appear a few lies have been said about me but I am keeping these cards close to my chest.

As I said I am 95% certain she is not having an affair at the moment but I am still looking for evidence. Not easy as she is not stupid and very IT literate, as I am, so can cover her tracks. The phone situation is easing a little now and I have been alone in the room with the said device, will not snoop as if caught will ruin any chance of getting back with her. I feel I am being tested all the time but will not rise to the bait. Spending the night together so will see how things go.

A mutual friend at work confronted me on Thursday and said that I was being unreasonable about the messages and facebook traffic between her and some guys who work where she goes on holiday. When I said

''Would you be saying this to her if I had gone to the Philippines or Bancock and corresponded with girls from there who were much younger''

I was told that I was talking rubbish. Think I may have planted a seed with the work friend. I feel she would encourage my partner to go with someone from that country as she went there, met a waiter, left her husband and married him. They now live very close to us.

I do not know, but have suspicions that my partner may try something when on holiday. What can I offer her in comparison to someone who is much younger, probably much better looking (can''t comment to much as I have never been attracted to guys lol) and, given the work he does, full of charm and fun. My partner constantly fishes for complements and, although I tell her she looks great, when you are in a long term relationship I believe that you don’t need to tell someone this 24/7. The one guy she is contact with has a reputation in resort for hitting on older western woman and tells them how beautiful they are. He says he does not want a young woman as men from his country are far more mature than western men so can appreciate the older woman. Somehow I feel I may be entering a battle I cannot win.

Marshy asked what sort of person I am, that is difficult to say at the moment. If I had been asked this question two weeks ago I would have said that I am confident, thrive on adrenaline, whether it riding my motorbike, parachuting or diving to 40 meters with a school of hammerhead sharks above me. I feel I am now a weak broken shell for letting myself get in this state. Although my confidence has gone I cannot change from being a compassionate, caring and loving human being. I really hope that we can work things out but as many have said this may be no longer be an option, still need to keep this thought though.

While typing this I feel ashamed of myself for getting Down in a hole and in the words of the song name ''I want to fly but my wings have been torn in half''. Thanks once again for you messages they are keeping me going at the moment, never felt this bad since my father died.

Love and respect

  • NoWhereToTurnl
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02 Jun 12 #334664 by NoWhereToTurnl
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My heart really goes out to you, you are crying inside and persecuting yourself going over and over every detail.

As much as we want to save a marriage, as much as we love them, it takes two. You can take a horse to water but.......

I have been where you are now and the longer it goes on, the more down trodden you will become and your spirit broken. My exH also hid his phone, took it to the toilet, went crazy if I even went near it. One day this all eased up, I felt some relief and you know what I am going to say next! Yes he had acquired a second phone to put me off track.

For three years I did everything in my power to make him happy, make him want me. I went between abject despair to moments of elation when he offered me a crumb of hope. My health suffered and continues to do so to this day, I beg you not to let this happen to you. I have heard every excuse and lie in the book and whopping big lies are what they are. It is said that it takes 10 lies to cover one lie, think how many you have been told already.

I was your age when I first suspected, I wasted all those years and now as I approach 60, being older and wiser, I know I should have handled it differently.

I wont tell you life is easy alone but I will tell you that after you have given yourself time to heal, you will find peace.

People who have affairs are not worth our time or emotion. Take good care of yourself and get that Petition served.

Best wishes for a happier future xx

  • Down_in_a_hole
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02 Jun 12 #334687 by Down_in_a_hole
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Hi Again

One more thing I would like to add is that as a said previosly I sold my house to put a large deposit on ''our'' house, can''t consider it a home at the moment.

When we looked fora property my partner made it clear that due to her mental health issues she needed to live very close to her family. Due to this I translocated away from my freinds and family. I have now lost touch with my freinds, she did not like them, and so all my social freinds are who I have met through her. I have no one close who I can turn to, my mother is still alive but is not in the best of health so does not know of the situation. She phoned me today and I had to pretend everything was OK, I wanted to tell her the truth but couldn''t bring myself to it.

Sorry to be wallowing in self pity, which is unlike me, just feel the world would be a better place without me in it.

Thanks for reading, love and respect to you all

  • NoWhereToTurnl
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02 Jun 12 #334693 by NoWhereToTurnl
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Please do not think like that, your mother would be so upset if she knew you had kept it from her. Give her a ring, a mothers love is unconditional, pour your heart out to her.
If you are having suicidal thoughts, please make an appt to see your GP and if things get desperate contact Samaritans.

Don''t give in to this, the sun will shine again.

((((((Big HUG))))))

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