Panic attacks and so sad...

There have been issues of trust with my dh all through the marriage, but I have recently found out that he has had a secret online life for some 8 years or more. He has been on swingers'' forums and describes himself as "bi curious". He admits to having had sex with other people, but only women.
Last night I told him the marriage was over. We have been married for 18 years and have two children, aged 13 and 11.
I am absolutely devastated. I am having what I think are panic attacks - like a rush of heat coming up my body and over my head. I shake constantly and I can''t eat.
I''m not angry, just so sad and absolutely terrified about the future. I am scared of coping alone - I know it is pathetic but I can''t even change a lightbulb and computers are mysteries to me. I know I will need to find another job but right now I only earn about £5k a year so I am scared of being destitute too.
Sorry to be so wet but I am just in hell at the moment.

Hi Maureen

I''m very sorry for the situation you find yourself in. You must still be in shock with it only ending last night.

You''re in the right place for all the technical and legal advice you can get but these forums are also very supportive too.

I don''t know whether they are panic attacks you are having, I''m no doctor. It may just be shock or extreme emotion given how recent it is. It might be worth seeing a GP (get someone to go with you, don''t go alone!) who may prescribe something for these times, or might refer you on to some sort of talk-based therapy.

I have a friend who has panic attacks, and what helps her is to pace. Being on her feet reminds her that she is in control. There are plenty of helpful resources on panic attacks. Try Mind ( www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/panic_attacks ). I have found Mind to be extremely helpful on more than one occasion.

I hope things improve for you. Many of us here have been through similar shocks and we''ve all come out the other side. In the mean time, make sure you keep your friends or family close, and come on here any time you''re struggling.

Hiya Maureen. I dont think you are having panic attacks. A panic attack is like a heart attack. Shortness of breath, tingling in arms and pains in the chest. I would have thought that you would have dialed 999 by now. But if you ever have these symptoms. Please dial 999. As it could actualy be a real heart attack. But one thing I would do is make an appointment with yr doctor and get this checked out.

I think what you are feeling is anxiety. This is common in situations like ours. I used to have what you describe and many will attest to this.

There are ways around what you are feeling. Hold your breath for 30 or more seconds and breath out slowly. Do this a few times when you feel especially anxious.

Its normal to feel anxious about the future and what you are doing. You will doubt yrself as to if you are doing the right thing. But can you live with a man that has this double life. Saying you are bi curous when you are not is a bit odd to say the least and do you want to be with someone that trawls these internet sites? Do you deserve better than this?

I would have said if he had just gone on line and fiddled about and not done anything then perhaps seek help with this addiction. But seeing as he has had sex with other people, I perhaps think that he has gone a bit far. But that is only my view and you have to decide if this is something you can work on with counselling to get help or if you just want to end it.

But one thing I would do is get yrself checked out. U have no idea if he used protection with any of the people that he met and for now I would refrain from any sexual activity with him. Its better to be safe then sorry. But confriming that you have no health issues is obe thing less to worry about.

But what ever you do. Dont just do a knee jerk reaction. Divorce is a huge thing todo and there are implications for all of you. Its not something you can ever do lightly. But what ever you decide, we will always be here for you. C.

Marshy_ wrote:

But one thing I would do is get yrself checked out. U have no idea if he used protection with any of the people that he met and for now I would refrain from any sexual activity with him. Its better to be safe then sorry. But confriming that you have no health issues is obe thing less to worry about.

Good advice Marshy.

Maureen, I did this myself, and if you do this you MUST NOT go through it alone. I did, and waiting the week for the results was the worst week of my life, in fact it is my biggest regret of the whole sorry episode because I now know that I didn''t need to. When you do feel up to it, tell someone because you should not go through it alone.

Good luck

It sounds like you''re new to this and are in the early days. It''s going to take time and a lot of work for you to come through this. There are enough of us on here though to show that it is possible. I''m a year in and doing ok (mostly). I agree that you need to move slowly. Take the time you need to ensure you''re making the best decisions for you.

Here are a few tips that I''ve compiled for those just starting out...

*************

In my early days I did lots of things wrong but I did a few things right as well. All of the points below helped me move along.

1. Get support. I talked to a LOT of people but I was very careful who I told what to. Most people were so ready to support me which was awesome but the ones that knew both of us really didn''t want to get into the details. I was very specific with the kind of support I needed from different individuals. From some I needed to have a laugh. From others I needed them to listen. From others still I needed their opinion. Others I needed them to feed me. etc. The key for me was to talk, talk, talk. I have probably talked to a hundred people that have been through something similar. Understanding that there is a script to these things was quite eye opening to me. Knowing that the leaver will deny, blame and justify helped me. Knowing that a lot of the garbage that comes out of their mouths not only is not true but has no basis in reality helped as well.

2. Get away. As soon as I was healthy enough I went away on a trip to the sun. Soon after that I went away again to visit family and childhood friends. This was very, very good. Just get away for a few days even. Get some space. I like long drives and have done a few solo trips with 6+ hour drives through the mountains. Getting away like that brings me back to my 20s and is very healing for me.

3. Don''t beg, it is as pathetic as it sounds. I had a few bad moments when I was begging her to reconsider. It was pathetic. When she was in the "fantasy bubble" as I like to call it there is no reason that will be considered. You have to realise at that moment, in their minds, everything is going to be amazing. They''ve never been this happy. Never. So let it go. The fantasy will wear off eventually and then you can see where you are.

4. Take care of you. This is the biggest one. Be kind and patient with yourself. Put yourself first. Really first. Not your kids, but you. It''s like on the airplane when they say put the oxygen mask on you first. You have to take care of you then you will be fit enough to take care of others in your life. This will take time and a lot of hard work. It''s worth it. Why? Because you''re worth it. You. Can you commit to taking care of you? This is a very new concept for so many people. Can you truly love yourself? Can you look into yourself and see a person of value? A person worthy of love?

5. Know that you''ll be more than ok. You''ll be awesome. Honest. The future is not yet written and you have a huge hand in it. The best path forward is making your life great.

Another interesting thing I learned is that the stories are not particularly unique. In fact, the more I talk to others that have been through this, the more the stories are all so sickeningly similar. Honestly, I have not truly moved on but I am doing ok. I have learned a ton about myself and the type of person I am. I have looked deeply into myself and started to understand my role in all of this. Why did I allow myself to be treated so poorly? How did the total breakdown in communication contribute to the environment? I think you move on, if that is even the right phrase, by doing the work on you. What was your role? Who are you and who do you want to be?

One more thing. Stop reading so many books on this subject. Get out and have more fun! This is your life and you get to choose what happens next! Commit to being awesome.

I have no doubt that I am going to come through this stronger. That is my 100% commitment to myself.

Take good care of you,

Hi Maureen I am so sorry you find yourself here but you will got lots of help and support from everyone.
I can really only help you by telling you what i have experienced
My husband has also been having a number of affairs one with a woman who turned out to be a prostitute (that shocked him as well although it was obvious)
Anyway when I found out I reacted exactly the same as you and in exactly the same way as you are describing I think what Marshy said is bang on and that it is extreme anxiety.
I hate doctors and pills but i was in such an obvious state (i live in a very small village)my gp approached me even though he didnt know what had happened and asked me to see him.He prescribed anti depressants and urgent counselling.
(I didnt tell him what was going on so if you dont want to i dont think your doctor would ask)
The anti depressants enabled me to function as i have three children to look after and they did take the edge off the worst bits.
Although counselling sounds airy fairy it was a lifesaver so consider it sooner than later.
You will experience a rollercoaster of emotions being really angry and devastated at the same time this is normal and it does get easier it just takes time.
Please get yourself checked out for your own peace of mind there are lots of places who will do this in total confidentiality so you dont even have to involve your own gp if you dont want to.
I know it will be really hard but try and eat because you need to stay strong for yourself and your children.
Put yourself first if you need to stay in bed stay there etc

I will be thinking about you

I know we have to split because of everything he has done over the years, but I still love him and it hurts so much