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  • Bluemum
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08 Jun 12 #335828 by Bluemum
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I have finally come to the realisation that after nearly four years of being separated, I''m as far away from getting over the separation, than I was four years ago and I probably need to talk about it! I also hope that my past experiences may also help others? So if I can help please ask!!

I was with my ex for 9 years (married for 3yrs) and have two children.
We hadn''t been getting on since the birth of my second son. We argue continuously. I lost the love for him.
My older son started football practice and I would take him and I bumped into an old boyfriend (from my teenage years). He was separated and had two children. I confided in him regarding my problems and talking to a third party made me realise just how unhappy I was!
I left my husband a few month later (my youngest being 2). My husband is a lovely man, who loved me. But we just couldnt get on and i think that i just lost the will to try. I wasnt happy and nor was he. I continued to talk to my old boyfriend and after 6 months started dating. We are still in a relationship but we don''t live together. I am still marriage but want to seek a divorce.
My ex husband Is still single and can not move on or except that I have. The arrangements for access to the children has always been amicable and consistent ( once weekly and alternate weekends) and he also pops round to say hello to them if he''s passing (but stays at the door), which I feel is very intrusive but won''t deny them the opportunity.
He hates my new partner and the time we spend together with his children. He consistently try''s to tell me what I should and shouldn''t do. He has spat at me, verbally and physically abused my partner in the past but I feel sorry for the hurt I have caused.
I feel like I have ruined my husbands life and my children''s. I feel I have taken away the dreams of what a family should be like for them. My youngest son has never known what its like to live with his mum and dad together. My children seem happy enough and I have changed my working life to fit in with there school, so I''m around for them always. I just feel so desperately guilty For what I have done!!!

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09 Jun 12 #335829 by Bluemum
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Sorry for the enormous post and rant but I havent talk to anybody about my feelings, as my family and friends feel sorry for my ex.

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09 Jun 12 #335836 by flowerofscotland
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Hi Bluemum,

Hello and welcome to Wiki. A place that will be of comfort to you during your difficult time.

It takes a lot of courage to post for the first time, but you have now and I am sure there will be other''s who will offer advice and guidance.

Firstly, it is so hard for the person who has been ''left'' to comprehend what has happened. You have to possibly see things from your X''s point of view. One minute you are there and the next minute you are gone and almost within a flash you are settled with A.N. Other. That is such a bitter pill for anyone to take, although that does not excuse your X''s current behaviour. It sounds like he is hurting very much, like so many of us here, it takes a long time so for the sake of the children try and be patient with him, as best you can. When a person''s feelings are totally disregarded it can take them a long time to get over the loss of a great love.

You say that you started to talk to your old friend, and then start a relationship, you did what you did, there is no going back and although you say it was 6 months after you and your X split that this began, it is still very early days for you to have moved on in his eyes. It sounds as if he is still very much hurting. There are definitely 2 different perspectives, one of the leaver and one of the left.

You sound also if you are carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, what has happened has happened and there is no changing that. My advice would be go and see a good counsellor, one who is not there to be judge or jury, but one that will listen and allow you a chance to offload.

Even from what you say, that your new relationship did not officially start until 6 months down the line from having separated, your X will never see it like that, the fact that you chose to speak to in his eyes a stranger, signifies that you took the easier route out...who knows? You are where you are because of your choices, you have to live with that, but at the end of the day, try and keep as amicable a relationship with your X for the sake of the children, who knows one day you may just have to dance at the wedding of your son or daughter with him. It is so much easier if you keep on good terms with him as best as you can.

I hope will be in a better place soon.

Take care for now FoS x

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09 Jun 12 #335840 by ConfusedDad
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Hi Bluemum

Wow... are you my wife!? ;)The essence of your story seems very similar to mine except our roles are reversed and i''m only 6 months in.

You have in some ways ruined the life that your husband and children were going to have. Kids adapt and will only know the life they have now but you and your husband know what their life ''should'' have been, ie what you both wanted when you decided to have them. It''s easier for you because you have someone else who has replaced your husband in your life, your husband doesn''t and also didn''t choose what has happened to him.

I can''t give you an insight into the guilt you feel or how to move past it, I imagine it is very hard, especially as you sound like a genuine caring person. You have done what you felt you had to do and at the end of the day if you weren''t happy then it was the right thing to do. Should you have tried harder to work things out with your husband, possibly, but you probably didn''t feel you could because you didn''t feel that way about him...

It''s sad that after 4 years your husband hasn''t moved on and you feel so guilty, are these things linked? I imagine if he had moved on and was happy you would feel less guilt because you wouldn''t be faced with the negative impact of your decision. Is your husband still hoping you will come back or is he just not having any luck finding someone else? How do you feel about him now?

You say you haven''t talked to anyone about how you feel, can you not talk to your current partner?I can imagine it''s hard not to have your family in your side, my wife is in the same position there, but your partner should be there for you, especially as it''s not a new relationship where he might feel threatened emotionally. Are you happy in your current relationship? Perhaps you should look into getting some counselling...it might be just what you need to help you deal with things.

I hope something I''ve written is useful but I appreciate I''m seeing it from the other side.

All the best

Ian

  • sim5355
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09 Jun 12 #335844 by sim5355
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hi! i can understand your guilt but it was not a sudden decision,you did not leave him for another man you were already seperating in your eyes so you most have been unhappy.You cannot stay in a marriage for everybody else because if you are unhappy the children will pick up on it .

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