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What are we each entitled to in our divorce settlement?

What does the law say about how to split the house, how to share pensions and other assets, and how much maintenance is payable.

What steps can we take to reach a fair agreement?

The four basic steps to reaching an agreement on divorce finances are: disclosure, getting advice, negotiating and implementing a Consent Order.

What is a Consent Order and why do we need one?

A Consent Order is a legally binding document that finalises a divorcing couple's agreement on property, pensions and other assets.


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Our consultant service offers expert advice and support to help you reach agreement on a fair financial settlement quickly, and for less than a quarter of the cost of using a traditional high street solicitor.


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  • clpeardrop
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09 Jun 12 #335857 by clpeardrop
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Hi
More and more so in the last few months I have been thinking of asking my husband for a divorce. We have had a rocky relationship since pretty much the beginning and that was 16 years ago. As friends we get on pretty well most of the time but that is all it is and every now and again the entire relationship spirals out of control and gets messy. We have seemed help on numerous occasions seemed help which works for a few weeks only. I know he isn''t truly happy and neither am I and I just don''t know how long I can keep up the pretence. It''s not fair on him or the children (both teenagers). How do I do this so it doesn''t get nasty? An added complication is that we work together which will make any financial agreement a complete nightmare unless the whole thing is amicable. I don''t want it to get bitter, I just want us both to be able to have the opportunity of a fulfilled and happy life. Something we are not giving each other and to be perfectly honest, I don''t think we ever could. There isn''t anybody else involved. Has anyone got any suggestions or experiences? My husband has the ability to turn exceptionally nasty and calculating in certain circumstances. Help!

  • revenge
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09 Jun 12 #335863 by revenge
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If you think you both feel the same I would suggest you go for a walk or go somewhere away from the home were you can talk. Ask him if anything is bothering him and if he is happy with the marriage. It''s not going to be easy but it would be better to do this now before one or the other of you go out and have an affair. For a year or so before my husband left he changed quite a lot moods on and off seemed like he didn''t want to smile or join in with anything, I asked what was wrong he just said he was tired and I believed him as we had a lot on with different things and he was doing 12 hours a day at work which meant he was away from home all week so the added pressure of work at home made things stressful. I was feeling very down and thought it was to do with all the pressure of work at home I now realise it was to do with my husbands lack of interest in me. One day after a moody weekend and an argument he said he had something to say, and that he was leaving me he couldn''t stand it any longer and I''d got him down, great considering I had all the pressure of the work going on at home on my own and all I wanted was for my husband here a bit more to support me. The week after i found text on his phone from another woman saying love you always and forever missing you like crazy etc! E swore blind there was no one else when he left and for weeks after. I left it a couple of months then I went and confronted them.hey swore blind nothing went on until my husband left me. If he had told me how he was feeling before this relationship stared I would still have been devasted but I would have had more respect for him, now I don''t know how long he had been lying to me, ass he still told me everyday he loved me and that was 22 years of marriage down the drain. Now he is very cold towards me like I''m someone he used to know. Sorry for waffling but it''s still really painful after 13 months and I cry every day because of the husband I''ve lost and it kills me to know ow has the wonderful husband I had. I know it''s not right to stay in a unhappy relationship and you can''t make someone love you I would have done anything to keep us together but wasn''t given the chance. So if you truly feel like you both feel the same talk about it and sort it before it turns bitter and you end up not being able to face each other.

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09 Jun 12 #335868 by clpeardrop
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Hi
I am sorry your relationship ended like that. Dishonesty and being lied to is horrible especially by the one person you have trusted for so long. I really hope you can move on with your life and find true happiness.
I agree with what you say. To be honest I think I am more worried about the consequences a little further down the line. He may agree with me that things aren''t working but then having to sort out the finances and the practicalities is just going to be horrible based on conversations/arguments we have had before. This is where the bitterness will start. We run our own business. He has the control. He will tell me to get a new job. Why should I? PLUS I have had that job for years. It''s just so complicated....i don''t want everything, just enough to live on. I am aware my lifestyle will have to change. I don''t know. It makes my head hurt to think about it. Maybe I am jumping ahead of myself and perhaps take one step at a time. I just don''t want bad feeling or arguments.
Going back to affairs..I''d never given it any thought before now. I don''t suppose that why he has no interest in me? I would know or at least have an inkling? Oh..life''s tough sometimes

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09 Jun 12 #335873 by revenge
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You want what you are entitled to and some more if you can get it. You as well as I know our style of life will change yet we don''t want to scrimp, and scrape after having a comfortable life. I thought we had it all through pure hard work. Now he has got the life with someone else with the benefits of or hard work. My husband has a business which is basically his earnings (5 figure monthly sum) I am shareholder and director but don''t actually do any work, he has now informed me he is wrapping that business up and starting one in a new name, he failed to tell me he has transferred a large sum of money from that account to somewhere else. I know he is only protecting his own interests but he also knows I am not a money grabber. Go to solicitors with all your bank account details business info monthly outgoings, gardener window cleaner etc etc every little bit of info you can get endowments etc, they will tell you what to expect, do this before you talk to him about your marriage. You will then know and be prepared for anything he throws at you. Don''t panic and rush into things but also don''t let things drag on thinking they be ok. It really is the hardest thing I have had to live with and believe me we have had a lot of illness and stressful events that have affected our lives in the last few years none of that compares to the break up of my marriage. Stay calm that''s what I''ve done and normally I''m the fly off the handle type it pays to be armed with info on where you stand financially and to stay in control as much as you can.

  • Canuck425
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09 Jun 12 #335903 by Canuck425
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ok stop. Take a deep breath. Think.

When I read first posts like this I always want you to try to talk. Really talk. Do you think you have done that?

I am convinced that 95% of the population is asleep. THey plod through life putting one foot in front of the other. Going to work, providing for the family, raising kids, going to Costco, etc. Life''s busy. The passion goes away and there is no joy.

Have a real talk with your husband. See if you can wake him up. Make him understand that the marriage is over and see if you two want to build a new and better one. I hear it can happen! This will be a lot of work. I think if you both are working toward the same goal it can be done.

Do this before there are affairs, before it gets ugly, before there is screaming and bitterness. Take the lead and see if you can get him to be invested. Don''t do it for the kids or out of obligation. Do it for you. To see if you can build something awesome with someone that you have a lot invested in.

That is my advice. I wish that someone had woken me up years ago. Before it was much too late...

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09 Jun 12 #335914 by Lostboy67
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Hi,
Welcome to wiki but sorry you find yourself here.
Are you convinced that the marriage is over would councilling help? It may be that your husband does not want a divorce, perhaps he does? My understanding is that Relate can help either to help the marriage work or to help you to work together to find an amicable end.
Don''t be in a rush to a solicitors, that can lead to a legal ''arms race'' it is far better if you can work out a settlement yourselves or with the help of mediation. I know that Revenge offered different advice but I think her name offers an insight there. It may be that your outcome will be slightly less than if you fight it through the courts but don''t underestimate the cost of doing this both in financial and emotional terms, it can cost upwards of 20k each and potentially much more if you are both committed to fighting it.


Take care
LB

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10 Jun 12 #335973 by clpeardrop
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Hi
Thanks to you all for the advice you are offering. It is much appreciated.
We have tried to work at the relationship. In fact in reality we have been trying since the beginning. We have sought advice from relate and other councilors, all of which work for a short time. How long should we keep trying? The passion, the desire has gone and I really don''t think it can be got back. I don''t want to live the rest of my life without this, feeling like I do. It''s not fair on my husband either. We both deserve happiness.
Revenge has made me see things that could happen if things were to get bitter. Potentially my husband could wind up the business and start afresh....now where does that leave me? No job, no money. How fair would that be? I think at the very least I need to know what my rights are regarding this. I don''t want to fleece him at all but I still need to be able to survive. Oh.. It''s all so complicated. It would be lovely to be able to sit down and sort everything out and still remain friends. Let''s face it, that is what we have been for the last god knows how many years anyway. Does this ever happen? Could it happen if I handled it properly. If anyone has any view please share them with me.

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