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The hardest thing I have ever experienced!!

  • Martboy2012
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  • Senior Member
  • Senior Member
12 Jun 12 #336249 by Martboy2012
Topic started by Martboy2012
Hi all,

I have been “lurking” here since my wife left me around 3 months ago. I will admit that this site gives me some optimism that the pain I feel will eventually diminish.

My story:

My wife left me just over 3 months ago, and this started with a phone call at work to tell me she is leaving me after being together for 24 years, half my life. I could not do anything as I was at work, but she was gone when I got home!! I could not believe this had happened and she had left our home, our two grown up sons and our marriage. The pain was indescribable, the loneliness and emptiness made me so desperate that I started having anxiety/panic attacks, went to the doctors and was diagnosed as having bad depression, given AD tablets. I was also told that I have been suffering from depression for quite awhile which seemed to tie in with the fact that our marriage had been “not right” for awhile as well. If I had known about the depression, maybe I could have saved the marriage – I don’t know

My wife blames me totally for her having to leave and is not interested in salvaging as it is “not what she wants”. In hindsight, I thought the last couple of years of our marriage were about giving her the space she needed to get better, as she suffers from ME, but it was really about her and what she wanted to do. I slept on the sofa for two years, so I did not disturb her sleep, did the majority of the housework so she could rest when she needed. Towards the end, all I seemed to be there for was to cook, clean, shop and pay the bills. I was told I am controlling, nothing I do would be good enough, I do not earn enough, the house is not good enough etc… We did argue and we both cried, but because she cried I was abusive, although I never kicked/punched or tore off her shirt in fits of rage, called her a lazy c*** and told to f****** leave! Despite all of this I feel that I would have her back in a heartbeat if she asked, and would continue the marriage on whatever terms she wanted. My family think I am crazy for feeling this way, especially after she had visited us and on leaving, I gave her a hug and said “I love you”, this was followed by silence for a few seconds and then she replied “ love you too” upon which she sniggered and laughed – this destroyed me when she left. My wife visits us when she wants, mainly to see my sons and I keep it friendly so she can. I do not bar her from the house, but it is now getting very difficult to move on or accept the situation because I am devastated when she leaves again.

Even after three months, I cry every day over the loss of the marriage and what should have been, I am now emotionally unstable, paranoid and lack self confidence, feel totally empty and lonely, whereas before I was strong, confident and looking forward, even though our marriage was not the best, I still saw us growing old together and things would improve with time to what it was like years ago. I also realise that it takes two to argue and this separation is my fault as well...I am not perfect!!

Deep down, I know I must accept this and try and move on, but I find that I live in the past now and that she will come back, not get the divorce and it will work out. This site has helped me see that I am not alone in this, or that mine is an isolated case.

Thank you Wikivorce and its members and forgive my long ramblings

  • wscowell
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  • Elite Member
12 Jun 12 #336259 by wscowell
Reply from wscowell

You deserve a medal for your honesty and openness. Very few would feel able to share the pain of loss so openly, and fewer would be as candid about their part.

I''ve been through this, and I promise you the pain does soften - but you have to believe in better. We were put here to learn things about ourselves and others. We can''t do that without experiencing the bad as well as the good.

It''s like Yin and Yang. Everywhere you look in all philosophies you see this acceptance that we don''t have the right to all the good stuff without experiencing the bad stuff too.

Actually, if the marriage was as bad as you describe it, she made a decision for you that you probably both needed. You were being trodden underfoot, and you became resentful because deep down you knew it - you were just afraid to rock the boat.

I say: the slog up the mountain is steep and hard, but brief. Stay with it - the view from the top is great. This separation could be the very best thing for you both. Getting the marriage dissolved is easy enough, and the finances can be sorted as well. It''s all do-able. But your health and self belief is what really matters.

This is an excellent community, you''ll find no end of support here. Keep the faith! :-)

Will C

  • afonleas
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  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
12 Jun 12 #336267 by afonleas
Reply from afonleas
Welcome Martboy,
I say welcome but also sorry that you find yourself amongst the rest of us.
Here you will find all the support that you will need both the legal side of things and the emotional side which it seems at the moment is your priority.
It is terrible when a marriage breaks down especially one as long as yours ,mine was 30 yrs,and the pain and hurt that you go through i would not wish on my worst enemy ( i wish it on my ex though)but it is all alearing curve i have learned things about myself i never would have thought possible.

7 mths on and getting stronger day by day and completly changing my life,like yourself i would have had him back in a heartbeat but not anymore he does not deserve me and believe me you will get stronger promise you although you think that will be impossible.

Concentrate in yourself and take baby steps forward and you will get there and we all here to help you.

take care
luv and cwtchs....afon

  • leftwondering
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12 Jun 12 #336268 by leftwondering
Reply from leftwondering
Hi Martboy,

Feeling for you. It''s truly horrible I know.
You are right in saying you are not an isolated case as you''ve seen from the forums and blogs.
Can I ask you a couple of things?

Where does she stay when she goes away?
Can she finance herself independently?
Do you know for certain there is no other man involved?
Are you coping with looking after yourself physically? (eating, sleeping OK.)
Are you still able to work OK and keeo up a reasonable performance?

No one can really say if your wife will come back or not. It''s not really common for an older woman to leave the family home unless they have someone to go to (as in other man), or have been subjected to mental or physical abuse.

She also feels very confident in her decision so far.

The sniggering and laughing in your face is truly appalling.

Judging by what''s happened, can you really say for sure you would want her back?
Or are you thinking of the woman you used to know some years ago?
Because she is not that person now.


  • maggie
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  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
12 Jun 12 #336271 by maggie
Reply from maggie
I think the story of the climber with his arm trapped under a boulder
best describes the pain of people who are forced to divorce.

  • Canuck425
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  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
12 Jun 12 #336287 by Canuck425
Reply from Canuck425

I find that I live in the past now

While that is understandable it''s not healthy for you. There is no right timetable to work through this stuff. But you should know that only you control your thoughts. No one else. Learning from the past is great. Living in the past - not so much.

Can you live in the present? Right now? In this moment? This moment is new and has never happened before. This moment can be wonderful, it''s up to you. Take a deep breath and look around. Can you see something beautiful? Right now. Maybe there is a spider web or a butterfly or you see some children playing. Beauty is all around you - take a minute and notice.

I think you need to take some time and be kind to yourself. To really love yourself.

You talk about accepting this and moving on. Well, you will do that when you''re ready. For now, if you''re sad then feel it. Take the time to experience sadness. But also notice what changes that mood into another feeling.

Men are emotional cripples. We''re so repressed it is awful. If you start to work through that then I think it will help.

Good luck, you can come through this stronger. Invest in yourself. You''re worth it!

  • Marshy_
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  • Platinum Member
12 Jun 12 #336303 by Marshy_
Reply from Marshy_
Hi Martboy. Sorry you have to be here. But hey. As they say you have come to the right place.

Firstly, I want to tell you that there is nothing wrong with you and her leaving is not yr fault.

Blame. Someone has to be at fault right? And that someone is you. Of course you didnt force her to leave you. U gave her the space to recover. Even slept on the sofa so that you wouldnt disturb her. Did the shopping and was chief cook and bottle washer for a long time. And you are somehow to blame? Cobblers. Dont take the blame for things you didnt do. Ok no one is perfect. But she cant blame herself so she blames you. Classic.

As for her coming to the house to see the kids, this is just cruel. And she is cruel to you in lots of ways. Saying she loved you and laughed. I bet she thought about that in those seconds. But I would tell her that she is not welcolm in the house. If she wants to see the kids, she should take them somewhere. Not sit in yrs and stir you up. I am sure you would have read about the no contact rule. You should have a go at this. It will help you.

Back in the distant past. When I was going thru roughly what you are going thru. I wanted someone to tell me everything was going to be allright. Thats all I wanted really. So this is for you chum. Everything is going to be all right. Ok not today. Or even tomorow. But soon.

But I wont lie to you. U have a huge mountain to climb. But you can do it. You can be like you used to be. Better in fact. As you wont have that monkey on yr back anymore. Start being tough with her and not let her take liberties like coming to the house. And dont tell her you love her. Yr just belittling yourself. And she loves to see you squirm. But dont let her. Start letting her see you are getting on with life by not putting up with her nonsense. You can do it mate. And its so satisfying when we hit back. C.

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