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Dumped now I''m old

  • SuzeQsad
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18 Jun 12 #337465 by SuzeQsad
Topic started by SuzeQsad
I met my husband 23 years ago and i am 8 years older than him. i wasn''t sure about the age difference but he kept saying it was nothing and he would always love me. Then 4 weeks ago he just said he didn''t love me anymore along with a few other things, and today he wants a divorce. I am now 59 years old and don''t see much of a life for me. He can''t afford to move out and is expecting us to still live in the same house, which I am finding really hard as I still love him. He wants to be able go out and find another woman while still living here. And also wants me put his name on the deeds to the house, which he has never bothered about before. I am so afraid of the future...

  • Fiona
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18 Jun 12 #337474 by Fiona
Reply from Fiona
Yes, the future can look very bleak and frightening but as many of us here can testify there is a life after divorce and it can be good albeit it different one from the one we expected. Hold on to that thought.

In the short term the usual legal advise is for both parties to stay in the former matrimonial home until there are financial arrangements in place. Running two homes can be expensive and you want to avoid debts and the house being repossessed. You also need to separate the emotions from practicalities using a counsellor if necessary, otherwise the situation can easily be inflamed causing unnecessary legal costs.

Longer term the point of divorce is to separate your lives and finances. There is no point in your husband going on to the deeds at this time. Whilst you are married he has the same right as you to live in the former matrimonial home and if you are divorcing a decision ultimately needs to be made as to what will happen to the house and any other assets including pensions.

  • maisymoos
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18 Jun 12 #337481 by maisymoos
Reply from maisymoos
Don''t write yourself off. It''s hard but try and stay positive. It always upsets me on this site that the older community sometimes feel that that''s that! There are plenty of men and women that find themselves alone in later years but it''s no different for women and men in their 40''s, and why should it be. Stay open minded and it may just surprise you what''s around the corner. Take care x

  • livinginhope
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18 Jun 12 #337488 by livinginhope
Reply from livinginhope
Suze,I''m so sorry to hear what has happened to you.I will start by saying I''m older than you and very recently Divorced.Before I got Divorced I felt terrified of getting old ,being alone and lonely but now the fear has gone.I''m making new friends and enjoying not being worried about anything my ex says or does.I''ve also been asked out by 2 men but I declined the offers as it seems too early to be dating again.I thought my life was over at 60 but it''s only just beginning.I feel better than I have for years.
One thing I would say is if he tries to put you down because of your age ,appearence etc.don''t take any notice What he says or thinks doesn''t make it true.
I would add that he seems a bit pathetic needing to be seeking another woman before he''s even out of your relationship.He may well live to regret hid decision but thats his problem.
L I H xxx

  • Canuck425
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19 Jun 12 #337505 by Canuck425
Reply from Canuck425
Oh darling, don''t put yourself down!

You''re in a bad place but you''ll get through it and it will get better. Many here know what it takes.

For now, it''s early days and you need to take care of yourself.

He is following the cheater/leaver manual and it is likely there is already someone else. Get ready for that bombshell.

So, you should go and see a lawyer to ensure you understand where you stand legally. Information is important.

Emotionally, you need to take care.

1. Get support. Talk, talk, talk. Find people who care about you and talk to them. Find people who are going through something similar and talk to them. Find a therapist, you''re going to need it. Talk to strangers. Talk to everyone. It''s great therapy just to be more social but you''ll be amazed at what happens when you''re more open to people. They open up too!

2. Get away. Go on a mini break somewhere nice. Treat yourself but get away. Go to Cornwall or Spain or Las Vegas or where ever. Just get away for a bit.

3. Don''t beg. It''s very unattractive. I know you still love him, of course you do. But don''t beg. I did that initially and it was as pathetic as it sounds. It''ll take you a lot of time to actually move on but start faking it. You can cry to others but not him. He doesn''t care.

4. Put yourself first. This is likely very new to you. But really put yourself first. Do things only if they benefit you. Commit to loving you. To caring for you. Look yourself in the mirror and say "I love you, I commit to loving you". Affirmations work. Do it because you''re worth it!

Don''t worry about being alone or finding someone else. Not now. You have lots of life left at 60. Tonnes. You can get through this but it is a LOT of work. If you put the work in you''ll be awesome. That, I can actually guarantee!

  • pixy
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19 Jun 12 #337526 by pixy
Reply from pixy
8 years is a lot at 20/28 but scarcely anything at 51/59, so don''t letthat dominate your thinking. He''s having some sort of crisis and is very unhappy, hence self delusion that everything can be fixed by getting into a new relationship. As Caunck says, standard behaviour.

I too am older than you. I was just as worried about starting over. But, hey, nearly 18 months down the line it''s not so bad. In fact it''s good. I can do what I want, when I want. I don''t have to make compromises or constantly massage my stbx''s ego. It''s hard work re-establishing yourself as a singleton at any age, but you can do it - and you owe it to yourself to have a good life.


  • afonleas
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19 Jun 12 #337531 by afonleas
Reply from afonleas
Hi suze,
Just reading through the threads you will
find that there are loads of us more mature
members so you are definatly not alone on that score and welcome to wiki.
Sounds as though your ex going through exactly same time as mine did,but mine went to rent-a-bike.com and found their best employee, she should have sent me the bill
for the favour she has done me.
At the beginning i was heartbroken but i know now that this man did not deserve me our my love and whatever his future is well it''s his future mot mine,we all know that their mistakes will haunt them sometime.
As for my future i have the ultimate control over that,as you will, a future that is differant but will be fulfilling and one you have created for yourself,its still very early days yet and totally appreciate how you are feeling,but we are all here to support you as we have all been supported.
Take each day slowly and put yourself first
as you are the most important person in your life,and the pain will slowly ease and the days and nights will not seem so dark but you will get there.

Take care of you.
Luv and cwtchs........afon xx

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