Hello to all,
Firstly, just like to say WOW to this site. I have had my head in the sand for too long about my situation and reading some of the posts on here I feel I may have found the font of knowledge, experience and support that might get me through this
Well my story -
Woke up one day 2 years ago and was told STBE didnt love me and needed some space - he hasnt been back since. The shock lasted a year and Im starting to get my and my boys (8 and10) life together again.
Hes by the way moved in with someone 10years younger - met her 4 weeks after leaving me and she happend to work at his nick!! Refused to admit that anything was happening though!
I have received a copy of the D8 (dissolution) from him - he wanted me to check so to keep the cost down. We are not wanting to use representaion yet due to cost, he has also said its better for us to do this bit now and then next year when we have some money to do the finances - this will be complicated due to him being a Policeman and his pension, the FH with no equity and £30k debt on it and I have a CCJ. I have a few concerns and was wondering if anyone has any advice. I shall number them to help
1) I dont want to wait to do the finances, Im worred I will not be entitled to as much if we are divorced first - is this true and can he push for this to be done? What can I do to ensure this is not done?
2) He has been paying £420 maintence, he will not tell me is wage, when he first set this up he said he would not include overtime. I can barely manage on this. And he has had 2 hoildays this year already and 4 last year!!!
He has recored this figure on the D8A. I dont want to get into every month asking what he has earnt - is the CSA good when there is a fluctuating income? Do I not sign the DA8?
3) With regards to contact we have been flexable - I have been flexable - due to his job but he has recorded that phone calls are anytime (can go a week without a call), every other weekend stay over (can go a month without visits if he has ''plans'') and holidays (domestic or foreign) when practical. Is is unreasonable or doable to ask for a more structured access agreement? i.e 3 weeks of the school holidays the boys are to go to him. I work full time and find it difficult managing the holidays.
Im sorry this is so long, I have been worrying over the right thing to do - I dont want to be a cow to him but I need to build a solid future for my children, I do find it very difficult not to slip into good little wife mode when I deal with him so I need to have solid fact and advice behind me before I challenge him.
My immediate reaction is - police pension - you have obviously been married a fair few years with the kids the age they are. Don''t be too soft. That police pension could be worth a lot and you are entitled to some of it for bringing up his kids. Just don''t be fobbed off too easily - and that''s not ''being a cow''.
Just a few things for you to consider:
1. You can do the finances anytime. The only think you really seem to lose out on by being divorced is the right to inherit his estate if he dies. Otherwise you can do the money side anytime you want to. I would suggest that he is being foolish not to sort this out now as his assets may well increase and you could benefit from this. He can force the issue by taking matters to court. However, from your point of view it might be OK at the moment but financial ties to someone who you aren''t married to anymore can be very constraining.
2. I can understand why he doesn''t want to tell you his wage, these things are only things that spouses normally share. But the CSA are good and they will see his wage, calculate the payments and let you know without you ever having to see a payslip.
3. It is good that you are flexible and in all honesty, thats the best way to be. But you do need more structure as your starting point and you are not being unreasonable to ask for it. Its also in the boys interests as they will have a clear expectation of when they will see dad. You could maybe offer to do this 4 months at a time to start with? It is fair to ask for help during school holidays but the buck ultimately stops with you if he is unwilling / unable to help (which is possible if he is a shift worker).
Hope that helps!?
Thank you for your replies. We have been married for 12 years this July together for 15.
The Pension is the biggest thing that needs to be sorted, its the only assest!
I really want to get the finances sorted now - I dont want to have that conecction with him any more.
Can I log the request for the finances to be looked at following him putting in the D8?
I know how you are feeling exactly! Sounds like we are going through very very similar situation right now!
He thinks its right to divorce direct with the courts to avoid cost - yes, great idea as I don''t have the cash to pay solicitors. But is this right - I keep questioning myself (see previous threads). I to hope the courts question the finances or hope we can request on the D8 that the finances are disclosed. Anyone know out there?? Pleeease help us!!