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  • lostlucy
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23 Jun 12 #338545 by lostlucy
Topic started by lostlucy
:Smy husband wants a divorce and I dont. He had an affair just over 5 years ago, whilst i was pregnant.I have really struggled with trusting him as he refused to go to counselling. He demanded a divorce over 6months ago, but is still living in our house and sleeping in the same bed as me. I have 2 small children. His behaviour recently changed after a work trip away. I have read emails and tweet messages and he is having very inappropiate "conversations" with 2 women. Also they have exchanged photos. My head tells me that he is cheating, and I cant trust him still, but my heart still loves him dearly, and my children love their father. He has changed pin codes to phone,computer, as he knows messages have been read, but he refuses to tell me the truth.I feel absolutley dreadful that I read his messages. When I have challenged him, he refuses for me to see emails,messages etc. It is killing me. He sits in the same room as me in the evening sending these messages. I am trying all I can to keep my family together, it will break my childrens heart as well as mine. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I feel we shouldn''t hide anything from each other, I have never even looked at another man. What should I do? Im torn between the devil and the deep blue sea.

  • epitome title
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23 Jun 12 #338554 by epitome title
Reply from epitome title
Hi Lucy

Welcome to Wiki but I am really sorry that you have found yourself here, but you will get immense support and advice any time you ask for it.

It must be heartbreaking to go through what you are going through but you do say that you cannot trust him and i totally understand that given he has already strayed (and if I''m honest, while you were pregnant? That in my opinion, is low) but if he denies he is being unfaithful; you eventually will need to make a decision as to whether you can continue to live with someone who you believe is not being truthful with you.

Any relationship is based on trust and if that is not there, at some point no matter how much you love him and how much you want it to work, the lack of trust will go a long way to destroying that relationship

I am not advocating you go headlong into divorce as I don''t think you are in "that place" at the moment, but perhaps it may help you to seek counselling - on your own if your husband won''t go with you. Having someone lie to you or even make you feel that what you are hearing, you cannot or do not believe, is deliberating and when someone is constantly telling you you are wrong, eventually you will start to question yourself - gut feelings tell you a lot and if your gut feeling is telling you to check emails, phones, etc; then the likelihood is something is not right.

Once again, welcome and post whenever you need support, go into chat or blog - you will meet friends here who are going through similar and who can offer their experiences.

Kind regards

  • Shoegirl
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23 Jun 12 #338555 by Shoegirl
Reply from Shoegirl
I am sorry to read about your situation. Firstly welcome to wikivorce, a place none of us thought we would ever need.

Unfortunately your situation is something many of us can relate to. the sad fact is that your husbands behaviour indicates that he is having an affair and he has a history of doing this. Believe me I know what it is like to have a serial adulterer for a husband.

Unfortunately, however sad and heartbreaking this is, your husband wants out. His cheating is becoming so blatant he is communicating with this woman in your presence. He is no longer capable of having any regard whatsoever for your welfare and right now you will feel like your heart is being put through a mincer on a daily basis.

You can not do the work for both of you in the relationship. However hard it is and many of us here have faced the appalling journey of letting go.

The way I see it, your husbands behaviour is giving you little choice. To remain in this hell will be very detrimental to your well being. He may be physically in your space but emotionally he left some time ago.

So, my advice as i have been in a similar position. Take control. See a solicior, know your rights and see if he will leave. He''s being awful towards you because he is likely to believe that he can get away with anything. Prove him wrong, you deserve mich better than this.
Dont put up with the scraps he gives you off the table so to speak.

And from someone who did take control away from my adulterous husband let me tell you how it feels 18 months after I got strong and told him where to go after years of tolerating his appalling conduct. It has been the hardest journey I have ever been on. I have had to be very strong and keep going even when my Stbx wavered. I know that my Stbx will not change and I have had to accept that it is his life and he will need to make his own mistakes. I have concentrated on what is best for me.

It gets better and very quickly after he left, just having respite from this awful existence that he subjected me to was better. It took me a long time to move on and not think about where he was and who he was with etc but now life is better, much improved as I don''t have all that worry and stress anymore. I''m free.

No its not what I wanted but my life is just different to what I expected that''s all. Please do the right thing for yourself

Enduring your husbands chaos will only lead to further heartbreak. Time to cut your losses perhaps. For what it is worth, 18months on my husband has not accepted one iota of responsibility for anything and seems to have learned nothing from the marriage breakdown. Sadly, they tend not to change over time.

So know you have support at least here to make changes when you feel ready. There is always someone here to help and support,ceho knows and totally understands what you are going through. Take care x

  • lostlucy
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23 Jun 12 #338590 by lostlucy
Reply from lostlucy
thanks for the messages. I have some dear friends, but only 1 has been through this herself. They all tell me to leave him. He is demanding to see the children for a week alternate weeks,which I dont think they will cope with. He is putting huge demands on my finances, i have previously paid off huge debts of his, which has left me with very little. I had a lump sum from an injury years before i knew him. Due to this injury my health isn''t the best, but i do manage to work part time. He has no idea how to manage his finances, and is always getting into problems. I have got an appointment for a solicitor but not for a couple of weeks, its the earliest i could do with other commitments. I am waiting for counselling, just in the process of organising something. The question that I can not get out is why he doesnt just own up to the lies,his treating me like a fool.

  • Martboy2012
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23 Jun 12 #338631 by Martboy2012
Reply from Martboy2012
Hi lostlucy,
I am so sorry to read your intro and can relate in some way to what you are saying, even though I am a "bloke". I think it is very callous to act like this with you there and have no regards for you presence. My wife (seperated) used to do the same, we would be watching telly and the texts are to and fro, and even though I had a gut feeling, I chose to ignore!!
If your husband owns up, then he is the guilty one, not you!! People like that cannot face their own guilt and will try and pass the blame/guilt on to you. Do NOT accept that!!! You have done nothing wrong, it seems you are being what a supportive wife should and he is NOT acknowledging or appreciating what you are!! To cheat on you whilst you are expecting his child is no kind of man in my world and does not deserve your love or respect!! Your children do, so you have to stay strong for them, as they desrve YOU!!
Sorry, if this appears as a rant, but your words hit a nerve with me :(
You should not have to leave your home, the guilty party should. I am not too sure on the ramifications if you leave legally, your solicitor would know.
You owe it to yourself and your children to lead a happier life. I was told it gets easier with time, I didn''t think this ever could, but SURPRISE - it does.
Think of you, the kids need that!!
I wish you all my best in the times ahead.
Chin up girl!

  • fairylandtime
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23 Jun 12 #338634 by fairylandtime
Reply from fairylandtime
Hi Lostlucy

Sorry you are here, what hit a nerv with me is the finances, protect yourself re these as much as possible.

My x was continually getting "us" into trouble & I use to dive in & sort it all out, again & again living off £40 a week for 4 for everything including school dinners is no easy task but we did it, because ex would spend & I had the Gaul to steel his salary at the end of the month (to pay his bit toward the bills!!!) not food, clothes, Xmas, birthdays, holidays plain bills!

I will apologise now for ranting, but as matboy said hit a nerve there. :)

It does smell like there is at least one ow involved, however, it is totally up to you where you go with this, do not be pushed by anyone & if you can do not leave the house.

Start by keeping yourself busy, looking after yourself & your kids, distanceing yourself from you husband a bit (until you decide what to do), but most of all protecti yourself & your kids financially.

Stay strong JJx

  • Lostboy67
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23 Jun 12 #338672 by Lostboy67
Reply from Lostboy67
Hi Lucy,
Welcome to wiki but sorry you find yourself here.
I''ll tell it to you straight, I don''t really do the ''fluffy'' stuff.
The pattern of behaviour he is displaying points clearly towards the fact that he is having an affair.
Sadly although you want your marriage to succeed it is fairly clear that he doesn''t and that means that there is in reality nothing you can do. While I would always advise against the nightmare of divorce I don''t think you have many options, but don''t rush into it, given your husbands financial weakness you do need to protect yourself. Look around the site to see what you could expect in terms of a settlement and what position that would leave you in.

Take care
Like you ''Lost''Boy

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