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Confused and messed up in the head!

  • Red lamp shade
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25 Jun 12 #338893 by Red lamp shade
Topic started by Red lamp shade
Hello everyone,

My husband left me with our three children to live with a woman in our village (a bit of a tart ) Anyway it''s been about 8 weeks since he moved in with her and her two kids. The affair started sometime in January, and it''s been a living hell.
Since he moved out he continued to be vile to me, much the same as when the affair was going on. I found this site and started taking the excellent advice to do "no contact" unless it is about the children. This seemed to change his behaviour towards me dramatically. He started to be friendly and more polite.
The reason I am posting is because I am now hugely confused: he came round last night to watch the football with our three boys and was trying to be nice to me, pouring me glasses of wine, talking to me in the garden etc.
It has just totally messed with my head, although he was not flirting or making any kind of physical contact, I have found myself back in the stage of thinking about him and wether I can make him come back.
I don''t want to feel like this, he has treated me appallingly, and he is living with this other woman right in my face.
What can I do to protect myself from these thoughts? Am I reading too much into it, maybe he is just being friendly for the boys sake, or maybe he wants me to be agreeable about selling the house...
Anyway has anyone else experienced this kind of thing and how did you deal with it?

  • jslgb
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25 Jun 12 #338895 by jslgb
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Red, we all go through these stages. Its easy for him to justify what he is doing when you arent getting on. When your not in contact and showing him you can do it by yourself he starts to question whether he has made the right decision.

I cant really advise you on how to feel, we all handle it in our own ways and they may not be the best!! All i can say is that the damage is already done. Even if he wanted to come back (you didnt mention if he did or not?) this would always hang over your head. You deserve better than a man who can treat you like this and then rub your nose in it.

You''ll get there, time is a great healer even if it doesnt feel like it now.

All the best xx

  • maisymoos
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25 Jun 12 #338899 by maisymoos
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Hi Red Lamp Shade

His actions will only be to make himself feel better and lessen his guilt. If he thinks he can walk into your home and act like nothings happened he has another thing coming.

My ex wanted the same to come back when it suited to see the children and then vacate to his mistress. He was in his own little selfish world. What did he expect, pleasantries??

This will mess with your head and you do not deserve further torment. You will need to try and sort some other arrangements out for contact.

Good Luck

  • Marshy_
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25 Jun 12 #338912 by Marshy_
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Hi RLS.

I think what has happened is you have short circuited yourself. You have gone from no contact to full on contact. All in a day. And cos you are only 8 weeks in, this has had a profound effect on you.

But this is a lesson to you. You really cant do the none contact thing and then go and have full on contact. This is bound to affect you. So take the lesson. We all have to learn how to deal with the ex''s. And its not by being in the same room as them. Think of him as poison.

Sorry to be so hard on you. I know you thought that you was doing right. But a big sin is to invite the ex in. You have to stay away from him until you get stronger at least. I am sure if he had asked to come back you would have let him at that moment and this would be the worst possible outcome for you. Well at least it answers one question for you. He misses you. Thats clear.

Anyways, a big Marshy (((HUG))) for you. C.

  • Brunswick
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26 Jun 12 #339320 by Brunswick
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You must be strong! Absolutely, no contact and you must not let him drive the agenda. He knows you are weak right now so it suits him to impose his will on you and the children.
Many of us on here have been where you are so please listen to what we are saying it will keep you sane.
You need time to recover emotionally and physically and that will never happen if you have him close to you.
Be strong - no contact. if you need to talk drop me a message.

  • Gloriasurvive
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27 Jun 12 #339425 by Gloriasurvive
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"way hay," he is thinking " this is better than I thought! , got a nice bit of tottie up the road and my missus does not mind."

Well do you mind?

You have been treated appallingly.And he is taking full advantage of your kind nature.

If you had gone off with the village the male tart would he be welcoming you back into the house, sharing wine with you etc? I think not?

He is guilt free as he thinks you don''t mind, he is also keeping you
sweet, his tottie might bore of him, then where would he go?

So do you mind? If you do...stand up for yourself, you deserve respect!

Of course you are in shock, but take sometime out. Send him packing, for now, and reflect on your options. Sound them off on here, everyone cares about you, not him. Loads of experienced, helpful people on here.

No contact is the best option until you get stronger, treat interactions over kids like you would a child minder.

I wish you lots of strength and comfort, it is a hard road, but one worth taking if you learn to love and respect yourself more!
Take care GS x x x

  • Red lamp shade
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27 Jun 12 #339515 by Red lamp shade
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I just can''t stand this anymore!
The lovely, kind man I have been with for 14 years has turned into the most self-centred, selfish bast**d!
Doesn''t care (or understand) that his children have been deeply affected by him moving out and moving straight in with another family, with ours and OW boys in the same class. He was always such a family man, and now he seems blind to his kids distress.

Does not care about how I feel, belives the affair was all my fault, and I feel like I am going mad and maybe it was!

Last night I had to call the police because he started getting verbally aggressive about our house valuations and then he pushed me out of the way and forced his way into the house. Police said as I am paying all the mortgage, household bills and he has no personal belongings in the house I am entitled to refuse him entry, anyone know anything about that?

Also while I am here can anyone give me advice about these house valuations he was so furious about? I have had 6 valuations around £250000 (mortgage £173000)
He is livid, as he thought it was worth more, and when it was valued I pointed out to the agents that we have done work without planning consent (its gonna come up on a survey/convancying)and he thinks I should have not disclosed that information so it got valued higher, so he gets more money for him and OW.

I want to stay in the house with the kids, he is now threatening to go bankrupt to force a sale (of his kids home!!!!!)

What does anyone think the courts would say, I can pay mortgage, bills, etc with the benefits I am now on (business we ran together gone down the tube as a result of his adultry and my subsequent near breakdown)

We have three lovely boys aged 5, 9 and 12
any advice gratfully received, and thankyou all so very much for your wonderful support.

xxxx

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