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Not sure really

  • BaronMitford
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28 Jun 12 #339771 by BaronMitford
Topic started by BaronMitford
Here''s my story, sorry its a bit long.

Been married over 26 years, and for more than 16 years we''ve lived as brother and sister. Wife not bothered about sex and because of that, yes I''m a s***, I''ve had a couple of affairs.

All started going wrong after the birth of our daugther, (2nd child). Known wife several years and been married about 4 years. After daughter was born, I started to be pushed away, no sex, no cuddles no kisses. (Baby blues?). Anyway after about 6 months, I got the feeling I''d “done my duty” and was not required anymore. I told her I was going to leave. She jumped on me (weak) and a third baby was the result. Told her I didn''t want it. Couldn''t afford to leave & things spiralled ever downward. Even thought about running my car off the road many times.

Nothing really improved, but did try two or three times to make a difference. Always the same, things would be fine until we got to bed. She suggested relate, I wasn''t keen, but after another 6 months booked some sessions. 1st three sessions the counsellor couldn''t really see why we were there, then decided to ''explore'' the physical side of the marriage. Upshot, wife said she didn''t want to go anymore, didn''t want to discuss with stranger, wouldn''t discuss with me either. She did however come out with a corker, "I''m not bothered about sex, never been bothered about sex, wouldn''t care if I never had sex again". That was 14 years ago. She spent 9 years in the spare bedroom, but returned to "our" bedroom 3 years ago as “the boys needed some privacy”, (3 children, 4 bedrooms, 5 people).

Talked about divorce about 12 years ago and put the house up for sale, but didn''t sell. Should really have got the whole process going but didn''t at the time. Told her again in November last year that we should separate, but she walks away, goes quiet, then pretends nothing has happened.

I’m now in a position to be about able to afford to leave, but my big problem is the cost of housing and starting again. Not bothered about her. The reason I''ve stayed so long is that I work away a lot, and when I''m away, I don''t have to see/put up with her. Things only go pear shaped at weekends.

Does anyone know if 16 years without sex is grounds for divorce (ub). A solicitor (free half hour) seemed to suggest not as I was still there.

Not quite sure what I expect from anyone here, but prepared for some flak about affairs and being a pillock for staying so long lol. Fear of the future rules at the moment and its spoiling my life.

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28 Jun 12 #339774 by Action
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I think that lack of intimacy and affection could be one of the half a dozen reasons that you need to be able to divorce for UB but I doubt it would be enough on its own.

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28 Jun 12 #339787 by sun flower
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Do you know, I am usually more than willing to jump down the throat of a man whose had affairs - but I really feel for both you and your wife.

Lack of intimacy is soul destroying....I was subject to that for many years (I didn''t have an affair - I tried to get to root of it....not knowing he was seeing someone else) but I know how isolated and unvalued it can make you feel. (Remember isolation was a very effective form of punishment at the beginning of the last century.)

But from your brief description, and I am sorry if I am jumping to conclusions, it sounds as if your wife has not developed problem solving skills....something in her development has made her hide from problems rather than address them. None of us are perfect, and this maybe an over simplification.

I am sorry for you both....and your children, but I do see perhaps the marriage is not working for either of you and is unsalvageable. I don''t often say that......and of course I can''t know.

It''s too easy to play amateur pyschologist and know it all.

I suppose I would ask you to be kind and fair to her. She is probably afraid of the future and unwillling to face it. Can you remain friends ...again something I think does not normally work but it would be great if you could salvage it in your case.

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29 Jun 12 #339804 by sun flower
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having slept on this, I suppose this is my thought. Don''t leave her for someone else.....and make excuses. The situation must have worked in some ways for you. There is a difference in calling a halt, separating your lives with as much care as possible, and leaving for someone else - which rips families apart. Just look at the blogs, the heartache the children go through to confirm this. A third party in the break up of a marriage means you are unlikely to be friends, and your children will feel torn. So dissolving a contract is one thing - cheating and lying is another. I know you''ve had affairs because of the lack of intimacy. But don''t let one of those affairs get in the way of the undoing of the marriage. That is just not fair. I can''t tell you what to do - but as someone who has been left for a third party, I can tell you I don''t know if I will completely get over it, and I have lost my daughter, my ex has lost his son (for now anyway) and the heartache has about killed me. You ex may think she has tried to work at the marriage.

  • Marshy_
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29 Jun 12 #339816 by Marshy_
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scaryclairie wrote:

don''t let one of those affairs get in the way of the undoing of the marriage. That is just not fair.


I have to second what SC has said. Dont let an affair be the cause of your breakup. If you do, you will go from victim to villain in one fell swoop and the kids will more than likely hate you for it. Currently, you hold the moral high ground. I know you have had affairs before but I think you should put those mistakes behind you. An affair will not solve anything and will make the situation far worse.

I have to side with you and say that yes the marriage is over. Although sex is not what I think is a core part of a marriage, it clearly is for you. Also, there is no communication on matters that you think are important.

Yes agree you should have separated 12 years ago.

What I suggest is that this time, you have a chat with yr wife and call time on the relationship. Work out a way forward with her. I would go back to separate rooms again. No more relate or any of that. Whats the point? And go from there.

Separation and divorce is total hell. But do this right and its just pure hell. Not total hell. There is a difference. Good luck and let us know how you get on. C.

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29 Jun 12 #339919 by Action
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I totally agree with Marshy. Please have the courage to discuss this with your wife rather than a 3rd party being involved. One of the reasons for my marriage breakdown was ''lack of conjugal rights'' (ex husband''s terminology not mine!)

I will never forgive my ex for what he did to me. He only came out with how bad he thought our marriage was (31 years) after I finally caught him out. So now, he wants me to believe it was all my fault. There was a problem with differences in libido but I don''t think it was just me to blame. His insistence and emotional bullying, which eventually became sexual abuse (so my counsellor says, I thought it was ''normal''), made me withdraw more and more over the years, to the point that sex made me feel sick. He felt hard done by if it wasn''t every day and made me feel so guilty that I would just give in - it felt easier than arguing about it (an example being less than a week after our second child was born). I still don''t know how much of it was my fault and I do hope, if I am ever lucky enough to find someone who loves and cherishes me for what I am, that I will one day have an enjoyable physical love life. I will never again do things I don''t want to.

Sorry, I''ve gone off the point a bit here but suppose I just needed to offload. Please talk to your wife. It could be that she is not happy either but is not brave enough to face the inevitable. Divorce is no walk in the park but your owe it to each other to be honest and find a way forward that is best for you both.

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02 Jul 12 #340689 by BaronMitford
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Thank you all for your comments and support.

The sex/intimacy is not a ''core'' part of a marriage for me, but it is important. What makes it develop into something bigger is when there is none and there is no end in sight. Then the merest mention of sex or arm around the waist becomes a battle ground. I''m pleased that, unlike Action''s ex I didn''t force the issue, although I often thought that way and felt extremely bitter and even in retrospect, depressed. I even came to the unsubstantiated belief, that perhaps something had happened earlier in life that she didn''t want to talk about. In the end, I just simply gave up caring.

I think SC/Marshy, you are right that I should leave without a 3rd party casting an inevitable shadow.

The difficulty, is simply having to raise the subject yet again. I know with working away so much I have really been using work to hide from reality.

Thank you especially for sharing your past Action. I''m sorry for the way your ex behaved and I''m sure there will be someone out there who will want to love and cherish you for who you are, without that belief, we may as well all simply put up with things the way they are ''knowing'' that there is nothing better.

Early last year, I met a single lady and we became close friends, but as she was single and I was married, she made it very clear it could never be any more than friendship. Sadly, that chapter of my life closed and I know that should I meet anyone else, I would simply be in the same situation again.

I therefore need to find the courage to re-open the conversation of our lack of future. I guess I just needed some external, subjective opinions from someone not involved with me.

Thanks for your help and comments. Wish me luck. I''m sure you know it won''t be an easy conversation.

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