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tried hard for nearly 3 more years but here I am!

  • shyblonde
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30 Jun 12 #340096 by shyblonde
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Hi everyone,
Nearly 3 years ago on the eve of my son''s birthday, I found condoms in my husband''s work bag. After 3 days of lying he finally managed to get to the crux of a sort tale - an emotional affair with a colleague for 2 years plus sex twice and plenty of passionate lunches.

Lots of pain and soul searching followed including much examination of why he had got into this.

Despite promising to break contact with her a year later I found a message him initiating a coffee. Then she hanged jobs and I thought finally we''re free....but no. I have just discovered heis continuing to meet up with her, including abroad. It seems she uses him for help at work and he initiates the social contact. He says there is nothing physical but he just really gets on with her. I think they probably haven''t had sex again but only because she''s not interested. He says he doesn''t need her only me and he''ll break contact etc but I don''t believe him.

So just wondered what you experts would advise someone whose husband makes them desperately unhappy but who is afraid of the damage to children and financial implications of divorce. I feel I have to choose me or the kids, but know I would hate my daughter to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children. My spouse is very nice, helpful charming man. Everyone likes him it''s just me he''s killing! He is very clever and is addicted to attention. Since we had children he finds it hard to share my attention, but he has always formed ''friendships'' with women throughout our 20 years together and I can''t see him ever stopping.

SB

  • Jamsandwiches
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30 Jun 12 #340099 by Jamsandwiches
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Really sorry to hear this has happened to you.

I stayed in my relationship for the children''s sake (both now over 18) but became so unhappy I''m not sure i was the best parent I could of been.

Finances are tough where children are concerned and I fully understand you wish to keep the nest intact.

Have you thought about councelling with your husband? That way you get to express some of your feelings too and a third neutral person could help him to see the pain and hurt he is causing his family.

I would try councelling before you do anything but remember your happiness is very important and your feelings should not be invalidated in any way.

  • jslgb
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30 Jun 12 #340104 by jslgb
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Your implying that its a decision between you and the children, but it really isnt. The children are heavily influenced by you and the longer you stay and more unhappy you become the bigger the effect on them. I would say in the long term it would be more damaging for your children to stay together. Is your marriage the kind of example you wish to set for your children? I certainly know mine wasnt. Children are resilient, sure they will be upset and hurt but what they really need is a mum who is happy and settled and doing the best she can for them.

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30 Jun 12 #340108 by Jamsandwiches
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Sometimes councelling can save a marriage though. I''d say if this lady still has strong feelings for her husband to see if it will help. Councelling can help either party see for the first time what pain they are inflicting on family and want to stop.

I came from a divorced household myself and my mother left when I was 7 I ended up in childrens homes e.t.c while it was getting sorted out. In hindsight I would say I did the right thing to stay as both my children have now been through college alsp confident, happy people.

Like this lady I was trying to spare my children the raw pain of a divorce. It is a double edged sword but also selfless to stay. i think this lady wants to keep the nest together, and noone can deny it becomes a terrible financial struggle to be a single mother, lose home e.t.c..terrible upheaval..she is just trying to weigh up what pain will be caused

I feel it depends on the situation ie: physical violence, get out immediately..

Evey case is so different but if people can, save your marriage if you can turn it around to be a happy one..

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30 Jun 12 #340119 by jslgb
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Your right, counselling can be a big help and if it works thats fantastic. If there is a chance for that then go for it.

I was merely picking up on the ''desperately unhappy'' comment in the original post. I personally dont agree with staying for the sake of the children. It can be detrimental to a persons health and well being. You said yourself you thought it impacted the parent you were.

I wont lie, being a single parent is damn hard work and finances are tough. I didnt have a choice when my marriage ended, as many didnt. But we brush ourselves off, do what we can and carry on. Its not the end of the world!! :-D

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30 Jun 12 #340120 by sillywoman
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I stayed with a lying cheating husband who said he would change yah yah yah. I did it because I knew he would not pay maintenance and cause no end of grief.

However, middle daughter said I did the wrong thing and yep if I could have managed as a single mum of 3 financially I would have left like a shot.

I finally divorced him after his last dalliance and as predicted he caused me no end of grief with money, but I have a girl just finished uni and in a good job, one in her second year at uni and one just finished gcses.

He pays csa for youngest through an attachment of earnings and chooses not to see the girls.

He is still with the "last" woman as I wouldnt have him back.

Do I wish I had left years ago, yes I do.

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30 Jun 12 #340121 by Jamsandwiches
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Well, I''m highly critical of myself yet both my children quote me as being a great parent. But thanks for pointing that out

I put them first and was selfless. They had a nice home to live in, a father around who doted on them e.t.c..

but like I sat it is a double edged sword and kids react in so many different ways. I could of equally met a man who was worse than my first husand..Yes, I had a step parent! Hand on heart I think I stayed because of the emotional damage inflicted on me as a kid. Nothing like that has affected mine (maybe from staying in m) but each case is different. I tried my best, always thinking of the children and was the best parent I could be in the circumstances.Friends and family thought i did a great job, I''m just worried I might not havein some way.. noone should judge anyone without the full facts. Thanks

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