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How long does this awfulness last?

  • Red lamp shade
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03 Jul 12 #340816 by Red lamp shade
Topic started by Red lamp shade
I need a bit of emotional support....
So husband of 14 years had an affair, found out in January, he left at the end of April to move in with her. Its a horrible sitution as we live in a small village and they are living just down the road and our kids go to the same school, and I have to see this awful woman who broke up my family on a regular basis.
STBX is being a nightmare, not given any money for the children (have now got csa onto him) and has just gone out and brought himself and OW a caravan, in full view of my kids. He just struts around like he owns the place, turns up up to an hour late whenever he sees the kids and seems to think everything his does is completly acceptable. I am struggling with the cost of house and feeding the children, while he is just buying new shirts and whatever he fancies!
in addition the company we ran together has gone bust and he has just walked away from the mess that has been left behind.
My friends keep telling me I am going to be fine, meet someone else etc, but I just feel so black and hopeless which is not my natural state. When does the nightmare end?
I have filed for divorce, but he is not cooporating or answering his solisitors letters.
Any advice support gratfully received! xxx

  • pixy
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03 Jul 12 #340818 by pixy
Reply from pixy
How long is a piece of string? It takes as long as it takes and given that he''s not only nearby but throwing it in your face it might take a lot longer than you bargain for.

Divorce is worse than bereavement - and any one will tell ou that a bereavement can take 1-3 years to get over.

I don''t mean this to be dispiriting, though I know it sounds like it. The thing is that your upset shows you to be the more caring better person, the one with deeper feelings. Allow yourself time to be angry, to mourn. It really will get better but only a tiny bit at a time. In 6 months time you will look back and be amazed at how far you have come but while you are on the journey it will often feel as though you have made no progress at all because all the steps are so tiny.

Stay strong, you can do this. ((()))

  • Martboy2012
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03 Jul 12 #340826 by Martboy2012
Reply from Martboy2012

Sorry to hear you are feeling so down! This is a question I have often asked myself and it is not easily answerable - I can only tell you that I am four months into a separation and week 16 is easier than week 12 and that was easier than week 8 and so forth!
You should allow yourself to go through all the emotions, sadness, anger, and little by little you will become stronger, it won''t be evident at the time, but it will become apparent when you look back to the early days of this. I did not believe this myself and all I could see was a very "black" future with no return and NO choice in this matter.
I can honestly say that after being away from the "wife" for this long and after twenty fours years, was the grief and c**p of the final two years worth this way of feeling, mental health issues, AD tablets etc.. Your attitude to this will change, albeit minutely at first, and probably with no perceivable recognition of the fact, but it will..
Go girl and show him that you are the STRONGER one in this and do not need his s***e any longer, be this for your kids!
Chin up RLS ;)
PS This is more for support rather than advice,as I have yet to face my nemesis :unsure:

  • sillywoman
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03 Jul 12 #340831 by sillywoman
Reply from sillywoman
Two years since I wouldnt have my ex back after the last affair (so he is back with her). First year and a bit difficult, now although I am skint, I am so grateful I do not see him, hear from him or about him. So I do understand your predicament.

All I can suggest is that you consider eventually moving out of the village.

What goes around comes around, so dont be surprised if his fandabidosi life ends - but by then you really wont be bothered.

  • Marshy_
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03 Jul 12 #340845 by Marshy_
Reply from Marshy_
Hi RLS. As others have said, this could take some time. Problem you have is that you meet at the school and you live near to them.

On the plus side, they will feel the same way about you. Its always nice being a thorn in someones side when in a situ like this ;)

Ok what todo...

I wouldnt cower and avoid them. Thats for sure. U havent done anything wrong and you have nothing to be ashamed off. I would hold yr head high and just blank them. Act as if they dont exist. If somone asks, just say you dont know who they are talking about. That person you married? Just vanished...

I moved to get away from my ex. And being honest, it was a good idea. Not that I was scared of the gang of 4. I just didnt like the idea that they were in the same area as me. So yes I did move. Now when I go out, there is no chance of bumping into them. And if I was p!ssed up, I am not sure what I would do if I saw them. So its for the best. And I think ultimatly it will be the best for you. But for now, keep that chin up. You have done nothing wrong. And you have earned a Green star with a red tick and a Marshy ((((HUG)))) for being brave :PC.

  • yellowrose
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03 Jul 12 #340856 by yellowrose
Reply from yellowrose
Dear RLS
I feel for you so acutely. The b.....d I was married to only lives down the road too. Luckily I don''t have to meet at the school gate, but I live in fear of seeing them every time I go out. Like Marshy I''m not sure what I would do if I saw them and had been drinking.
Anyway, a year ago I hid away, cried constantly, trembled uncontrollably, didn''t eat, didn''t sleep - in short I was a complete wreck. He has been just as you describe. With the wonderful support of my friends, the people on here and yes AD''s and counselling I am now in a much better place. I still have black times but I recover much more quickly.
Let your grief through. Don''t expect anything to happen quickly. Be proud that you are better than both of them and always will be and look here when you feel you can''t cope anymore. Someone will always be around to prop you up.

Lots of love


  • Red lamp shade
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03 Jul 12 #340929 by Red lamp shade
Reply from Red lamp shade
Thank you pixy, silly, marsh, yellow, matt and the rest of you. Christ, what would we do without wiki??! Xxxx

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