A well respected, award winning social enterprise
Volunteer run - Government and charity funded
We help 50,000 people a year through divorce

01202 805020

Lines open: Monday to Friday 9am-5pm
Call for FREE expert advice & service info


What are we each entitled to in our divorce settlement?

What does the law say about how to split the house, how to share pensions and other assets, and how much maintenance is payable.

What steps can we take to reach a fair agreement?

The four basic steps to reaching an agreement on divorce finances are: disclosure, getting advice, negotiating and implementing a Consent Order.

What is a Consent Order and why do we need one?

A Consent Order is a legally binding document that finalises a divorcing couple's agreement on property, pensions and other assets.


Do you need help sorting out a fair financial settlement?

Our consultant service offers expert advice and support to help you reach agreement on a fair financial settlement quickly, and for less than a quarter of the cost of using a traditional high street solicitor.


this is crap- I feel so lost an alone

  • onedaymaybe
  • onedaymaybe's Avatar Posted by
  • Senior Member
  • Senior Member
More
03 Jul 12 #340937 by onedaymaybe
Topic started by onedaymaybe
So three months ago I woke up happy and went to sleep feeling like my husband had died. My world fell apart because he was living two lifes- a horrible secret that I can''t even talk about which included one night stands. He is now calling it ''sexual additiction''and he''s in therapy, taking time out at his parents and I''m here dealing with the day to day, looking after 3 children, the house, working full time and all the while falling apart inside because I don''t understand why his ''I love yous'' don''t mean what mine meant!
Bloody hell! I''m so lonely and lost and why? what the hell did I do wrong....nothing he tells me ''you''re perfect'' - fat lot of good that does!!!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaa

  • Lostboy67
  • Lostboy67's Avatar
  • Moderator
  • Moderator
More
03 Jul 12 #340946 by Lostboy67
Reply from Lostboy67
Hi,
I am sorry to say that I am of the opinion that

''sexual additiction''and he''s in therapy

is one of those bullsh!t classics he is painting himself as a victim.

He was probably living that double life because he thought it would remain secret and he could get away with it.

You did nothing wrong, you were not the one leading a double-life, unfortunatly you are the one who has their life shattered and has to put it back together again.

When he says ''you''re perfect'' the chances are that means "You''re a perfect fallback plan"

Three months in is still early days and you are still dealing with the shock of the situation and sudden revelation that what you thought was a happy life together was a lie, *his lie* not yours.

Is your marriage over? some people can forgive some can''t, its just how you are, me I could never forgive the trust required for a marriage for me was gone.
Try not to have contact with him unless neccessary, which means only regarding children and contact. Don''t ask him why, its a waste of time, chances are if you do get answers they will be lies.

When you are feeling a little stronger try to work out where you stand exactly in terms of a settlement and what future you could have.

If you are feeling lonely try checking into Chat in the evenings, there''s usually someone there to chat to.

Take care
LB

  • sillywoman
  • sillywoman's Avatar
  • User is blocked
  • User is blocked
More
03 Jul 12 #340952 by sillywoman
Reply from sillywoman
My ex said the same - "you are perfect in every way". So why sleep with anyone and everyone you can, because "I can". Well, you bloody can''t and now you are out!

My ex said the reason he slept with other women was because he was afraid that one day would leave him and he needed to know he was attractive to women and would be able to get another one when the day came. Utter rot!

My ex slept with other women because he was a police officer and women were attracted to his uniform, but for some weird reason he really thought they fancied him!

Anyway, yep eventually I didn''t have him back after the last encounter and now he is with his last conqest, but its all my fault! According to him I should have divorced him years ago when I suppose he had losts more opportunity - now he is stuck!

So, yeah its alot of bullshit about a sexual addiction. Your ex, like mine, had the opportunity of sex with other women and basically in a nutshell, he took the opportunity.

  • freefalling
  • freefalling's Avatar
  • Elite Member
  • Elite Member
More
04 Jul 12 #340977 by freefalling
Reply from freefalling
I agree with other posters...sexual addiction ...Bullsh*t!!!

But I can prescribe a cure - it''s called "keep it in your pants or keep your knickers on"!!!!!
Take care....stay strong...

  • Shoegirl
  • Shoegirl's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
04 Jul 12 #340979 by Shoegirl
Reply from Shoegirl
I have been on wiki for some time and found some interesting points of view not always entirely in keeping with my own. Thats the value of different perspectives.

However, I would ask the posters who are claiming sex addiction does not exist to actually consider whether their judgment is based on actual experience. I''d ask whether they had come to their view based on proper consideration of the research and facts rather than ignorance or predjudice.

Have they read the work of Dr Patrick Carnes in considering their views? Have they asked the original poster if her spouse is getting support from a CSAT therapist? Do you know what any of that is before making your judgment?

Compulsive and out of control behaviour can exist with food and all manner of things. Sexual addiction is not an excuse for adultery. There is no excuse for that actually. It can however, for some, be a reason.

To the OP I will be back later to post something about this problem as I have to go to work. I could not however leave the house without adding some balance into this post.

  • freefalling
  • freefalling's Avatar
  • Elite Member
  • Elite Member
More
04 Jul 12 #340991 by freefalling
Reply from freefalling
Shoegirl, yes sexual addicts exist but not every cheating spouse has this condition. Some spouses get caught and use this as a'' cop out''.

If one genuinely suffers from sexual addiction it involves more than just a couple of affairs and one of the treatments is temporary abstinence.

"keep it in your pants, keep your knickers on" still stands.

  • Shoegirl
  • Shoegirl's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
04 Jul 12 #340993 by Shoegirl
Reply from Shoegirl
Agreed that these circumstances don''t apply to every circumstance hence my question to the OP on the therapist.

It''s important not to say that sex addiction is an excuse, I think I was clear on that. For those who have sexual compusivity issues the treatment is long and complex, the abstinence you refer to is the tip of a very large iceberg.

To the OP I will respond later tonight with some additional comments. For now take care. You are not alone ((()))

Moderators: wikivorce teamrubytuesdaydukeyhadenoughnowTetsSheziLinda SheridanForsetiMitchumWhiteRoseLostboy67WYSPECIALBubblegum11