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Hello everybody Never saw this coming..

  • adi1467
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04 Jul 12 #341131 by adi1467
Topic started by adi1467
Hello All
not sure where to start except both 43 been together since we was 16 yrs old and married for 22 yrs this year with sadly no kids
long story short version because it still so upsetting even to type
boy meets girl playground stuff boy asks girl to marry spend many years travelling around the world in forces happy together
boy girl settles down into the real world and has another 14 yrs of ups and downs like other married couples ,then one day girl tells boy she loves him but not in love with him .
boy struggling to come to terms with this and begs to relocate so she can be closer to her family and try to make it work .girls adamit NO.no reasons no chance of talking thats it end of .
Girl then informs boy that shes madly in love with another bloke from the past she hasnt seen since shes was 16 .Never has anyone knocked me to the floor like she just has done.
im in so much pain and confusion still loving this girl my girl whats shes doing and how shes doing it ,and to think she is still under this roof .because she in moving 200 miles away we needed to get thinhs sorted quickly but this so hard one foot wants to kick her out and the other begging that this is just an horrible nightmare ,im being left with the mortgage household bills, car finance and credit card bills yes i can pay them all monthly but left with nothing to live off ,she doesnt even have a job ,and the bloke shes running off to as two ex wifes and seven children to think about and support.so after working so hard to have this house and a wonderful caring wife whom i thought we will grow old together is on the brink of leaving this house forever, im numb angry, confused lost and running on empty cannot get around to eating very much even sleeping tables from doctor are not working head awashed with some many emotions since she informed me 2 weeks ago. I asked question about where its gone wrong from both sides and still no answers to help understand what has gone wrong so many questions so many feelings but only silence and cold treatment from her understand that thats its not just about me here, she also clearly has issues here but not able to get much in the way of answers without anger and frustration in both our words,we would like to end this as best we possibly could as theres still 2 weeks before she leaves but everynight the tension builds and i can see whats going to happen here. not the ending of my story i would have choosen..for me and my girl

  • happyagain
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04 Jul 12 #341143 by happyagain
Reply from happyagain
Hi adi.
Don''t worry, lots of us on here understand what you are going through and can feel your pain. Believe me, I know what you are going through. Some wikis hav been through this more recently than I have and you might find some comfort in reading their blogs (samchik and lostonthesofa spring to mind).
But just because she is in a hurry to move on, doesn''t mean you have to. Don''t make any decisions whilst you are so raw as they will almost certainly not be best for you in the long run. She can''t force you to give her anything either, and until you are divorced all debts and assets are considered joint.
The best advice I can give you is to withdraw from her and the situation. Even if you are desperate for a hug, walk past her. It will put her on the back foot and it will help you to manage emotionally.
Take care


  • afonleas
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04 Jul 12 #341150 by afonleas
Reply from afonleas
Not a lot I can say!! just feel so desperatly
sorry for you in this god awful situation that you now find yourself in.
All of us here are or have been in very similar situation and feel total empathy for you,only advice i can give is look after yourself,try to sleep( i know that one is hard )maintain a sense of dignity but above all remember this isnot your fault.
I''m 8 months in and getting better everyday,so some light eventually will come and shine through!!!

Take care of yourself
Luv and cwtchs .....................Afonxx

  • livinginhope
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04 Jul 12 #341152 by livinginhope
Reply from livinginhope
It''s all so sad and I''m sure she will probably live to regret it but that is her problem not yours.Try as much as possible to look after yourself and if you have a support system do use it,don''t try and go it alone.Use this Forum for help and support and you won''t feel quite so alone.
There will be a new life ahead of you when you are ready to take it but I know that is difficult to imagine when your world has been shattered.

  • leftwondering
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04 Jul 12 #341157 by leftwondering
Reply from leftwondering
Hi adi,

It''s truly horrible, isn''t it?
When the one person in life you thought would never let you down...does.

It''s incredibly difficult to grasp and get your head around that this person who was your lover, best friend and soul mate for life, no longer wants anything to do with you, but is so completely in love with another that they will completely throw a switch in their head and want rid of you as soon as possible.
The more you try to reason, or ask for any kind of rational explanation, you are treated like an annoying fly buzzing around their head on a hot summer''s day.

All your joint memories which meant so much to you are now trivialized and of no importance to them.

You have truly and utterly been trashed.

You have most likely been trashed, not through any fault of your own, but because of changes that have occurred in your partner''s psyche over time.

Often these changes are very personal, secret, so they will not even reveal these thoughts to you, their trusted partner.

No, they slowly go into a secret world in their own head and it is at that time, if you are vigilant (which most of us are not on a normal day to day basis) you will notice some changes to your partner''s behaviour or routine. Spending more time on the computer..texting "friends" on a more frequent basis than before...getting irritated if you enquire too much about anything...

It amazes me, that nobody has read "The Cheater''s Guide", but it seems to be inbuilt into the human brain package, for the same stuff comes out in the same way in practically every instance.

Read through the posts and blogs on this site to confirm this.

IMO once this curse befalls upon your marriage, there sadly is no going back.

This is terminal to any marriage, no matter how hard you try to save it.

The trust has gone and it will NEVER be the same again...ever.

I''m sure, like me, you will think that somehow it''s "different" between you, that your love for each other was "special" and "different" somehow.

I think everybody believes this.

Only through reading through this site will you realize that this horrible "marriage disease" is so much more common than you''d ever have thought and follows the same symptoms and prognosis.

It''s bloody hard to deal with and a lot of us at the beginning, shock phase, have even entertained the prospect of ending it all...but that feeling, you''ll find is very common too.

I''m practically a year through this and even though I am functioning better, my whole world has been turned upside down and I am still completely disorientated by it all.

But as you will see, others have got through this and found themselves and happiness again and those dark days have been put in the past.

Wishing you strength and luck.


  • Lostboy67
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04 Jul 12 #341186 by Lostboy67
Reply from Lostboy67
Hi Adi,
Welcome to wiki, but sorry you find yourself here.
If this is a recent event then you need time to get your head around the situation, it takes time but eventually things will get better, sorry I can''t tell you when but it will.
For the moment you need to focus on yourself and keeping things together as best you can, so sleeping and eating are very important.

Don''t feel the need to rush into any descision quickly. If your mortgage is repayment it would be worth contacting the lender and seeing if you can go interest only, and register a marital dispute with them. If you have joint accounts and she isn''t one step ahead of you either empty them or have them suspended so money can''t be taken out of them


  • Now Gone From Wiki
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04 Jul 12 #341229 by Now Gone From Wiki
Reply from Now Gone From Wiki
Not much I can add to this as I am in nearly the same place at present. All the best for the future and I hope we both find comfort from this site.

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