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All this pain, and nobody to turn to.

  • adi1467
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08 Jul 12 #341965 by adi1467
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Hi Jeff
cannot offer much in the way of advice
reading your post is the same as my situation without the children and i can honestly say i know like the others on here what you are going through,but with these friends on here and friends family of our own we must come through to the other side easy said than done. im into a 2 week closedown of my world as i knew it and got to wait until the 20th of july until she will leave the house for good,but since ive found this forum it has helped where family cannot.

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08 Jul 12 #342000 by hawaythelads
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Hi jeff
you are in exactly the same position as all blokes who get fecked out of their lives when the misus calls time on the marriage.
You lose living with your kids your wife your home that youve worked your bollocks off for.all of a sudden you get shafted because shes scewing a new bloke.i know youll say theres no one else involved but trust me their will be.
Once its gone its gone dont beg dont blame yourself shes just used you up onto astures new with a free house child maintenace and a shedoad of benefits while shacked up with the new fella.
you wont be the first wont be the last

All the best

Pete

  • Brunswick
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09 Jul 12 #342028 by Brunswick
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Morning Jeff,

Just over 3yrs ago my wife did something very similar. We had been married for over 20yrs and had two beautiful boy''s who are now almost 18.
My wife presented me with the same excuses for moving on and like you I was devestated. However, it did not take long for me to discover my wife had met someone else. All of us on this forum have similar stories so please keep posting as you will get greay advice and support.
Right now, you are in shock. You are about to enter the most stressful thing you will ever experience but stay calm and do not do anything silly.
Ultimately, my wife moved out to be with him and left me with the boys. I do not know enough about your situation but perhaps I can offer some real-life experience and advice. Most importantly of all (and it is true) despite the "mess" you find yourself in it will and does get better:

1. Stay calm and put the children first.
2.Let the emotions come as you cannot control them.
3. Face up to the prospect that your wife is probably having an affair.
4. Do not let her make the agenda.
5. If you think counselling could work go for it.
6. Do not move out or bow to any of her demands.
7. Get some early legal advice, however difficult that will be for you.
8 Use this forum.
9.Watch out for any money being moved from bank accounts.
10.Do not do anything silly!

This will be a long journey for you but it does get better.

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09 Jul 12 #342077 by Red lamp shade
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Hello Jeff,

My husband of 14 years came home at the end of January from spending a weekend with a single mum at my kids school and told me he was in love with her and leaving me.
The shock was like nothing on earth, the pain and mental torment was unbearable, I wanted to die. I begged him to stay, to change his mind, and for three months he pretended to work at the marriage and family. Unknown to me he carried on seeing her, eventually he moved in with her and her kids at the end of April.
I understand your pain and I know that you would do anything to save your marriage, and that is completely natural. However if I could go back in time I would have kicked him out there and then. If there is someone else involved, (and there may not be) then she will have already made up her mind at this time.
Unless she is the main carer of the children then she should leave NOT you! Make it very clear to her you are not just going to roll over and give her everything. It''s your house, you have worked hard for it. They are your kids, fight for them. Tell her you are going to go for at least 50:50 with the kids and that you have no intention of moving out.
I only joined this brilliant site a few weeks ago, but the support is awesome. But one sad story I see over and over is the woman does the dirty and still gets the house, kids, money etc.
Do not let that happen to you. Stay in the house and get some legal advise ASAP.
I really feel for you, it''s such an awful thing to go through and my heart goes out to you. But you have got to look after yourself and protect your assets too. You are in a state of deep shock, and I understand that, but please don''t do anything silly, don''t move out and see a solisitor pronto.
Come on this site whenever you need support.
Best wishes
Red

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09 Jul 12 #342101 by Linx
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Hi Jeff!

I wish you had no need to be here with us but given what you are going through, it is a good place to be. It has been a source of comfort for me as I meander through my separation after 20 yrs of marriage, loss of contact from two kids, redundancy and loss of home all within a couple of weeks last year. These days it is even tougher for men. But you are in a good place.

I fell into that pitch black, endless tunnel in Septmber last year and I have been falling since...all alone. My only respite is when I log into Wikivorce. It is the only forum where I truely feel at home. I am now reaching some sort of equilibrium in my new life, not very familiar but manageable.

Since then I have recommended Wiki to other poor soles who are experiencing this horror and they feel the same. Please continue using it as you are doing.

Use this sight to reach out, to seek information/ advice - you get tons of good advice AT NO LEGAL COST, or to read other experiences - it helps to know that you are not alone. Oh yes, don''t forget Help, it could prove very useful.

We are here for you!
Linx

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10 Jul 12 #342203 by Canuck425
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Hi,

Here is my stock advice for new people. I agree with Pete that there is likely another man in the picture. The "I don''t find you attractive anymore" has been heard too many times on this board and it is always code for "I''m having an affair".

*************


1. Get support. I talked to a LOT of people but I was very careful who I told what to. Most people were so ready to support me which was awesome but the ones that knew both of us really didn''t want to get into the details. I was very specific with the kind of support I needed from different individuals. From some I needed to have a laugh. From others I needed them to listen. From others still I needed their opinion. Others I needed them to feed me. etc. The key for me was to talk, talk, talk. I have probably talked to a hundred people that have been through something similar. Understanding that there is a script to these things was quite eye opening to me. Knowing that the leaver will deny, blame and justify helped me. Knowing that a lot of the garbage that comes out of their mouths not only is not true but has no basis in reality helped as well.

2. Get away. As soon as I was healthy enough I went away on a trip to the sun. Soon after that I went away again to visit family and childhood friends. This was very, very good. Just get away for a few days even. Get some space. I like long drives and have done a few solo trips with 6+ hour drives through the mountains. Getting away like that brings me back to my 20s and is very healing for me.

3. Don''t beg, it is as pathetic as it sounds. I had a few bad moments when I was begging her to reconsider. It was pathetic. When she was in the "fantasy bubble" as I like to call it there is no reason that will be considered. You have to realise at that moment, in their minds, everything is going to be amazing. They''ve never been this happy. Never. So let it go. The fantasy will wear off eventually and then you can see where you are.

4. Take care of you. This is the biggest one. Be kind and patient with yourself. Put yourself first. Really first. Not your kids, but you. It''s like on the airplane when they say put the oxygen mask on you first. You have to take care of you then you will be fit enough to take care of others in your life. This will take time and a lot of hard work. It''s worth it. Why? Because you''re worth it. You. Can you commit to taking care of you? This is a very new concept for so many people. Can you truly love yourself? Can you look into yourself and see a person of value? A person worthy of love?

5. Know that you''ll be more than ok. You''ll be awesome. Honest. The future is not yet written and you have a huge hand in it. The best path forward is making your life great.

Another interesting thing I learned is that the stories are not particularly unique. In fact, the more I talk to others that have been through this, the more the stories are all so sickeningly similar. Honestly, I have not truly moved on but I am doing ok. I have learned a ton about myself and the type of person I am. I have looked deeply into myself and started to understand my role in all of this. Why did I allow myself to be treated so poorly? How did the total breakdown in communication contribute to the environment? I think you move on, if that is even the right phrase, by doing the work on you. What was your role? Who are you and who do you want to be?

One more thing. Stop reading so many books on this subject. Get out and have more fun! This is your life and you get to choose what happens next! Commit to being awesome.

I have no doubt that I am going to come through this stronger. That is my 100% commitment to myself.

Take good care of you!

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