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54 and on the shelf

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15 Jul 12 #343179 by sprat
Topic started by sprat
After over 30 years of marriage my dh decided he wanted us to separate. He moved out three months ago leaving me devastated. There is no third party involved, he just thinks our marriage is over. I knew we were not getting on, but never expected this. The future seems really scary, any advce, please?

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15 Jul 12 #343189 by Crumpled
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hi im so sorry you are having to post on here but you will get lots of support and advice a lot of us are in a similar situation to yourself so you are not alone although you may feel that way at the moment.
it is early days for you and i imagine you are still in shock it is so awful .
take a breath and remember to take care of yourself i know this is easier said than done.
would your husband go to counselling with you? there are some very good couples counsellors out there?
lots of love

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15 Jul 12 #343223 by livinginhope
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Hi,really sorry to hear what has happened to you.At present you are still reeling from the shock of your husband leaving and are unable to imagine a happy future for yourself,hence your 54 on the shelf introduction,54 is not old and it is possible to have a great life ahead of you.
Try to take care of yourself ,get out and see friends and family if possible,take some exercise and concentrate on getting through each day as best as you can.xxxx

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15 Jul 12 #343331 by sprat
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Thanks for your replies. I have plenty of support from family, friends & work colleagues, but it is not the same. I always thought we''d grow old together.

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16 Jul 12 #343340 by sun flower
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I just thought I would add my ''hello and I am sorry you are here'' message.

As ever, I strongly recommend the book ''runaway husbands'' by vikki stark. (amazon).

As for surviving this - somehow we do....I doubt we will ever be the same again, but we will cobble together a life that will be ok...but I''m not going to lie, it''s a difficult and painful process....but the people on wiki are wonderful.. they have held my hand and picked up the pieces for me along the way, and they will do the same for you if you wish it.

Hang on - our life is not over - it is just different....and eventually (and some days I even believe this) the future is not scary, but liberating....hang on. sc

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16 Jul 12 #343360 by revenge
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I started to write a diary everyday. I struggled to get all the words on the page even though my writing was tiny. Gradually my writing became normal size and to date I haven''t written in it for around 3 weeks. It shows me how far I have come from those early days.it doesn''t take away the pain and the fact I miss him, but it makes me realise the husband I had for years wasn''t the one who walked out on our marriage and our plans for the future. I haven''t seen my husband for months he communicates by email this is painfully for me but on the other hand it is less painful then seeing him and hearing his voice. He recently emailed asking for an inventory of the furniture, utensils etc in the marital home now that actually made me realise how pathetic he''s become, if he can''t remember what''s in the MH after leaving it 15 months ago then I certainly won''t be giving him a list. He only took clothes when he left and has managed without anything else since. Take strength for others and don''t do what I did waiting for my husband to make all the decisions on finances etc, take control and show him your a strong person. I keep telling myself it will pass, and I try not to panic about things I know I can''t do anything about.

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16 Jul 12 #343622 by sprat
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Yes, I''m pretending to him that I''m being strong, by coping on my own. He has wanted to leave for a long time but as I''m a depression sufferer he was scared to leave me. Eventually I realised that his unhappiness was getting me down so I just said go, now!
At first I did nothing but cry, then I realised that it wasn''t too bad living alone. All the arguments & silences stopped, and I could please myself what I did.
Now people think I''m ok & coping very well, but I am so desperately lonely.
I still see him regularly, he bought a house not far away, and wants us to remain friends. He even asked me out for our birthdays & wedding anniversary. I refused cos I couldn''t cope with sitting in a restaurant with him knowing he no longer wants me.

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