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54 and on the shelf

  • taff45
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17 Jul 12 #343892 by taff45
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Hi

Just wanted to share and say I am in a very similar situation to you and understand how hard this is for you. My husband told me recently he no longer loved me and wanted our marriage to end.I was devastated and still am. Reading what everyone has posted here has helped.

I have started to write a diary and this helps me sort out things in my head. I am also trying to focus on how life can be good without him but letting go is hard.

Keep on posting, take it one day at a time and be kind to yourself. If you can try and find some new interests. This is something I am trying to do, build a new life for me. I am determined that out of this I will build a new life and be happy again.

  • sprat
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17 Jul 12 #343912 by sprat
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Hi taff, sorry you''re in the same position as me.
It''s the little things that hurt. Like I still don''t want to stop wearing my wedding ring ( he still wears his ). I can''t refer to him as my ex, I still call him my husband.
I know I will have to let go, but it still seems too soon.
I don''t even know if we will divorce, that has never been dicussed. I''m not even sure if we need to get divorced. What are the benefits of this as opposed to just living separately ?
I feel as though I''m living in limbo, and that I should be doing something, but since the initial trauma of him leaving nothing seems to be happening now. There''s just a sense of emptyness. Is this normal?

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18 Jul 12 #343961 by taff45
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I am learning and very new to all this. Reading all the posts here has really helped me. Seeing that there are others in the same situation and realising I am not alone in what I am going through. Hopefully this is helping you too.

My husband and I are in the early stages of deciding to separate and he hasn`t actually left yet but I think he is going to move in with a friend soon so that going to be hard. I can only imagine how hard at the moment but am trying to hang on to the fact that if he dosen`t love me this isn`t going to work. I have to therefore find a future without him, and like you this is so hard because I thought we would grow old together.

I cant say if the feeling of emptiness is normal because I havent got there yet. I am just trying to take one day at a time. Reading posts on this site is giving me hope that I can have a future without him but getting there is incredibly hard.

Sending you hugs and hope, keep posting.

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18 Jul 12 #344127 by sprat
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Hi Taff,
It must be very hard for you, knowing that your husband wants to leave, but is still with you at the moment.
My husband told me he was leaving me for a younger woman about five years ago. I had absolutely no idea anything was wrong at that time. He said he thought I no longer loved him. Anyway, we patched things up & the younger woman eventually disappeared off the scene.
For the last five years our relationship got worse. We hardly ever saw each other. He got a job working evenings & I work days. If we were together we hardly spoke. I felt lonely even though we were still together. My husband never told me what he was thinking because he says he doesn''t like to upset me.
Now he''s gone the strain of ''walking on eggshells'' has gone with him. He still wants us to be friends, but I feel too hurt to be friendly with him. Yet when I see him my heart melts & I get really upset. He has lost weight & looks terrible & I actually feel sorry for him. But the wicked side of me thinks ''good, it serves you right''
I know you still have children living at home with you Taff, so you will have to find the strength to carry on, for their sake. I have had a lovely day today with my little grandaughters - just wish they weren''t an hours drive away:(

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19 Jul 12 #344142 by Margot123
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Hi Sprat,

54 is not old at all!!! My mother who divorced my dad in 1978 only re-maried in 2000 at the age of 60!! She had only met him about a year or so earlier. And although she is a very private person and I ever got introduce to a few men as "boyfriends" over the many years she was single (3 that I remember as they were very long term), I know she has had many more...although she would never admit it! :laugh:

Just like others, when I separated, and it was my choice after over 20 yrs of which 18 were very lonely (stayed for my son who was a...surprise...), I tried all sorts of things....a kind of diary but I only entered positives things, as trivial as "it''s sunny" to anything that made me feel happy...good things happening to friends and familly etc... I also tried meditation - and this is still helping me now - ... and try to go out at every possible occasion, which I still do too.

Good luck ((()))

Cx

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19 Jul 12 #344226 by sprat
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Hi CCC,
I think I was feeling sorry for myself when I first joined this forum. Life is not really that bad.
Had a good day at work today - got two big weddings this weekend. Working as a florist is really uplifting & I try not to be cynical when meeting all the prospective brides & grooms.
I bought a cross-trainer to work off my pent up emotions. The benefit of this being that I am much slimmer & feel better about myself.
At the moment I am not looking for a replacement partner, can''t imagine being with anyone else.
I was always dreading being an empty - nester but didn''t think that once the kids had left, the husband would go too. I look out for my 81 yr old Mum who has early stage Alzheimers, and my sister lives close by, so I do have family still around.
sprat x

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