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Hello I''m new!

  • vickyvb
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16 Jul 12 #343588 by vickyvb
Topic started by vickyvb
So the question is...what now?

My husband of 14 years left 6 weeks ago. He left me and our beautiful child to return to his land, South Africa. All of this after contracting debts of over 30k (without me knowing!) and after I tried everything including using savings and borrowing more money on the mortgage to try and help him and us out of the mess he had put us in. As he was so "depressed" I organised a holiday for him in South Africa and when he returned he just told me he didn''t want to live in England anymore as it is such a horrible and depressing place and that this country had ruined our marriage! He left four weeks later, no regrets, no apology, no shame
I am still in shock and cannot believe the man I married could do such a thing to me and to our son. Will I ever be happy again? Every morning I wake up and for a split second I think it''s all a horrible dream but then I realise it''s not a dream but my life now. Does it get better??? will I ever recover from this??

  • NoWhereToTurnl
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16 Jul 12 #343593 by NoWhereToTurnl
Reply from NoWhereToTurnl
Hello Vickyvb and welcome to wiki,
You will find lots of people on here who will support you through this very traumatic time. Post all your worries, your questions and rant when you need to let off steam.
You are vulnerable and going through the shock phase at the moment so tiny steps and make sure you look after yourself and your little one.
Try to eat easy food, fruit, yoghurt, soup & keep your strength up.

Sending you a big motherly hug,

  • Canuck425
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16 Jul 12 #343594 by Canuck425
Reply from Canuck425

Will I ever be happy again?

Of course you will, I guarantee it. IT will take time and a lot of work and you''ll need support. If you want to you will come through this emotionally fitter than ever.

You''re in the early days though. So just hold on and try to survive these next few months.

Here''s an intro I send to newbies, Hopefully some of it applies...


I did lots of things wrong in my early days but I did a few things right as well. All of the points below helped me move along.

1. Get support. I talked to a LOT of people but I was very careful who I told what to. Most people were so ready to support me which was awesome but the ones that knew both of us really didn''t want to get into the details. I was very specific with the kind of support I needed from different individuals. From some I needed to have a laugh. From others I needed them to listen. From others still I needed their opinion. Others I needed them to feed me. etc. The key for me was to talk, talk, talk. I have probably talked to a hundred people that have been through something similar. Understanding that there is a script to these things was quite eye opening to me. Knowing that the leaver will deny, blame and justify helped me. Knowing that a lot of the garbage that comes out of their mouths not only is not true but has no basis in reality helped as well.

2. Get away. As soon as I was healthy enough I went away on a trip to the sun. Soon after that I went away again to visit family and childhood friends. This was very, very good. Just get away for a few days even. Get some space. I like long drives and have done a few solo trips with 6+ hour drives through the mountains. Getting away like that brings me back to my 20s and is very healing for me.

3. Don''t beg, it is as pathetic as it sounds. I had a few bad moments when I was begging her to reconsider. It was pathetic. When she was in the "fantasy bubble" as I like to call it there is no reason that will be considered. You have to realise at that moment, in their minds, everything is going to be amazing. They''ve never been this happy. Never. So let it go. The fantasy will wear off eventually and then you can see where you are.

4. Take care of you. This is the biggest one. Be kind and patient with yourself. Put yourself first. Really first. Not your kids, but you. It''s like on the airplane when they say put the oxygen mask on you first. You have to take care of you then you will be fit enough to take care of others in your life. This will take time and a lot of hard work. It''s worth it. Why? Because you''re worth it. You. Can you commit to taking care of you? This is a very new concept for so many people. Can you truly love yourself? Can you look into yourself and see a person of value? A person worthy of love?

5. Know that you''ll be more than ok. You''ll be awesome. Honest. The future is not yet written and you have a huge hand in it. The best path forward is making your life great.

Another interesting thing I learned is that the stories are not particularly unique. In fact, the more I talk to others that have been through this, the more the stories are all so sickeningly similar. Honestly, I have not truly moved on but I am doing ok. I have learned a ton about myself and the type of person I am. I have looked deeply into myself and started to understand my role in all of this. Why did I allow myself to be treated so poorly? How did the total breakdown in communication contribute to the environment? I think you move on, if that is even the right phrase, by doing the work on you. What was your role? Who are you and who do you want to be?

One more thing. Stop reading so many books on this subject. Get out and have more fun! This is your life and you get to choose what happens next! Commit to being awesome.

I have no doubt that I am going to come through this stronger. That is my 100% commitment to myself.

  • jslgb
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16 Jul 12 #343596 by jslgb
Reply from jslgb
Hi Vicky,

Welcome to wiki and so sorry you have found yourself here. However, if your going through this here is the best place to be :-)

In a nutshell, yes you will be happy again, it does get better and you will recover. The most important factor in all of this is TIME!

At the beginning of my ''journey'' soeone told me in two years i would wonder what all the fuss was about. I remember thinking two years was an awfully long time and how would i cope? Truth is, the past 18 months have flown by and my experiences have made me a better person.

When we are faced with situations like these we have no option but to pull our selves together and tough it out and if we do it with a little grace and dignity we are winning! Things are raw now, and may be for a while but it will get better, you will discover strengths you never knew you had and your son will flourish.

And in the meantime, there is a huge support network here at your disposal :-D

  • vickyvb
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16 Jul 12 #343605 by vickyvb
Reply from vickyvb
Thank you so much for your kind reply. It helps a lot.

  • vickyvb
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16 Jul 12 #343607 by vickyvb
Reply from vickyvb
Thank you very much. I have written down some of your points and will stick them on my notice board at work as I am sure I will need reminding on a daily basis to start with, especially the looking after myself part - it''s amazing how, whilst going through this emotional storm, I have forgotten to love and care for myself. Thanks again.

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