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What are we each entitled to in our divorce settlement?

What does the law say about how to split the house, how to share pensions and other assets, and how much maintenance is payable.

What steps can we take to reach a fair agreement?

The four basic steps to reaching an agreement on divorce finances are: disclosure, getting advice, negotiating and implementing a Consent Order.

What is a Consent Order and why do we need one?

A Consent Order is a legally binding document that finalises a divorcing couple's agreement on property, pensions and other assets.

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I don''t know where to start..

  • HRHammer1
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19 Jul 12 #344138 by HRHammer1
Topic started by HRHammer1
I am a 42 year old woman & have been with my husband since I was 18, married for 16yrs. We have 2 children 19 & 14yrs, both living at home. Things have not been right for a while & our relationship has almost come to breakdown..We have a beautiful home which I have furnished & I have asked him to leave but he refuses as he is the one that pays the mortgage & bills he says that he has every right to stay, it is me that has to leave. I would gladly leave with my daughter but I have nowhere to go!! where do I start??..I have always worked, but I have recently become self employed as a driving instructor & money is unreliable at the moment as I am trying to establish my new business...I would welcome any advise..V sad x

  • Margot123
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19 Jul 12 #344140 by Margot123
Reply from Margot123
Hi HRHammer,

Sorry that you are going through this especially after such a long term relationship.

From what I have read on here, you shouldn''t move out, but I am not knowledgable enough to give advice on the legal side but there will be lots of weekipeeps that will give you brilliant advice....and moral support.

Do you still have to share the same bedroom? If so, do you have a spare room (doesnt have to be a bedroom but if you have 2 reception rooms...maybe for the time being 1 could be used as a bedroom)?

Do your children know about it? In my experience, it is actually more difficult for older children to deal with separation of their parents, unless of course the relationship between you and your husband hasn''t been good for a while and they are aware of it.

Good luck and take care


  • dukey
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19 Jul 12 #344150 by dukey
Reply from dukey
Do you think counseling could help, maybe relate, divorce needs to be a last resort, it almost always leads to a reduction in lifestyle causes stress and can be so more expensive than most people realise.

If divorce is the end result they we can help, but try everything else first, as CC said its not usually wise to leave the marital home because if you do end up in court the first need a judge really looks at his respective housing needs, if yours are now met it can reduce your financial need.

  • Lostboy67
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19 Jul 12 #344168 by Lostboy67
Reply from Lostboy67
Welcome to wiki, but sorry you find yourself here.

Things have not been right for a while & our relationship has almost come to breakdown..We have a beautiful home which I have furnished & I have asked him to leave

You need to be honest with yourself, in your mind is the marriage over or not, the fact that you have asked your husband to leave suggests that perhaps you have. Going to Relate may help you to either save the marriage or manage breakdown of your relationship in a better way.

but he refuses as he is the one that pays the mortgage & bills he says that he has every right to stay, it is me that has to leave.

Your husband is quite right he has as might right as you do to stay in the FMH and given it appears it is you that wants out of the marriage perhaps its not unreasonable to expect you to move out, as opposed to ''I want out so you leave''

The usual advice would be for neither of you to move out until the concent order is signed off.

...divorce is cr@p and best avoided if possible....both of you will in all likleyhood be significantly worse off at the end of it.


  • HRHammer1
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20 Jul 12 #344282 by HRHammer1
Reply from HRHammer1
I only asked my husband to leave when he told me that he is only with me because he feels sorry for me!! We have a total breakdown of trust going on as I have found texts on his phone after suspecting for a very long time something was going on!..
I suggested we go to Relate a few years back & he just laughed. I do realise that divorce will cripple us financially, but I feel as though we have been delaying the inevitable for too long.
I would be willing to give Relate a try


  • Crumpled
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20 Jul 12 #344292 by Crumpled
Reply from Crumpled
Hi when our partners are havig an affair quite often it follows a script
the history of your marriage is rewritten (ie never really loved you etc etc)
usually according to them the breakdown of the marriage is your fault and they have been driven to have the affair....(trying to assuage their guilt)
they will pick faults with you constantly again to justify their behaviour Being cruel and callous (such as the feeling sorry for you in your post)
quite ofen there is the added part of still loving you and wanting to remain friends....again to make themselves feel better!!!
I have a partner who is also following the sctript so i know how it feels to be on the receiving end of this so i m so sorry you are going through this.
Try and persuade him to go with you to counselling even just to try and make sense of what is going on ,,,but agin from my own experience make sure the counsellor is a good one .Relate quite often have a waiting time so please bear in mind that there other couples counsellors who are very well qualified your gp may be able to point you in the right direction.
lots of love

  • revenge
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20 Jul 12 #344304 by revenge
Reply from revenge
My husband rewrote our marriage and told me I got him down that nothing was ever good enough, I couldn''t make decisions the list went on.
I asked him for months off and on what was wrong with him he said he was tired. What a fool I was to believe him, now I know he was tired of me.
He told me everyday he loved me, now when I look back I see the big change him was staring me in the face.
I feel gutted that he didn''t think our marriage was worth talking about, and that eats away at me every day, that he didn''t want to talk about it.
Ok so he said a year after leaving he just didn''t love me anymore ( probably because he''d got his eye on ow).
If you and your husband have the chance to go to counselling then i would go, it might nit keep you together but if you end up splitting up hopefully it will be on good terms you will both know why your parting and what issues you both have with each other. I never got that chance and that really eats away at me as my husband doesn''t see any fault in himself with the way he treated me, I feel like the skivvies who''s just been made redundant. Also he is now trying to get everything sorted so he can MOVE ON he did that the night he moved out.
Take are really good look at each other and try to see if the marriage is worth working at its like an old car it needs working on. Good luck and I hope things work out for the best.

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