Really need some advice and support

So four weeks ago today my husband of 14 years told me he was leaving and did not want to be married. 3 Relate sessions later I now know that:

I coerced him into marriage
He has been unhappy for more than 10 years
And there has to be more to life than this!

Essentially it''s all my fault!

When I met him 16 years ago he was married, we worked together and he said he had feelings for me. I turned him down, at the time I was recovering from the death of my first husband and did not want to be involved with a married man. A few weeks later he started to say how unhappy his marriage was and that he had never wanted to get married. Shortly after he left his wife, His 4 yr old and an 8 yr old step son. Stupidly I believed him and we then started our relationship. His wife was devastated when he left her - she thought they we''re happily married! So here we are 16 years later and he is saying EXACTLY the same things to me. When I pressed him he has now admitted there is someone else!

Just as with me he doesn''t know if she will have a relationship with him but he feels he can''t spend his life thinking what if!


So here I am absolutely devastated that his way of leaving me involves trashing all my memories. I am almost 52, disabled and although I have a good job I am worried about my future. I love my home and want to keep it but it''s likely I will now have a mortgage that can''t be paid off before I retire.

Emotionally I can''t believe that 4 weeks ago was the last time I would ever share abed with someone and the feeling of being alone is destroying me.

We had no children together but I have been very close to my now 20 year old step son but I know I will lose him as there is no way this can be amicable.


So so sad.

Hi Sadkipper and welcome

I am very sorry to hear what has happened to you - you must be truly devestated. I think the best advice for you right now is to do nothing and allow the shock to subside. You sound like you are a doer - you''ve already arranged relate and discovered that your husband has found someone else. This is the most difficult thing when the person has dreams of being elsewhere. Im sure your friends and family are saying all the things that good support say - he''s having a mid life crisis; he cant love her; etc etc. Well in truth only you know whats going on and whats likely to happen - what this site can do is give you advice from experience on specific issues and share stories.

You are dealing with alot right now try not to think too far into the future but deal with the day to day stuff so you can function and take care of yourself.

Kind Regards
Rasher

Hi Sadkipper,
Sorry about your situation.
It is definitely NOT your fault that your husband was unhappy. Mine tried to make me feel the same. It is your husband who is to blame for the affair & his guilt is making him take it out on you.
I felt the same devastation as you three months ago when mine left me after 30 years. I''m 54 & thought that my life was over.
I am now starting to accept the situation. Keep busy & remember you are far too good for him, he never deserved you.
Love, Sprat x

Hi Sadkipper,

Sorry that you find yourself here.

As ever I would recommend ''Runaway Husbands'' by Vikki Stark

The stories they tell us, themselves and those around them to justify their actions and assuage their guilt are extraordinary, but they do form a pattern - and leave us realing.

They are making up rubbish as they go along...don''t buy into it.

Take care

Thank you for the words of support. Today he has moved out so maybe I can start to move on

Yesterday I had an individual relate session at the counsellors request. it turns out she has not really believed a word he has said! She was so nice to me and really made me see I can make my own choices about what to believe. Having someone independent say this is so heartening.

I have managed one night in the house so thats one down and as long as I can deal with next week when he moves out fully (apparently I am not being reasonable in not letting him take what he wants) in a dignified way I can hopefully start to move on.

I can see I will be using this forum a lot - its so sad to see that this is happening all over the place.

thank you so much for listening and caring.

I feel for you so much. As you say, there are so many ofus in the same situation. I''d like to book a great big venue and get us all together to support and talk through these most horrendous times.It feels like the bottom has fallen out of your world doesn''t it? And that your life will never be ok again. I''m hoping our lives will be ok again - unfortunately I''m a ''glass-half-full'' kind of person, so coming on here and hearing from those who are more positive, really helps. We are here for you.x