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all my fault!

  • downhearted
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24 Jul 12 #344993 by downhearted
Topic started by downhearted
Hi everyone

Just need to get this off my chest.

I can''t believe that he came round not once, but twice, yesterday to tell me that it was all my fault :blink:

If I had treated him better he would never have gone off with another woman :blink:

Beggars belief!! To say I was gobsmacked is an understatement!!!!

Very, very angry at the moment......think i''ll move over to depression and stress as I really need to vent.

Really feel for everyone else going through this c*ap!!!

  • sun flower
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24 Jul 12 #344998 by sun flower
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It''s part of the pattern to assuage their guilt.....they justify their actions - it puts us in a spin, but eventually you will get perspective on it and see it for what it is. In the mean time it hurts like hell. But remember this man is now a liar and a cheat. He no longer is invested in the truth or honesty, just in justifying his decisions....it takes a while to re-code this in your own brain.

Take care - and your mantra for the day is (should you choose to accept it!) ''I don''t have to believe it.''

sc

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24 Jul 12 #345003 by downhearted
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Hi SC
Thanks for the reply.

Do they ever take any of the responsibility?
At the mment he seems to be flying high, very happy, but why does he want me to know???
I wish he''d just leave me alone!
Very upsetting, god knows how i''m going to get thrugh this, I''m a wreck!

xxx

  • wammcl
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24 Jul 12 #345005 by wammcl
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Same boat as me - I''m 5 months down the line and we no longer have any contact. It was all my faull too. Don''t let him grind you down - read my posts and the answers I had - it''s a pattern! I know how you are feeling but you will get stronger x PM if you want.

  • u6c00
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24 Jul 12 #345007 by u6c00
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There are lots of motivations why people may want to do something like that. None of them are good, and none of them are actually your fault.

He maybe is incapable of taking responsibility for his own choices; he might be so delusional that he really does believe what he''s saying; he might be unhappy with his current arrangement and be jealous of you; he might be angry that you got to keep property or something like that. There''ll be many other reasons that are too numerous to ever list.

All of it smacks of someone who made bad choices and has to lash out at you because there is truly no one to blame but himself.

Just remember that he is incapable of taking personal responsibility for anything, and that isn''t going to change so you might as well ignore it.

  • afonleas
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24 Jul 12 #345010 by afonleas
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Morning all,
Fundamentally people who cheat or abuse find it so much easier to blame the innocent party for their own behaviour,ie;the abuser becomes the accuser!!!!!
Maybe deep in the dark recesses of their minds,they know what they have done is wrong,but hey why should they take responsibility for it,it was our fault!!!!Blah Blah Blah.
If by thinking this way they sleep at night so beit,but i surely know that all of us innocents at some point,will find an innner calm and serenity and I certainly believe in
Karma and what goes around!!!
I have said it before on this site that
all of you having affairs
hang your heads in shame,the devasatation you inflict on the innocents is undescribable if you want out do it proberbly.

To all us innocents I offer my support,my understanding and my hopes that someday soon we will all be in a better place!!!!

Take care
Luv and cwtchs
Afon xxx........................

  • jjones123
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24 Jul 12 #345014 by jjones123
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Hi DH,

I''m sorry to hear that you had to listen to such nonsense. For what it''s worth, I was presented with the sentence, ''it''s men like you that drive women to have affairs''. Oh, really? Is that really the case?

SC is spot on regarding her comments about guilt. This is so true.

As for taking responsibility, one thing that they do is rewrite history in such a way to make it easier for themselves. But their version of reality isn''t necessarily the ''true'' version of reality. It is your version that ultimately matters. If they don''t have the mental capacity to perceive the whole situation for what it is, then that is ultimately their problem. The challenge that so many of us have faced is getting through the early days.

One thing that you do have is a choice - there is always the expression, ''I don''t have to listen to this nonsense''. And letting him talk to you helps him to manage his own guilt. I didn''t give my ex the satisfaction, plus it wouldn''t have helped my own situation one jot. Many people on this site recommend no contact (or very minimal contact) as a way forward.

Going back to reponsibility, there is a possibility that they might realise the consequences of their own actions years down the line, when you get to a point of having a really happy life (and we all get there in the end - and this is certainly true - we do!), and he may have a miserable one and then begin to reflect on his own actions. Alternatively, he might just turn into a bitter miserable old man who blames everyone else for his failures. I wouldn''t like to be him.

Best,
JJ

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