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Hey, so sad

  • gravity
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30 Jul 12 #346040 by gravity
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Hello everyone. Im new and not sure what im hoping for but i feel i have to tell my story. Im 39 and have been separated from my wife for 10 months now, and im gutted. We were together for 11 years, married less than 2. Had just bought a new house and were trying for kids.

I had been stressed at work, was working two jobs, and had been miserable and basically neglected her. She cheated on me and was sneaking around behind my back though i found out about it. She then iinitiated the break up. I think i more or less expected us to split but the way in which it happened totally broadsided me. I was shocked and hurt to the core. I went into denial and ignored her as the separation just happened around me. It was like i was trapped in the middle of a hurricane, everything going on around me as i sat there helpless to stop it or change it. Eventually we sold the house, she took the car and anything else of value and moved to her sisters. After the dust settled and i had time to reflect on what had just happened I broke down completely. I cried and cried oceans of tears. I couldnt believe what had just happened to me, to us.

We have had little or no contact since. She heard i was depressed a few months back and contacted me. We talked briefly though she told me to move on and was only concerned about my wellbeing. Crap! She met me not to make me feel better but to make HER feel better about the split! Guilt trip! No contact since. She has joined a sports club and is basically ***** her way around some of the men there, I know this as fact.

I rarely see her around, though when I do she is with a different man every time. Its killing me. I feel dead inside. Just this evening I walked into a coffee shop and she was there with a guy. I walked past her and she and i didnt even acknowledge each others existence! Its so sad. I was a shaking inside, they eventually left. I tried to settle myself. I came home, went back out for a walk, came back and cried my eyes out.

Why cant I just move on from this? I still have feelings for her despite what she has done. I hate myself for all the crap and the way i was and im now scared of the future alone. Im staring down the barrel of 40, no wife, no home, no kids, nothing. Im off work on sick leave at moment and ive been hitting the bottle a bit too much recently too. It kills me to see her with someone else, its truly gut wrenching. I have a solicitor yet i cannot bring myself to initiate any kind of proceedings yet.

Outwardly i give the impression of being confident, OK, getting on with it, but inside im a mess. I think of her daily. I thought I was getting better, more OK days than bad ones recently but that encounter this evening really threw me. How long am i gonna feel like this? Does it get any better? Will I ever meet someone? Madness.

Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks.

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30 Jul 12 #346068 by MrsMathsisfun
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Hi Gravity.

Welcome to wiki. I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation and that you are finding it all so hard to deal with.

You will find plenty of support here. Take one day at a time.

Look after yourself

MIF

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30 Jul 12 #346076 by jjones123
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Your situation sounds very similar to what mine was in a number of respects - similar length of marriage, had a house, car and was moving towards starting a family when my ex decided to push the nuclear button by having an affair with some fella from the office. Plus, we''re pretty similar ages.

Ten months in is not a lot of time. It takes a huge amount of effort, both emotional and physical to get things like houses and possessions sorted out. The fact that the house has been sold (and I presume the finances all separated) is a fabulous milestone for anyone who has to deal with this nonsense.

I think I''m around three years post separation (and two and something years post divorce). A good bit of advice to me (through this site) was not to ask questions about whether you''ll find someone at this point - instead, try to concentrate energies on yourself, of rediscovering old dreams and opportunities, to do the kind of stuff that you''ve always wanted to do but have never gotten around to doing it. This might be a big trip somewhere, or just doing something new. Doing new stuff creates mental distance between the old life and the new life - creating new memories are really important.

The fact that you''ve been married for ten years is an indication that you can play a full part in a relationship. Plus, you''re pretty articulate, so it isn''t so much an issue of whether you''ll have another relationship - it''s more likely an issue of ''when''. (Plus, when you''re ''ready'', you''ll become more attractive). I dated really early on post divorce and most of the women I met ran a mile since they sensed I was in a bit of a state - which is why it''s good to focus on yourself for a while.

It''s interesting what you wrote about your ex asking for a meeting. Mine did the same thing too - but I didn''t go. It would have been exactly the same as yours, with the overall objective to help THEM to recover from their guilt.

In some respects, what has happened to me has become an opportunity. Through the prism of time I''ve come to see my marriage for what it was - there were flaws that I can clearly see in hindsight and when you''re firmly on the road to recovery you''ll probably see some flaws too. But, in the bigger picture, NO ONE should go through this cr*p that we''ve gone through. There are fundamentally NO excuses for people who have affairs, in my view. You deserve better, and you''ll find that better. I''m saying that because three years in, touching fourty, I''m in a much better place.

Although all this is awful, we only really find wisdom about people and situations and life through going through tough times. We only do this when we confront things head on. Those who run away and have affairs are not likely (in the immediate future) to find that.

In answer to your final question, it does get better - a tiny bit at a time. Although time helps it''s what you do during that time that is perhaps more important. Plus, there are perpetual ups and down whilst our self adjusts to the new reality, but that''s a big part of it too.

Best, JJ

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30 Jul 12 #346079 by pixy
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Welcome. I think most of us can relate to what you are saying and feeling. Take heart, it really does get better though only very, very slowly. Also it''s pretty clear that your ex has already discovered that having an affair has not been the solution to her woes that she thought it was. If she''s moving from fella to fella then she is probably still desperately unhappy and has no idea why or how to fix it. Paradoxically that, however difficult you may find it to believe, means you are the one in a better place.

Some people do move on straightaway into new relationships. I''d caution against it - you are an open wound and you need to heal yourself first. Part of the healing is doing new things. At first you will have to force yourself, but it will come more and more naturally over time. You are now free to learn how to be yourself - embrace that opportunity. JJ once passed on a tip that had been given to him - that the best revenge is to have a good life - and that really is spot on.

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30 Jul 12 #346087 by revenge
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Wish I was 39 and not 52. My husband left after 22years that was 15 months ago. I am still absolutely devastated, luckily I don''t have to see him, we only have contact via emails, although in one way I find that really hard, in another I don''t get as upset as I would if I was hearing his voice.
I can now see that things were not as good as they should have been, most of that now I realise is because he didn''t want to be with me he had his eye on someone at work.
I went on holiday earlier in the year and did an activity I''ve always wanted to do and that was fab, I have met some friends, through other friends.
Just had a great weekend celebrating birthdays and a friends silver wedding, although I had a few tears as I would have been celebrating mine in a few years time. I feel I am becoming my cheery self again and people tell me I am fun to be around.
I really don''t want to think about having anyone else in my life, because at the moment I still love my husband and my feelings and thoughts are still about him and us.
Give yourself time to find yourself, I find that now if friends ask me to do something I say yes, if I haven''t got anything else planned.
Try and avoid places your wife goes, seeing her will make you feel worse, and cut back on the alcohol, I didn''t drink for 3-4 months when my husband left as I knew if I started I wouldn''t stop, and also when you''re feeling low alcohol makes you feel worse.
My husband is the first thing I think about in a morning and the last thing on a night and on my mind most of the day, I think that''s mainly because there is so much I want to say to him, but it wouldnt matter what I said to him because he made his mind up he wanted to be with someone else, so of course in his head it''s all my fault.
If your wife is seeing different men then she obviously is just wanting a good time! She obviously isn''t wanting to be settled down. Get yourself out even if it''s for a walk, it takes time to start to do things again gradually you will find you have better days without realising it. I wrote in a diary everyday and in the last couple of weeks I have only written a few things in it, so I think I must be feeling better and becoming more accepting of the situation.

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30 Jul 12 #346102 by gravity
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Thank you everyone who took the time to reply.

I will try to take on board the advice given. It is a bit of a relief to hear similar stories to mine but still a tragedy that this kind of crap goes on all too commonly. Why can''t people be honest with one another? Especially when they are bound by marriage. Obviously those vows meant nothing. For better, for worse... forsaking all others? As i write this my heart is sinking into my stomach. There she goes again running through my head, trampling on my emotions. I wish I could just forget her... erase her completely from my mind, my soul. That would be so much easier than living with these memories.

Thanks JJ. I hope that it does get better. Pixy, id like to believe that i am in a better place. Maybe she is unhappy, that thought in itself makes me sad and i want to hold her and hug her. Is that stupid? I love her and hate her in equal amounts, maybe hate her a little more. I want her to feel bad, like i do, yet i don''t!!?? Its confusing. I do want a good life. im sick and tired of feeling sick and tired about all of this. I have to find a way through.

Revenge.. i know that feeling. i think about her a lot. And yes, she sees it as all my fault. It was i who "pushed her away". thats exactly what she told me! That, and she didnt love me anymore. So i deserved to be treated that way. Deceive me and then blame me. I hope that she feels sad and hurt when she sees me, as i do. Her new circle of "friends" makes her seem all so important and great. They are not her friends, they are wolves circling her, waiting for their opportunity. She is just too stupid to see it and it hurts me to see her being taken advantage of.

She gives the impression of having moved on, maybe she has, in her own way though i fail to see how someone so close can just fall out of love with someone so quickly and move from one to the next without any emotional tie ups?

sorry im rambling. just need to vent.

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30 Jul 12 #346122 by jjones123
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It''s easy for them to blame us, since it makes them feel better about themselves. It''s all about the transference of guilt rather than facing up to the consequences of their own actions. It''s tough for their egos to see that they''re not (really) very nice people, so its easier to say all kinds of rubbish - and not much of it make sense.

My ex suddenly found a new group of friends from nowhere. She once said to me, ''my social life is blooming, now that I''m not with you anymore''. Really? Did I ever stop you from doing stuff you wanted to do? Of course not. And you can''t move on from a marriage straight away, irrespective of how she''s behaving.

I know the sense of feeling sick and tired of feeling sick and tired... That is very much part of it and in some cases that feeling is a catalyst for change where you think, ''right... I''m going to do something NEW'', whether it''s going out to somewhere else, or doing something new. (I think I came to a wikimeet through that site when I was approaching that point). That feeling goes away, and it comes back again - and in some cases it does spur you onto going to get a new bunch of memories for you and you alone. Those tough feelings are a part of finding the way through.

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